AIBU or is my BIL a bit self-centred

[SilentEm564]

There's a back story, but I think even without it I would still think he's self-centred. Here goes...

BIL (DH's brother) is in his mid-30s and every year for the last 10+ years for his birthday he would have a large birthday party at a swanky (expensive) place, usually with a minimum spend per person. He also required presents from us and his other immediate family members.

E.g. the last 2 that I've been to have been in central London bars, where he's hired out a large room or the rooftop. The minimum spend would be £30-40 pp.

However I was v ill during my pregnancy last year and didn't go to his birthday do. He was unhappy and wanted DH to come alone. DH refused as he wanted to look after me and be home in case something happened. In addition, the venue BIL chose was an hour+ drive away, and DH didn't want to drive all that way for "a can of coke" (as in no drinking).

This year with a new baby, a large mortgage and me on maternity leave (v little income) we can't afford to go nor do we want to go and leave the baby. Of course BIL isn't happy, but expects us to make it up to him with a more extravagent present. I'm expecting him to kick off again when he finds out we can't afford the extravagent present either.

AIBU in thinking he's just very self-centred? Surely a grown man doesn't need his brother to come to every birthday party?

I presume your BIL is single.

You have no one to blame but yourselves for pandering to him...send a card ,no gift ,we don't do gifts to adults ,totally unnessessary

As they're both resorting to childhood behaviours, can Mummy and Daddy step in?

(BTW whoever said "we're just buying for the children", please don't ever say that to someone who doesn't have children, however much of a twat they're being !)

I’ve never met an adult who sends out a birthday list?!

Actually, now that you have a child, it’s time you start an extravagant list for your child’s milestones. 3 months. 6 months. Christening. 1 year. And demand more expensive gifts than BIL. Be incessed with rage if he questions it or refuses to participate and declare you’re never acknowledging another birthday or Christmas of his, if he is THAT sort of an uncles

Did he buy anything for your baby when it was born?

Why don’t you start requesting expensive items for your birthdays? You can always make them practical things if money is tight.

‘You want x for your birthday? We still haven’t had a present to welcome your new niece/nephew. S/he needs this new car seat/Jumperoo. Cheers!’

Can't just your dh go? It's nice for siblings to stay close

What did he last buy your DH?

Buy him exactly the same thing, in a different colour (if appropriate).

The whole situation is ridiculous.

Your bil is an arse and cf.

LethalDrizzle

Really? Explain why? Or is it just a meaningless platitude with zero application to the situation?

A sibling is just someone who you grew up with. My brother is a whiny misogynist. I lose nothing by only seeing him about once a year, to get my annual dose of 'women are all bitches'.

Nice is having an arsehole free life, regardless of whether those people are related to you or not!

Your BIL sounds like a brat and a diva. I too would guess he is single or has a partner as narcissistic as he?

It is your DH who needs to take the biggest stand. I would give a card and no gift. I would say that you thought there were no gifts given his lack to you. Or perhaps a token bottle of prosecco to match your DHs gift.

The concern is your DHs weakness here. Would he just give a gift in secret or cave after and give one?

I would hope he gave your dc a big gift however i suspect he revels in being the baby and would likely show no or little interest? Being more jealous of your dc.

And yabu. Your BIL is not a bit self centered, he is massively so.

"I don't think I should be the person to call him out. If I do it, I'm the evil SIL. Isn't it better coming from DH?"
What's wrong with being the evil SIL ?

Honestly, i don't think 'calling out' is called for here. (Well, ever, really.) I would simply cease to comply - probably with a (faked) puzzled expression on my face. Along the lines of 'but you're an adult, why on earth are you centring your life around your birthday?' or 'birthday presents for adults? Nooooo!' or 'I'm afraid we won't be able to meet your minimum spend so we won't be coming' or even just a plain 'no, we're busy with the baby'.

Also, to go back to your "I don't think I should be the person to call him out. If I do it, I'm the evil SIL. Isn't it better coming from DH?"
The fact that this situation has been going on for so long, that you've observed that your DH is "too afraid" to risk falling out with his brother (which I read as 'dreads the extended sulking and tantrums') makes me think that you actually SHOULD be the evil SIL. The family dynamic is such that your husband is effectively being bullied and feels powerless to put a stop to it. As such, I would consider myself OBLIGED to assist the bullied and push back against the bully. I wouldn't give a stuff about this mid-30s manchild regarding me as his evil SIL. I might even consider it a badge of honour!