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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely fuming with her

63 replies

amber900 · 30/07/2018 20:32

I have NC and changed a few details here to avoid being outed

I am engaged andwe started 'going out' around 10 years ago. We were in our teens, and had a rough patch about 5 years ago resulting in a 6 month break up.

During this time, I went on a couple of holidays, and had I guess what you could call a holiday romance with a local on one of them. My sister was with me on these holidays and knew him too. She made fun of me at the time (she didn't think the guy was good looking, and would try and embarrass my taste by even making a few racist comments about him to put my choices down), but we all went on trips together, and they were friends on social media.

I only spent about 2 weeks with this holiday lover, but the young and naive me thought I cared about him. I never thought I was stupid before this, but soon after I got home he told me he was broke, had no money for food, and may have to go back and live with his family in his home village and marry his cousin. After a few days of this, I agreed to send him some money as I believed and felt bad for him. It wasn't a huge amount, but still. He said he would pay it back.

But then a few days later, I realised it was all a lie, and he was staying with another girl, who'd arrived only a couple of days after I'd left. This felt like a huge insult, and I was so angry I'd been duped into giving him money. I asked for the money back, he kept saying he had no money, and so I said he could give it to my friend who was visiting the resort in a few of months.

My friend went and I sent a message to the guy asking back the money, but again he said he couldn't. I realised I was never going to get it, and let it go, while deleting him on everything and getting my sister to do the same.

The whole situation is probably the biggest mistake I've ever made - I felt cheap to do such a thing, and stupid for giving him money. I ended up getting back together with my previous partner, who knows the basics of what happened but not the details (he doesn't want to know).

After a while, I felt at peace and tried to let go, telling myself we all learn from things like this. He's in another country so I can pretend he doesn't even exist.

At least that was the case, until my sister tells me she's reconnected with him on social media. I hit the roof, and asked her not to engage with him as it makes me very uncomfortable, and she has no need to talk to him. She tells me I shouldn't bear grudges and asked me why I even care.

I should also add, in the years since she has told people this story to embarrass me, and made 'jokes' about how she will do a speech about it on my wedding day. I know she's joking, but just the thought of her making jokes about this with other people is horrible.

Bottom line is, I'm fuming, upset and uncomfortable with her talking to him. I told my partner and he doesn't want to talk about it, but I know her reconnecting with this guy could potentially cause problems in my relationship. I feel as my sister she should have more loyalty than to speak to a creep she knew for a couple of weeks 5 years ago. I'm seriously considering cutting contact with her completely.

I hope this was coherent and makes sense. I would appreciate any thoughts, as this isn't something I feel uncomfortable talking about with people IRL.

OP posts:
Bobbiepin · 30/07/2018 20:35

Is your sister usually this goady? I'd pretty much ignore it, she's loving that you're worked up over it. Whenever she brings him up in conversation say something nonchalant and change the conversation. "Oh really? Anyway...."

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 30/07/2018 20:36

I'd wonder why on earth she would want to reconnect with him.

Have you told her how hurtful her comments are?

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 30/07/2018 20:36

I understand why you’d rather she didn’t... but really, it only has to affect you if you let it.

I used to have a partner who was mentally and physically abusive, controlled who I saw, what I wore etc, broke my collar bone roughing me up once, cheated on me.... my brother still talks to him. I’d rather he didn’t but actually... I can just ignore it. He isn’t inviting him on family outings 🤷🏻‍♀️

Knittedfairies · 30/07/2018 20:37

Drop the rope. If you don’t rise to the bait, she’s got nothing.

Original poster
amber900 · 30/07/2018 20:38

I don't want her talking about me or my life now with him, as I said, he's dead to me and I'd prefer it to remain that way.

OP posts:
Mmer · 30/07/2018 20:38

She has no reason to be in contact with him. I think she is trying to hurt/embarrass you for some reason

Singlenotsingle · 30/07/2018 20:39

She doesn't sound very nice. Is this some sort of revenge for past disagreements? She's very disloyal. All you can do is tell her you don't want her to put anything on social media, and if she does, unfriend her. I wouldn't invite her to your wedding either, or if you do, put her on a table at the back with no opportunity to make a speech.
You made a mistake and you've put it behind you. Has she never made a mistake?

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 30/07/2018 20:39

Yes your young self was a bit foolish, but you realised, were honest with loved ones and moved on.
Your sister is totally bang out of order for doing this! It sounds like she’s doing it purely to wind you up.
If she continues (which she will cos she’s enjoying herself ) it could turn nasty.
Are you able to have a proper conversation with her about how you really feel?

Bobbiepin · 30/07/2018 20:39

Why not? You'd happy and have a great life. I could understand if you were living a shit life and were still pining over him but you aren't.

Mrsmadevans · 30/07/2018 20:40

You have to stop showing you care about this . You have to or she will use it against you. She is being a horrible person and to think she is being like this to you, her DS is awful. I think she must be jealous of you OP. Try and put this firmly behind you, we have all been trusting in our time and taken advantage of when we are young or even not so young

Peakypush · 30/07/2018 20:48

Wow what a horrible sister you've got there OP Confused why would she even have thought about him or found him 5 years on? That's so random and unnecessary. Is she jealous of you getting married or something along those lines? I would be livid too, and would find it very difficult not to call her out on it and insist she unfriends him. He's a fraudster - why would she even want to be in contact with such a person?? Has she spoken to him over messages or just added him as a friend? Did he add her or did she go looking for him? What do you think her motivation is?

Original poster
amber900 · 30/07/2018 20:51

@Peakypush He added her, and they have been talking on messenger. I don't think she's jealous exactly, but she's always been a gossip and enjoyed making me look ridiculous :/

OP posts:
scolotti · 30/07/2018 20:51

I think she sounds jealous too op. Th best way to deal with something like this is to ignore it. If she thinks it's not bothering you, it won't be worthwhile her doing.

SandyY2K · 30/07/2018 20:52

Not a very nice sister is she. Id be fuming too.

What motivates someone to do that.

manaftermidnight · 30/07/2018 21:00

You don't really get to tell other people who they are allowed to talk to.

Would you really cut your own sister off for that? That's mad.

ChasedByBees · 30/07/2018 21:03

So you think it’s reasonable for a sister to stay in contact with someone who hurt and humiliated her sister when they’d only known each other for weeks?

OP is entitled to stop or reduce contact if she chooses.

ColdAndSad · 30/07/2018 21:04

You can only control the things you do, not the things your sister does.

I'd remember that phrase, "When people tell you who they are, believe them".

Ignore her. She's not worth your time.

manaftermidnight · 30/07/2018 21:05

As reasonable as it is to cut your sister off because she chats with someone on FB!

OP did something really stupid. It's her own embarassment that she is so worked up about, not her sister. Why not talk to the sister like a normal person?

EdisonLightBulb · 30/07/2018 21:07

So he's going to be tapping her for money now? Stay out of it and show no interest.

Peakypush · 30/07/2018 21:09

Private chats with your sisters ex is one thing but private chats with a man who stole from and humiliated your sister is quite another! I'd take a step back from her OP, keep a dignified silence on the matter for now and it will probably stop. However if in a few weeks/months she's still talking to him and causing trouble then I would most certainly consider going NC. She sounds like a cow if I'm honest, making jokes at your expense etc. Try not to stress, the messages could be just a once off thing Flowers

susurration · 30/07/2018 21:12

Every time she brings it up just say, very nonchalantly 'how strange you can't move on from this' and change the subject.

CantThinkOfAnotherNameAgain · 30/07/2018 21:17

Not that this is relevant or the point, if you don't want to answer then okay I get it, but I'm curious - how much money are you talking? Like £20 or £5,000?

Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2018 21:17

Your horrible sister makes me feel very lucky I never had one. She is simply cruel and sadistic. I would stop communicating with her. I think that will be the only possible way that she might realise how shit her behaviour is. But I wouldn't hold my breath. She will most likely must blame you for being "over sensitive." Fuck her, she's awful.

Original poster
amber900 · 30/07/2018 21:19

@CantThinkOfAnotherNameAgain A few hundred. Not much to some, but I was only earning £400 a month in a part time job at the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
amber900 · 30/07/2018 21:20

@ Aquamarine1029 Yes she says I'm bearing grudges

OP posts:
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