To be absolutely fuming with her

[amber900]

I have NC and changed a few details here to avoid being outed

I am engaged andwe started 'going out' around 10 years ago. We were in our teens, and had a rough patch about 5 years ago resulting in a 6 month break up.

During this time, I went on a couple of holidays, and had I guess what you could call a holiday romance with a local on one of them. My sister was with me on these holidays and knew him too. She made fun of me at the time (she didn't think the guy was good looking, and would try and embarrass my taste by even making a few racist comments about him to put my choices down), but we all went on trips together, and they were friends on social media.

I only spent about 2 weeks with this holiday lover, but the young and naive me thought I cared about him. I never thought I was stupid before this, but soon after I got home he told me he was broke, had no money for food, and may have to go back and live with his family in his home village and marry his cousin. After a few days of this, I agreed to send him some money as I believed and felt bad for him. It wasn't a huge amount, but still. He said he would pay it back.

But then a few days later, I realised it was all a lie, and he was staying with another girl, who'd arrived only a couple of days after I'd left. This felt like a huge insult, and I was so angry I'd been duped into giving him money. I asked for the money back, he kept saying he had no money, and so I said he could give it to my friend who was visiting the resort in a few of months.

My friend went and I sent a message to the guy asking back the money, but again he said he couldn't. I realised I was never going to get it, and let it go, while deleting him on everything and getting my sister to do the same.

The whole situation is probably the biggest mistake I've ever made - I felt cheap to do such a thing, and stupid for giving him money. I ended up getting back together with my previous partner, who knows the basics of what happened but not the details (he doesn't want to know).

After a while, I felt at peace and tried to let go, telling myself we all learn from things like this. He's in another country so I can pretend he doesn't even exist.

At least that was the case, until my sister tells me she's reconnected with him on social media. I hit the roof, and asked her not to engage with him as it makes me very uncomfortable, and she has no need to talk to him. She tells me I shouldn't bear grudges and asked me why I even care.

I should also add, in the years since she has told people this story to embarrass me, and made 'jokes' about how she will do a speech about it on my wedding day. I know she's joking, but just the thought of her making jokes about this with other people is horrible.

Bottom line is, I'm fuming, upset and uncomfortable with her talking to him. I told my partner and he doesn't want to talk about it, but I know her reconnecting with this guy could potentially cause problems in my relationship. I feel as my sister she should have more loyalty than to speak to a creep she knew for a couple of weeks 5 years ago. I'm seriously considering cutting contact with her completely.

I hope this was coherent and makes sense. I would appreciate any thoughts, as this isn't something I feel uncomfortable talking about with people IRL.

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Then ignore some more. She's getting a kick out of winding you up, sad as that is. Try to rise above it and show indifference and ultimately she'll stop as you'll have deprived her of the fun.

She sounds jealous and her behaviour it pathetic.
I'd reduce contact. She doesn't sound reasonable so telling her how you feel probably won't help. Give her very little information about your life. Ask lots of questions about her instead.

That's horrible. Your sister sounds rather awful. I'd be taking a massive step back from her.

She tells me I shouldn't bear grudges and asked me why I even care.

This is the kind of bullshit my sibling absolutely adores.

For clarity, She is totally unreasonable and you are not expecting too much to ash her to prioritie her sister over a stranger who is a con artist!!!!

I agree with redsaidbread
Ultimately, you need to understand this isn’t about that though, for whatever reason your sister wants to hurt you.

In my case it took me years to work it out (I’m a bit thick like that ) but mine was basically “jealous of my life”/unhappy with their own choices. It took me ages despite a few people mentioning it because my career/home/lifestyle was something they regularly mocked and disparaged.
In drunken moments they did indicate I had be given “the best” and more “help” which is why our lives were so different. (Their school was more expensive than mine and they got better GCSEs and alevels and they were given far more financial assistance than I was as a young adult )

If you can have a proper conversation about it, I would try to find out what’s driving this.
If you can’t, which it sounds like you may not be able to do based your posts, I would try to step back. A lot. It won’t get better

I think you need to play her at her game. When she brings him up, be indifferent, "Oh? You still talking to him?". If she pushes it, look serious and ask if she fancies him and if so, then she need to be careful about giving him money. Don't let her deflect the focus over to you and the contact you have had with him. Keep it firmly on her and her contact with him.

And finally, forgive yourself for making a silly mistake when you were younger. Lots and lots of us are naive when we are young and do stupid things that we look back on later in life and think, what on earth was I thinking?!! I could write a book on the stupid things I did when I was young, as I suspect could most posters here! You haven't done anything awful or unforgivable, so chalk it up to being part of life's experiences, forgive yourself for being young and not knowing better, and then move on. If you can forgive yourself, then your sister or anyone else mentioning it won't really matter any more because then it is just an incident from a long time ago, nothing to do with who you are now.

To be honest, it sounds as if nothing much has happened in your sister's life in the last five years so that she is still telling the old stories.

Your sister is stirring for whatever reason.

But I don't understand why you are still so upset about a 2 week holiday romance you had years ago. Just forget about it. You were young and made a mistake. It happens to us all one way or another. Why are you still so upset and emotional about it? You are giving her ammunition. She does it because it winds you up and upsets you - why she wants to do that I have no idea, do you?

If she mentions him again just laugh and say something like 'Well that's how ridiculous teenage holiday romances are!'
If she ever says she will be making a speech about it at your wedding say 'Well you could if you were being asked but you're not ' and laugh. She can only make a speech anyway if you let her. Put her n a table well away from the top table. If she starts have someone you trust ready to jump up and interrupt her by raising a toast and starting the dancing.

DH's Great Uncle George who rambles for hours suddenly stood up at our reception and started to make a speech. FIL jumped in at an early stage and proposed a toast and everyone cheered and that was that.

Seriously, your sister has some sort of grudge. If it isn't this she will find something else in later years.

Possible scenario.........sister goads yet again with threat of "humorous" speech at your wedding. Your response; "Speech? What makes you think you'll even be at the wedding?
New thread on Mumsnet; "My sister is becoming a Bridezilla just because of some gentle ribbing in my planned wedding speech."
Could be fun.

Any chance you can dig up one of her ex partners on facebook for some cozy chats, see how she enjoys it

My God, your sister should be one of the people who have got your back, all of the time, 100% loyal and trustworthy. Yours isn't, yours is a bitch, you really need to have a serious chat with her and if that fails, get rid.

Let it go and don't rise to the bait. Spin the story, you helped him out when he needed it, sick mother, brother etc.. You were expecting it to be paid back, it never was, but in the end you helped a "friend" in need. Says more about you than anyone else.

She sounds like she wants to goad you. If she starts , then don't be embarrassed, you helped out a friend and you would probably do the same again if you were in a position to. Smile, say you are too kind for your own good - try for the saintly look - it will drive her mad.

The fact that she was snide, mocking and borderline racist when you first got together with him suggests to me she had issues with you before this. Has she always been a bit sneering of your choices? You said she was mocking your clothes? Taunting you in public when she knows it upsets you? Has this always been the case? Is she single?

In think its a massive thing that she is goading you like this. I would reduce contact, who needs to be on edge around people like that. Soon she will probably be tapped for some coinage and she will realise he doesn't just want talk about old times.

It’s all very well saying ignore- but I’m not sure I would want that much to do with such a spiteful sister