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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Terrified of todder and newborn- in a mess

52 replies

Imknackeredzzz · 30/07/2018 17:34

Hi all,

I’ve got a 3 year old DS and a 2 week old DD. I’m just all in a mess really.

I adore my DS he’s been my whole world for 3 years obviously and now there is a massive new dynamic to the family. Whilst I love DD as she’s my child, I haven’t got that inital bond to her I was expecting to have. I’m taking care of her as best I can, but I feel- I don’t know- a little distant maybe.

Add to this my husband has gone back to work now and whilst my mum is helping a lot initally that won’t last forever. I’m finding 2 children so difficult, everything just seems like chaos.

My DS has actually adjusted well, but obviously he’s used to getting my full attention and I’m struggling with guilt when I obviously can’t give it to him. He’s such a hands on kid who loves playing and me to get involved- and with a newborn it just isn’t possible as much. And I hate that.

I’m managing to keep a handle on things while I’ve got all this help around- but how am I going to manage day to day when I’m on my own.

How do I keep a 3 year old boisterous boy amused while looking after a newborn who just wants cuddles and feeding?! How do I cope with the feelings of guilt every time I have to let him down, or her down?

How do I keep a handle on everything?!

I don’t know I’m just struggling all told I think. Plus majorly sleep deprived.

OP posts:
TittyGolightly · 30/07/2018 17:37

A sling.

ElspethFlashman · 30/07/2018 17:39

You walk the toddler twice a day, like a dog.

Doesn't have to be exciting. So you feed, then leave. Twice a day.

And never ever feel guilty about TV. Not with a toddler and a baby.

helterskelter3 · 30/07/2018 17:42

It gets better and easier! He will learn to amuse himself and be a bit more independent (which is really important) and when they start playing together, life gets a lot easier too!

Dreamingofkfc · 30/07/2018 17:44

Yep, I got by with a sling - baby fed when we got somewhere then would sleep snuggled in sling. Play dates with others with children same age as your eldest is also helpful. It will only feel like it's chaos for a short time

ThePrioryGhost · 30/07/2018 17:44

We’re in a similar position OP, so all I can say is, you’re not alone FlowersCake

Myheartbelongsto · 30/07/2018 17:51

I had three under two so I feel your pain but only a little bit as life was much easier when they were small.

What exactly is chaotic for you and then hopefully we can all give you some tips.

clauds7397 · 30/07/2018 17:53

op i could have written this! DS2 is now 4 months and things are much easier. DS1 who is a boisterous 3 year old has grown used to his new brother and although life is different for him long term i know it will be better. routine is what helped me!

Original poster
Imknackeredzzz · 30/07/2018 17:54

I think it’s mainly guilt, guilt that I don’t feel as much attachment to DD as I have for DS- and guilt that I know I’m going to have to give my DS less attention than he’s used to, and perhaps he may resent me for it or our bond may suffer.

Also just so sleep deprived and exhausted constantly so can’t really think straight about a thing

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 30/07/2018 18:02

NIce long walks with the prom to the park or to feed the ducks. It gets easier.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 30/07/2018 18:03

There's nearly 6 years between our two and I felt very guilty about DD especially as I felt she knew she was getting less attention IYSWIM. I also had DS just before the school holidays so there was no school routine for DD either.

I found reading book with my oldest helped. I could BF, or have DS sleep on me while I was also able to do something with DD. It also meant it was a shared thing, even though DS was only a newborn, but he was there, in the activity. I also used a sling. I could hold DD's hand or help her with things while also carrying DS, it also meant I could go places with her the buggy couldn't, so DS wasn't restricting us in a physical way.

Now she's just used to it. They argue but DD always says how cute DS is. She comforts him when he's upset and they have a lovely bond. Of course she gets cross when she thinks I favour DS (he's 3 so you do have to pick your battles, and she's 9 so should know better) but I don't think our bond has suffered at all, it's just evolved and we all love three people in our family, rather than two.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 30/07/2018 18:04

And yes, sleep deprivation won't be helping at all.

Mindchilder · 30/07/2018 18:04

It's really hard. I have 3 - just keep everyone alive until bedtime!

Sling, TV, bribery/treats, walks. I used to go to supermarket cafes for tea when DH worked late! Just to get out of the house and because it was too hard to cook.

thaegumathteth · 30/07/2018 18:05

I have the same age gap but mine are older now . I felt 100% the same. I didn’t bond as with dd because I think I felt like I was betraying ds which was stupid but was how I felt. Once dd got a bit more like a real person I totally bonded and I love them both with all my heart. You’ll get through it.

Meet up with friends if you can , use the TV, get a sling, get outside every day and just see these early weeks as something to get through rather than trying to be perfect.

Original poster
Imknackeredzzz · 30/07/2018 18:15

“I didn’t bond as with dd because I think I felt like I was betraying ds which was stupid but was how I felt. “

This is exactly it- totally how I’m feeling

OP posts:
NapQueen · 30/07/2018 18:18

It took me a good while to see dc2 as a baby in their own right with character and my own love for it rather than just a job to get through whilst entertaining a 3yo.

It comes though, and worth it when it does. And it goes so much faster. Routine. Tv. Easy dinners. Sling.

CocoLoco87 · 30/07/2018 18:30

Be kind to yourself! It's a massive adjustment for everyone adding another member to the family. I have 2xDS and I used to say to DH how would I love no.2 and he wouldn't be as cute or lovely or perfect as DS1 Hmm

Well DS1 has stopped being quite so perfect Grin and DS2 is absolutely fabulous in his own right. He's a real pickle but totally gorgeous and we have a great bond. You just have to survive the early days and eventually you'll find your stride and work out how to do things. Congratulations on your new baby SmileFlowers

Almostfifty · 30/07/2018 18:35

I used to ask my DS to help me out with the baby when changing him, so get him to get baby wipes out, changing bag etc. When feeding, I'd have the TV ready, but would start by reading books to him at the same time as feeding, so I could cuddle up to both of them at the same time.

PPs have said, get out as much as possible, get him on his scooter or bike, so when he gets back he's more ready to have a sit down.

We had a small table next to the settee where I used to feed, and we'd have construction stuff on it so when he was bored with books he could make something.

Don't feel guilty, you're tired. The first six weeks are the worst IME.

trilbydoll · 30/07/2018 18:36

DH calculated I had spent £200 on kinder eggs during my second maternity leave. He was horrified, I was (and still am) totally unrepentant.

Walk/scoot to town. Buy kinder egg. Toddler eats kinder egg while I run errands. Stop in coffee shop for yet more sugar and feed baby. Walk/scoot home. Via the park if you're feeling energetic.

FeralBeryl · 30/07/2018 18:38

Congratulations!
It's shit at first, it really is. But now DH is back at work, you'll get the chance to organise yourself properly. It sounds strange but I found it easier to manage after a bit knowing exactly where I was up to. Try and get yourself a vague routine, even if it's just all getting dressed and fed by a certain time.
Don't be afraid to utilise CBeebies or screens whilst you sort DD.
Park park and more park! I was lucky enough to live opposite one and it saved me.
Do you have a buggy board? They let you walk far further for shopping etc than if DS is just scooting/walking.
Hairwash and longer showers in the evening when DH is back. You just need a lick and a promise the next morning then.
Essentially though, you need a bit of rest, would anyone come and take them for a couple of hours, or I used to go to my mums then sneak upstairs for a power nap Wink
Don't worry about your relationship with DD yet, she's a scrawny, angry chicken while DS has a lovely fun, snuggly personality and you've known him a lot longer, this will follow with DD.
You will get through this bit, I still remember how shit it was, but you will. ThanksBrew

HulaMelody · 30/07/2018 18:40

Oh god this was me. Looking back I wasted so much energy on feeling guilty about everyone; all I wanted was someone to say that I was doing a good enough job and wasn’t letting either child down.

Things improved massively when my older D.C. started nursery, around the time the younger D.C. was 5 months.

They’re now 5 and 2 and I feel so much better. They learn from each other and I have really bonded with my youngest as there have been more opportunities for one to one time.

Rosarollo · 30/07/2018 18:43

Are you me? This was me, same ages. Everything!!

A sling and walking both baby and toddler. I promise promise promise it will get easier.
My ds is now 3y9m and ds2 7m. When i take baby upstairs ds1 I'm assured he will be still on couch watching a cartoon for 15 mins.

I HAVE to get out the house everyday. Even if its a walk and a sandwich in cafe at Morrisons it saved my sanity.

Happygoldfinch · 30/07/2018 18:46

"I think it’s mainly guilt, guilt that I don’t feel as much attachment to DD as I have for DS- and guilt that I know I’m going to have to give my DS less attention than he’s used to"
I can help with that feeling! I am an only child, and every year when I was asked what I wanted for Christmas I said, "A brother or a sister". When I had my first child, I was absolutely determined to have a second. You might feel guilty about not being able to spread yourself between the 2 of them now, but you have given them each other virtually for life. Smile

LouiseEH · 30/07/2018 18:53

A sling does help, although, in this heat I really don’t recommend it, I’ve tried it and both you and your baby will get too hot and sweaty.

Chattycat78 · 30/07/2018 18:59

I remember this. I had a 16.5 month age gap (and a very boisterous boy as the elder one) but the same principles apply. I survived with:

  • c Beebies!
  • going to playgroups with baby in a sling
  • lots of sugar to help with the sleep deprivation!
  • lowering of standards generally tbh
  • Nursery- eldest went for 2 days each week so I could have a rest day with the baby. I used to go to baby cinema on those days and it made me feel like a normal person doing normal things!
  • get a cleaner if you can- even every other week just to do the bathroom/s and stuff
  • tell yourself it won’t last forever!
CanIGoToBedNow · 30/07/2018 19:55

Defo run your toddler like a dog - I had 19 months between mine and keeping the eldest busy is the key.

Two bouncers - 1 upstairs and 1 downstairs keeps bath times easy

Routine routine routine - I liked to get out in the morning and then the toddler would nap in the afternoon.

IT DOES GET EASIER! You can do it!

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