Terrified of todder and newborn- in a mess

[Imknackeredzzz]

Hi all,

I’ve got a 3 year old DS and a 2 week old DD. I’m just all in a mess really.

I adore my DS he’s been my whole world for 3 years obviously and now there is a massive new dynamic to the family. Whilst I love DD as she’s my child, I haven’t got that inital bond to her I was expecting to have. I’m taking care of her as best I can, but I feel- I don’t know- a little distant maybe.

Add to this my husband has gone back to work now and whilst my mum is helping a lot initally that won’t last forever. I’m finding 2 children so difficult, everything just seems like chaos.

My DS has actually adjusted well, but obviously he’s used to getting my full attention and I’m struggling with guilt when I obviously can’t give it to him. He’s such a hands on kid who loves playing and me to get involved- and with a newborn it just isn’t possible as much. And I hate that.

I’m managing to keep a handle on things while I’ve got all this help around- but how am I going to manage day to day when I’m on my own.

How do I keep a 3 year old boisterous boy amused while looking after a newborn who just wants cuddles and feeding?! How do I cope with the feelings of guilt every time I have to let him down, or her down?

How do I keep a handle on everything?!

I don’t know I’m just struggling all told I think. Plus majorly sleep deprived.

I was you 3.5 months ago. I have an 18 month old and 3.5 month old and I felt EXACTLY the same as you, except added to that I was terrified my toddler would hurt herself as she has no sense of danger yet and is a bit of a loose cannon.

All I can say is it does get easier. I was totally terrified for the first month at least. I didn't want to be alone with them, couldn't even imagine leaving the house, the guilt was overwhelmingly towards them both, and I cried everyday.

But over time, things got easier, the guilt went away, as I knew that whilst I couldn't always tend to toddler, or hold baby when they needed me, I had given them the lifelong gift of a sibling, and that eased my guilt.

I also slowly worked my way up to taking them out. A quick walk around the block to start, to friends houses where toddler was safe, and eventually I felt comfortable to take them out into town for the day. It takes time, but you will get there.

Don't put pressure on yourself, you will slowly ease into it as the days pass I promise!

Only do the things you feel comfortable with, once you have mastered those, then try to challenge yourself a little, but don't run before you can walk.

Also, I would say to embrace the crazy. If you have one of those days (and you will) where baby does stop crying and toddler to demanding and moany and you just want to run away, find peace in knowing that once you survive that day, you will feel more confident in surviving another.

You got this!

I had a 2.5 yr age gap and only one morning during the week when older DC was not with me.

It was pretty tough. As others have said, using the sling as much as possible was a lifesaver, even using it around the house so baby was happy or asleep while I played with the older one.

Getting out to something every day- yes, definitely. We had a routine of toddler groups and regular play dates. We also went to the park as much as possible although it was winter. I went back to work part time at six months which was a nice break, although brought its own stresses like pumping milk.

I could have written this 6 weeks ago except my boisterous DS is 24 months. It's been awful, I have not enjoyed any part of my new DDs first 6 weeks and I've felt trapped and so low. I stopped breast feeding 2 weeks ago and it's kind of pulled me out of that hole (im not advising you to stop I'd you are bfing it just helped me) and now she's 8 weeks I feel I'm coping a little better but only just. I'm waiting for the days when they'll play together and DS may enjoy his sister. It's hard op I'm with you,just cope and do your best hang in there it gets better I'm told.

I was in your position, but then the baby got sick and I had to go and stay in the hospital with her for 4 weeks (breastfeeding). I had guilt x10 about leaving the older child plus worrying out of my mind about the youngest.
I’m not trying to belittle your problems - but they are common issues - people find them hard then they get through them. You are lucky though you have them both and they are well and you can see them both everyday. So try and be grateful for that. It’s hard with two at first but you’ll soon get into the swing of it.
However if you keep feeling down speak to your hv or gp - maybe you’ve develop pnd this time?

Try and get baby to sleep in pram or a sling so you can still get out and about with your eldest.

Just got to 12 weeks and it's all settled down. Week 4 I thought I'd ruined our lives having a second child. Actually stopping all screen time & playing with the toddler while the baby watches, past week 8,has really helped us all bond. Before that it was just chaos and paw patrol

I think everyone feels like this! Take each day as it comes and try and develop a routine of groups etc. Harder in school hols

I empathise OP. I joined various groups; tumble tots, NCT coffee mornings, toddlers etc and spent almost all day out of the flat. I didn't do any of those things with my other children but for my sanity and little DD it seemed a distracting solution. We went to the park once or twice every day, shopped, recycled and browsed for the rest of the time. I had a sling and an( awful) double buggy and rushed around the streets of our town to kee the three of us on the move as much as possible.it does ass quite quickly but was a huge pressure on our little family and looking back at photos poor little DD looks really perplexed in those early weeks at the turn life has taken. They are adults now and share a flat so there are no signs of lasting trauma.

Take it easy on yourself, it is bloody hard, the fact that you feel guilty just shows you care. Like others said it does get easier and getting out for exercise helps. I got through with a sling so I could have a hand free for another dc, or get them to help where possible (but without it feeling like a chore!)

I also got told to never say I couldn't do something with dc because of the baby. I found that really good advice. So instead of no I can't because I'm feeding the baby, say that sounds great! I'm going to to that once I finish giving the baby some milk. Or sorry, we can't do that today, but we will do it another day. You get the gist!

Can you have your mum take your son out for a treat - playground, soft play etc.? I think giving you time just to exist with your baby is key. A few afternoons at nursery would be an alternative. Don't worry about bonding or not, just put that to the side and spend time with her. If that feels forced, bring her for a walk alone to a coffee shop and just exist..

She is so little - don't worry about turning on the TV when things get fraught with your DS.

These are the rough weels and will quickly pass.

However if it feels overwhelming, please talk to someone- doctor, mum, friend, husband. Many people need help with two small ones so don't be afraid to reach out

weeks not weels

It is so hard at first. Others have given brilliant advice. Two books really helped me:-

Coping with Two - real, practical advice that is broken down into short chunks. Takes minutes to read.

For you and your DS, My Baby Sister. Lovely book about a toddler older brother and a baby sister. Explains in lovely terms why you are busy with the baby. I read it as much, if not more, to make me feel better as to help my toddler feel better.

Oh yes... We have regular mum and dc1 time if we can like i take ds1 swimming or cinema on a Saturday morning probably once a month.

Some nursery days for oldest if you can afford it or in term time if not.

TV, I tried to limit it to maybe 45 mins after lunch and 45 mins whilst you make his tea. Within limit for me = guilt free. It's always there if baby is on a total meltdown/it's tipping it down all day and you are stuck inside.

Soft play cafes. You sit with a coffee and baby in caraway/buggy, toddler plays.

Playdates with friends with toddlers/babies.

Walks outside somewhere - park/woods/around neighborhood.

Scooter - go somewhere he can scoot up and down while you relax on picnic blanket/bench.

Duplo/etch-a-sketch/colouring/aquadoodle (not too messy and they can get on with by themselves)

Get the toddler running small errands for you.

With bedtime if you have to do that alone, go early with tea and bath so you have time if you need to feed by bath for 20 mins etc

Try to be kind to yourself... toddlers may moan about the attention given to a baby (and they also may not mind at all) but human beings are adaptable. If we all got traumatised because our parent had to pay more attention to a new baby, then older kids would always be headcases - I think we are designed to cope with that sort of thing without it becoming an issue, so try not to worry or feel guilty. Your guilt won't help either child, and it won't help you, so don't forget to look after yourself in whatever small ways you can until things get easier.

It's hard in the early days. I've got a 2 year age gap with my boys. I'll be honest, I had an elective c-section with DS2 so we were able to plan ahead a bit. We kept DS1 full time at the childminder for the first 4 weeks and DH also had 4 weeks off. So that helped lots.

I remember being terrified on my first day home with both of them alone and still remember the sense of accomplishment that I got everyone fed, dressed and out to the park by midday!

Don't feel guilty about the TV being on. DS2 took ages to feed so telly went on to amuse DS1 when he fed. I'd have DS1 come sit next to me on the sofa and we would chat while I was feeding his brother.

When DS2 napped, I'd make sure I spent that time with DS1. Housework was put on hold until DH got home. I used to get out for some kind of walk every day with them as well.

Do get friends and family to help when you can. My parents were great and they would spoil DS1 rotten while I was able to spend time with DS2.

I do think my relationship with DS2 was different in the early days compared to how I was with DS1. I was much more relaxed and happier to put him down to just watch his brother. I didn't feel like he needed constant amusement as a baby.

It does get easier, especially as you get into a bit of a routine and your confidence grows. Like other PP have said as long as everyone is fed and alive at the end of the day, it's a productive day!

Thank you everyone for your tips and advice, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still terrified - but I’ll just keep going

Trust us, the love will come! My two are now 6 & 8 and while the older one will always be my PFB, I do truly love them equally - though in different ways. Give it time and don’t sweat the whole attachment thing, it will sneak up in you.

Dd just turned 1 and next dc due in feb, making note of all the suggestions!

Same here except babies are twins. I find screens are a disaster, make DS so grumpy. I basically prioritise the toddler attentionwise and just do the practical baby feeding changing etc in the background. I rotate books and toys so have about six not-recently-seen or favourite books plus a jigsaw, digger, ball of playdough beside me every day. Use all favours offered re getting shopping in, taking toddler for playdate etc.

Agree with all of the above, most important ofall getting out EVERY DAY. Rain, hail, shine, get out. Bored toddlers are a fricking nightmare.

But if you can possibly possibly afford it, find childcare for the toddler for a portion of the week. This gives you a bit of respite and time to bond with the baby.

I have emptied my bank account keeping DD 3 at the childminder 2 days a week whilst on mat leave. Worth every penny. I am mostly same, the house is occasionally clean, same for myself, both kids are doing well, all I think because I get this time to do stuff and relax.

I could have written your post in 1972 when my 2nd baby was born. I developed post natal depression and felt that I didn't love my baby. I was standing holding her one evening, looking out of the window at people walking by, and suddenly my eyes refocussed and I saw my reflection. I thought 'Anybody looking at me would think I loved this baby'.

The fact is, a lot of people don't experience that first rush of love. It doesn't mean the love isn't there. It's hidden somewhere behind the fog that you feel in after just having a baby, especially as in your case, where you have another child who is little more than a baby himself. You are tired, you're struggling to juggle the needs of two little ones, you're hormonal. Cut yourself some slack!

I had the lack of attachment and guilt thing witb my second, also had a 3 yr age gap and I think you’re so used to having one. I even told me DH in floods of tears that we’d made a massive mistake. It just gradually changed for me. I think it’s very common/normal. Just not nice at the time.

It doesn't seem like chaos - it is chaos! - or it certainly was when mine where that age. Live with the chaos - it goes with the territory.

I was a SW and used to be very suspicious of houses that I visited where there was not a thing out of place when there were little ones around - and mother will great long painted nails. Felt much more comfortable in the messy chaos that is real family life.

It sounds as tho your son is coping better with his changed role with you than you are with yours with him - does that make sense!?

Chill - you will bond with the little one netter when your mind is not taken up with feeling bad about depriving your son.

I am sure things will settle - until the next challenge arrives!