To spend our money as I please?

[notmyrealname3]

Have NCed as regular user and this is outing.

DH is working away a lot atm, big contracts that he can't turn down. Thanks to them we are comfortably off.

I am at home all week with autistic 3yo DS (currently on summer hols from nursery) and 6 week old DD. I had a c section. I also have PND and have been referred for counselling.

I found a lovely local doula to help us for a couple of days this week, as I'm exhausted. DH says 'fine but don't spend more than £60' - that's only 6 hours of help. Her minimum is 3 hours a day. She was in today and it was incredible. We wrote a list of things to do, prioritised them, and she cracked on with a lot of them while I fed DD. I felt supported for the first time in weeks. She's ace.

AIBU to get her in for four days as I really fucking need the help? We can afford it, DH is just being tight and underestimates how much I have on my plate right now. He's so wrapped up in work, and has been for weeks, that he just doesn't realise that I'm drowning.

Tell him you took that as 6 hours each day.
He has no right to leave you with 2 dc just after a csection if you aren't managing and can afford assistance.

I would do it, surely it’s your money too?

So long as you can 100% afford it, tell your husband THIS IS HAPPENING because you NEED this support. He is in no position to tell you what you need during this very stressful time. Basically, he has two options. He can keep his mouth shut or he can tell his boss he's needed at home, stop all this travelling for work and help you out until you're fully back on your feet. When he has a cesarean to recover from and two very small children to care for, he is more than welcome to be the martyr and go it alone.

Shit in a hat. He is away how does he expect you to manage? If you can afford it, then your sanity it worth every penny.

If he's not around and you can afford to pay then go for it, however what is your long term plan?

If he can't be around to support you, then you should pay for the help.

Can you afford it without putting your day-to-day life at risk - non-payment of bills etc.?

That's all you need to think about, really. Sounds as if you can afford it, so you abso-bloody-lutely should pay for the help you need.

How long till DS back at nursery? I would have her a minimum of 2 days per week until that happens, tbh.

DH doesn't work away for long periods all that often, this is a bit of an unprecedented streak that just so happens to coincide with the birth of DD. The work is lucrative, and we'd be crazy to turn it down. DH is self employed and works from home when he can but these recent contracts are non negotiable.

Anyway, DH is back on Sat morning and I've decided to take the extra help. If he asks why I've withdrawn extra money I'll tell him, otherwise I'll just keep schtum.

My blood is running cold just thinking about how much you have on your plate. How DARE he be 'tight' when he isn't the one who has to struggle through PND, post-operative recovery and looking after two small kids?

I would lay the guilt on. He’s not there and you need support

I would pay the doula and then get to sleep while she is there!

If he's not around and you can afford to pay then go for it, however what is your long term plan?

Did you read the OP? She has a 6 week old baby, and postnatal depression and is recovering from a c-section. Also her DH is hardly at home so no practical support. This is a hopefully short period of really horrendously difficult times which she needs support with.

Hopefully in a few weeks or months the c-section recovery will improve, the PND will be treated and she won't need the extra support. If she does continue to need it however then she should get it because what decent husband would refuse support his wife and leave her suffering when they have the means to help her?

I had PND, this kind of support can be life saving, literally! If you can afford it, do it, and don't feel you have to justify it. Your mental health outranks your DH opinion.

Long term plan is:

• baby will get older
• c section wound will heal
• DS will go back to nursery 2.5 days a week

My blood is running cold just thinking about how much you have on your plate. How DARE he be 'tight' when he isn't the one who has to struggle through PND, post-operative recovery and looking after two small kids?

This exactly!

Also I forgot in a month her three year old will be back at nursery.

She doesn't need a long term plan right now, just a way to survive the immediate few weeks without going into meltdown.

Out of interest, do you tell him what he can and cannot spend (of your household income)?

I hope he meant £60 per day.

I was clobbered with pnd and would have given anything for some support back then.

If you can afford it do it, it is not forever, when things are easier for you you can cut back again.

DH is just a bit clueless tbh, and wants to support us and do well at these big contracts to secure further work. So he has been particularly present, even when he's physically here, for some weeks.

He really has got a lot of work on, and is doing it as quickly and smartly as he can. But he can't avoid the fact that one job requires him to be a plane ride away for six nights.

I am usually very capable, or give the impression that I am, so many people think I find it easy.

DH gets anxious about money, but isn't financially controlling. He's definitely not financially abusing me.

*hasnt been present

Sorry, typing one handed with baby on me

Yanbu spend the money on the help and tell your dh that its in lieu of his while hes so wrapped up with work

I also had the house deep cleaned professionally last week when he was away, as it was vile.

Of course spend it and get the support but it sounds like DH is supportive and just naive about expectation, hopefully when you explain how amazing you've found the help, he will be fine with the extra cost.

I suppose it's easy to not realise the weight of expectation and responsibilities when you're away.