To spend our money as I please?

[notmyrealname3]

Have NCed as regular user and this is outing.

DH is working away a lot atm, big contracts that he can't turn down. Thanks to them we are comfortably off.

I am at home all week with autistic 3yo DS (currently on summer hols from nursery) and 6 week old DD. I had a c section. I also have PND and have been referred for counselling.

I found a lovely local doula to help us for a couple of days this week, as I'm exhausted. DH says 'fine but don't spend more than £60' - that's only 6 hours of help. Her minimum is 3 hours a day. She was in today and it was incredible. We wrote a list of things to do, prioritised them, and she cracked on with a lot of them while I fed DD. I felt supported for the first time in weeks. She's ace.

AIBU to get her in for four days as I really fucking need the help? We can afford it, DH is just being tight and underestimates how much I have on my plate right now. He's so wrapped up in work, and has been for weeks, that he just doesn't realise that I'm drowning.

DH gets anxious about money, but isn't financially controlling. He's definitely not financially abusing me.

So why are you sitting back, letting him get ripped to shreds by a load of anonymous keyboard warriors?

You want 4 days help @ 60 quid a day, you are comfortably off, why is this even an issue?

If you can genuinely afford it, and DH has just picked the figure of £60 from the air, then go for it!

You want 4 days help @ 60 quid a day, you are comfortably off, why is this even an issue?

I second this, it’s not a long term commitment.

If you can afford it, definitely get the help. Have you no family nearby to help out (as well, not instead of!).

Yes I did read the post, she's not the first to have two kids and no help from a partner, many can't afford any help.

just do it.
if he asks, just point out that it is a hell of a lot cheaper to pay thr doula than for him to miss work.

You should be clear with your husband about the need and the cost and mutually agree a way forward. You should not just go off and do what you like with shared money nor should you allow him to be unreasonably tight.

Hello there dreamingofKFC - I fully appreciate what point you're trying to make there, as I volunteer with Home-Start when not on maternity, but it seems a bit like you're suggesting I should just suck it up and get on with things, which is a bit rude tbh.

Just for scale, DH will earn over £3.5k this week. The doula will cost £120.

Why is he so anxious, then?

Because he's an anxious person Dowager, he'd be like this even if he earned twice as much.

If my DH put the price of my mental and physical health, along with that of our children, let alone after I'd carried said children, at the princely sum of £60, I would be having some very straight words with him. And being the responsible adult I am, I would spend whatever I saw fit within our family budget to get us through.

Take the support and I hope you get well soon.

Given your circumstances, yanbu. Not at all.

Is he anxious because he’s self employed and can’t guarentee 3.5k every week?

Yep Plughole, but he's having a very successful year and work is guaranteed for a good while yet.

And, no word of a lie, 60% of the time he works from home, in his pants.

Sounds like a bargain to me; do it.

It’s just a one off cost so I don’t see the problem really.

How does he handle your normal day to day spending?

He trusts me with day to day spending, plughole. I discuss anything I buy over £50 with him, but generally I just crack on with it.

Men can be so numb can't they. It's so much to deal with with no support. Don't feel guilty about getting the extra help, better that than you end up in hospital with exhaustion and escalating pnd....who's going to honour his contracts then? Take care of you! xxx

I would be honest with him about any spending, though. If he is as clueless as we think then he is not being tight - he just doesn't understand - and I think it would be unfair not to be honest with him. He sounds like a nice bloke who is probably sad to be missing out on his newborn's first weeks. You don't want to be deceptive - it'll start to rot.

I can’t really relate as I spend what I like (I work pt) but I think it’s a justified cost. If it makes you feel better I had a CS with DC2 & had full time help with childcare for 6 weeks - mix of childminder, mum & other family plus upped the cleaners hours.

You - and his children need this help. It is not unreasonable.

REally this is just the cost of him being free to work away at the moment. Get him to regard it in the same way as he does plane-fare/hotels.

Tell him its that or nursery for the older one - cost of that would make him jump at the Doula as that is cheap as chips at £10 phr