To spend our money as I please?

[notmyrealname3]

Have NCed as regular user and this is outing.

DH is working away a lot atm, big contracts that he can't turn down. Thanks to them we are comfortably off.

I am at home all week with autistic 3yo DS (currently on summer hols from nursery) and 6 week old DD. I had a c section. I also have PND and have been referred for counselling.

I found a lovely local doula to help us for a couple of days this week, as I'm exhausted. DH says 'fine but don't spend more than £60' - that's only 6 hours of help. Her minimum is 3 hours a day. She was in today and it was incredible. We wrote a list of things to do, prioritised them, and she cracked on with a lot of them while I fed DD. I felt supported for the first time in weeks. She's ace.

AIBU to get her in for four days as I really fucking need the help? We can afford it, DH is just being tight and underestimates how much I have on my plate right now. He's so wrapped up in work, and has been for weeks, that he just doesn't realise that I'm drowning.

He doesn't pay any expenses when away, all accommodation, travel, meals etc are paid for.

I think £60 is cheap for 6 hrs!

And I also hope you're able to get a nap while she's there.

I wish I had done this for a couple of weeks when mine were small. The money is trivial in your context and timescale and hands on support and company makes all the difference.

Congratulations on your newborn

(Reckon your DH may have somewhat underestimated the cost of "women's work" inadvertently)

I would lay the guilt on. He’s not there and you need support

Lay the guilt on for going out and earning money to look after his family? Mumsnet is a different planet.

Just explain to him that the doula was the only thing that stopped you getting so low and exhausted you'd have ended up in hospital.

Then he'd have had to come home to look after the newborn and your 3YO, so you've actually saved a ton of money.

Wow all those slating the DH, ‘how dare he leave her’ etc - he’s left her to go and earn money to support hi family!
He didn’t say no to the help, he’s obviously just clueless to how much it costs.
Just talk to him ffs

No intention of 'laying the guilt on' - I'm not a complete Mumsnet cliche...

I'm also baffled by this. The husband is working; he's not on a jolly.

However it does seem daft not to pay for the help if you can afford it.

I would give anything for some help right now (also recovering from c section) - a deep clean of the house would be amazing.

Yes I did read the post, she's not the first to have two kids and no help from a partner, many can't afford any help.

She's not. She won't even be the first mum to have an toddler with autism, tiny baby, PND and struggling with a c-section recovery (though I like how you minimised her problems). That's not really relevant though.

She needs help and they can afford to get her help. Should she also walk everywhere because many people can't afford a car? How about holidays, or new clothes, not everyone can afford those? Maybe she should just sell all her possessions, give all the money to charity and walk the streets in rags?

I think you just need to break it down to him that you really need the help. You're still recovering from having your stomach sliced open and dealing with two young children - along with PND. It's a temporary fix and he's earning a lot on this week and this is an expense which has to be paid for due to that.

Maybe on his return, leave him both both kids alone for a bit so he can fully understand how difficult it can be.

If he isn't financially abusive, he just probably doesn't realise how stressful it is and of course wants to watch the spending.

If you're not a spendaholic usually, he should understand eventually that this isn't a luxury, it's needed to make yours and your two kids lives less stressful while he isn't there.

Your DP sounds fine to me OP. Just explain that with all the factors, caring for two children that young both day and night just isn't good for you. It's not something I would have been able to afford in your position, but if I could, I deifnitely would have prioritised is for the sake of my sanity, health, and being able to contain the needs of both my 3yr old and a new baby.

Point out that it is just temporary but nevertheless necessary, and that he needs to trust you toale the right decisions for the family while he is away.

You need help, especially the emotional support. This is more important than anything else right now.

And it's totally irrelevant that others manage to do everything without the extra help. You guys can afford it so why struggle? Money can be earned back, so spend it and avoid the stress!

I don’t think that’s bad at all. When I had second child first child still went to nursery 30 hours a week @ £115. (Even though I had a year off!) I couldn’t have got through the newborn bit without this break. (I didn’t have a csection or PND and my husband wasnt working away!) sounds like you are getting a good deal! Enjoy the help and I hope you are feeling better soon

For heaven's sakes, the doula would cost less than your DH would if he were at home if you were to take into account the food he would eat, petrol money etc. Spend it and consider it to be an investment in your health and well being.

Surely he meant £60 a day - so go for it

Sounds like excellent value to be honest. It’s a short time expense with long term gains. Cheaper than therapy or medical intervention as a result of overdoing it.

OP I get it, whilst my DC are now adults (just) when they were very young DH worked away for stretches and I get how hard it is. Although my DH had a desk job (not at home in pants job) when in the UK he was still around lots and very hands on. That made it twice as bad when he disappeared off. We couldn't turn down the work, not because he was self employed, but because it was his job, he was rewarded well for travelling and it was needed to keep him on the career ladder.

The sacrifices when DC were small has paid huge dividends now.

I was very lucky to have my DMum close by and at hand for the first weeks post partum, then as I went back to work I was supported by an excellent selection of nannies. If I had stayed at home it would have been a doula or mother's help.

Some things have happened in my life that have changed my approach to live from very cautious only spend what you absolutely have to and save for a rainy day, to be sensible with money, save for the future but make sure you live for now too.

I realise that I was fortunate and that many people struggle through with limited help and no funds, however this should not stop those that can afford help from accessing it.

Do it, I also took that as £60/day which is roughly nursery fees per day.
You need to recover or he’ll be up shit creek. Then where will his tightness get him.

Do it OP. I had to have surgery when my 2nd was 3 months old and my DP took a week off work to look after me and the baby and do the nursery runs. At the end of the week he was desparate to go back to work for a rest. I was still ill so we hired a nanny 8am to 6pm and it was fab. Just do it and the cleaner it isn’t like you are out drinking and partying - you AND your children need this.

Because he's an anxious person Dowager, he'd be like this even if he earned twice as much.

Well, you're anxious too, right?

And your need is more current and pressing.