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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think my sister is selfish and cruel

71 replies

Sunnyday1203 · 30/07/2018 12:40

My sister and I have never had a good relationship and never will, we are totally different people. Our dad has dementia, he is difficult as many people are with dementia but he still knows me and his face lights up when I visit.. I have recently managed to get him into a home and he seems happy, I do live quite a distance but try to visit a couple to times a week, it is early days but make sure he his needs are met, including his urge to smoke quite bit ( home was chosen with this in mind). Anyway my sister and her family who have been supported by our dad over the last fifteen years including child care and monetary support, has announced she has said her goodbyes when he was in hospital and will not longer have anything to do with him, as he in "no longer the father she knew". AIBU this this is appalling, to my mind this is so self entitled and cruel. I think she is using dad to get to me. I found out earlier on in the year she had taken a £1000 as her "inheritance" WTAF, he is on a state pension and not dead, I demanded she pay it back. She also tried to block a home SW was trying to get a place as she said it was too far for her to travel. I have a 3 hour round trip to his care home but for me I don't care as long as he is in the right place. He does not understand why she has stopped visiting and not sure what to say to him.

OP posts:

Storminateapot · 30/07/2018 12:42

In a word, yes.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 30/07/2018 12:42

Maybe all the changes and your dads illness have unsettled her. I'm sure she'll come round eventually. How long has your dad been in the new care home?

ShumpaLumpa · 30/07/2018 12:43

YANBU, definitely selfish and cruel.

Can you report for the theft of £1k? Can you get power of attorney?

Is she expecting a further inheritance if he dies?

GeorgeIII · 30/07/2018 12:44

Yes, she is.
Thing is there’s nothing you can do.
I wouldn’t inform her of anything. Cut contact, she may eventually come back.
If he does have any money or savings is it tied up somehow so she can’t get it.

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 30/07/2018 12:44

Yes she’s a bitch. I could understand if your father had no recollection anymore, that would be very hard, but if he still knows you both and notices her absence that’s really cruel.

NewYearNewMe18 · 30/07/2018 12:45

Some people cannot deal with the decline of their loved one, others are made of sterner stuff. I wouldn't be so quick to condemn her because she cant cope.

You say she took the money, Did Dad give it to her? How did she have access to his bank account? You can report this to the safeguarding officer at the care home, this is financial abuse.

I think she is using dad to get to me why would she do this though?

MarthasGinYard · 30/07/2018 12:45

One the face of info given

She certainly is

Awful

MarthasGinYard · 30/07/2018 12:46

Sorry about your dad it must be really harrowing

NewYearNewMe18 · 30/07/2018 12:46

Powers of Attorney have to be create whilst the person has capacity to do so.

www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney

Ginkypig · 30/07/2018 12:48

To be honest if this is how she was treating him it's probably actually for the best that she has done this! At least you know he will be safe from her manipulation.

Don't try to argue the point with her just let her make her choice.

Anxious2niteaaah · 30/07/2018 12:48

Report the £1000, she may get to decide if she doesn't want to see him, buy she doesn't decide if she inherits from him and can't just help herself to a chunk of his money and call it inheritance... Report it to the police,

Timeisslippingaway · 30/07/2018 12:49

Both my grandparents had dementia and had to go into a home op so I know how difficult it is and the strain that was put on my mother and her sister during that time. We also lived pretty far from the home. One of my cousins did this. Refused to visit he said exactly what your sister did. I couldn't believe it. I was disgusted.
I would cut contact with her now she sounds awful

MatildaTheCat · 30/07/2018 12:50

Just typed and lost a long reply. Contact AgeUK for support with all of this. Don’t allow your sister to steal from your dad and work with SS in finding the best solution for your dad.

Your sister may change her stance but sounds worth avoiding right now.

Ginkypig · 30/07/2018 12:50

Also that's a good point about power of attorney and also getting his will sorted and getting you named as executor now while he still has the capacity. It means you can keep him protected when he becomes really vulnerable.

MarthaArthur · 30/07/2018 12:51

Yes she is a nasty selfish bitch. All she was interested in was his money.

I used to work in a home and people honestly shoved their releatives in and never visited ever, only returning to pick up their stuff. Many didnt even do that. One of my residents families moved far away and only returned upon death and didnt take anything and told us to burn the photos of said relative smiling and having fun. Its heart breaking. My uncle now has dementia and isnt yet in a home but his own children are already washing their hands of him. When he eventually goes into a home they will never visit him.
Your poor father. Sorry op thats so tough.

MarthaArthur · 30/07/2018 12:54

Its all about your dad now. And your sister should know that its not about her selfish feelings. When my gran died she asked my cousin to visit her one last time and cousin refused saying she didnt want to see her like that. Gran died never having said her last words to said cousin and it infuriates me to this day. I was 13 and she was 30 there was no excuse. Your sister sounds the same way. Some people dont care.

As pp said get power of attorney. Your dsis cannot legally have gained £1000 inheritance from a living person with no capasity. Also who is paying the care home? Keep an eye on that too.

Greenteandchives · 30/07/2018 12:54

My sister did this, Sunny. My mother was in a nursing home for a few years before she died. She didn’t know me, but she seemed to recognise me in some way and enjoy my visits. My sister didn’t go near her until she was at death’s door, then she went. She was hailed as the prodigal daughter by my dad, which hurt so much. My dad was always so upset that she never went.

Original poster

Sunnyday1203 · 30/07/2018 12:55

She has blocked me and has said she wants nothing to do with me which is ironic. More ironic is she is a trained nurse and works in social care, so not being able to cope is not the reason in my mind. Re the £1000 I will just have to let it go. One of he main reasons is she says he uses he for cigarettes which she does not approve of and as I said not the dad she loved before. I find it quite incredible how dementia is not understood. the person cannot help it.

OP posts:

MarthaArthur · 30/07/2018 12:57

Op my cousin was also a dementia carer! Its so strange but selfish people are selfish people. They cant be helped. I think you would be happier cutting her off and not engaging. But when the time comes that your dad passes away please be wary she will be at the funeral and will want her inheritance. I know thats not nice to say but please sort this all out ahead of time as it will lighten the burden further down the road.

Bunchofdaffodils · 30/07/2018 12:59

I am shocked she is a nurse and behaving like this.

Stillme1 · 30/07/2018 13:01

There are so many sisters like this who leave it all to one of the adult children to look after the parent(s). It is quite unpleasant.

It is no longer a surprise to me that the worst culprits of this are people employed in NHS or Care situations. It makes me worry about my older relatives and the care they would get from someone who is so careless with their own elderlies.

ShumpaLumpa · 30/07/2018 13:04

There are so many sisters like this who leave it all to one of the adult children to look after the parent(s). It is quite unpleasant.

Surely that should 'so many siblings', not 'sisters'?

My brother is a complete fuckwit and does nothing for my mum but expects to inherit her house.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/07/2018 13:04

What an appalling situation! Sorry op.

Absolutely ask your sister to return the 1k immediately as you will go to the police. He presumably needs that money.

It is NOT for your sister to take this money as an advance on a will for someone who isn't dead yet... And has dementia is theft.

Also tell her that your dad is asking for her....

Do this in writing /text.

Give her an amount of time to return the money to your dad's account!

Dear sister,

I've been visiting dad @ sunny care home twice weekly. Even though he has dementia he keeps asking for you and why you haven't visited.

Also please return the 1k you took from dad's account, he needs this.

Loving sister...

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/07/2018 13:05

PS please confirm you have done this in next 7 days.

Original poster

Sunnyday1203 · 30/07/2018 13:05

Martha my dad has no money what so ever so there is nothing to have. Still yes it is very worrying. Carers in Dad's home seem lovely. He has only been there couple of weeks.

OP posts:

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