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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my sister is selfish and cruel

71 replies

Sunnyday1203 · 30/07/2018 12:40

My sister and I have never had a good relationship and never will, we are totally different people. Our dad has dementia, he is difficult as many people are with dementia but he still knows me and his face lights up when I visit.. I have recently managed to get him into a home and he seems happy, I do live quite a distance but try to visit a couple to times a week, it is early days but make sure he his needs are met, including his urge to smoke quite bit ( home was chosen with this in mind). Anyway my sister and her family who have been supported by our dad over the last fifteen years including child care and monetary support, has announced she has said her goodbyes when he was in hospital and will not longer have anything to do with him, as he in "no longer the father she knew". AIBU this this is appalling, to my mind this is so self entitled and cruel. I think she is using dad to get to me. I found out earlier on in the year she had taken a £1000 as her "inheritance" WTAF, he is on a state pension and not dead, I demanded she pay it back. She also tried to block a home SW was trying to get a place as she said it was too far for her to travel. I have a 3 hour round trip to his care home but for me I don't care as long as he is in the right place. He does not understand why she has stopped visiting and not sure what to say to him.

OP posts:
Heatherjayne1972 · 30/07/2018 18:54

Is it possible that some old people are put in homes and forgotten about because they were truly awful parents and grandparents ?
Should families ‘suck it up’ if their loved one was horrible
Not saying that’s the case here op. I think you did and doing the best you can for your dad

treaclesoda · 30/07/2018 19:00

If someone was a crap parent or relative then certainly, cut that person out. You reap what you sow after all.

But that's very much at the opposite end of the spectrum from people who claim they are so devoted to their relatives that they simply can't bear to see them.

Trinity66 · 30/07/2018 19:04

YANBU but there's nothing you can do about, I wouldn't waste your energy on arguing with her about it though, that's probably what she wants, at least your dad has you though

Twombly · 30/07/2018 20:22

Well, people only 'can't cope' when they have the option of not coping.

Everybody has that option. If you see it as an option, you are not yet at the stage of not coping. Hmm

treaclesoda · 30/07/2018 20:31

I disagree. Loads of people just don't have the opportunity to turn away and say they can't cope. Do people move out if someone they share a home with becomes ill? Do parents of ill children have the option of washing their hands of them? Does the person with the illness get to opt out of it? They don't. They cope because they have to.

Original poster
Sunnyday1203 · 31/07/2018 09:55

treacle some good points. Partly I could understand someone not supporting a parent if there was a bad relationship. In my sisters case dad moved to be near them to support her with childcare, whilst she studied and changed careers several times. He supported her financially and emotionally . Whilst I am I am my brother have had nothing. I am fine with this, the times he did see me were nice, she needed him. She does not cope. It saddens me that he does still remember my sister and wonders why she does not want to bother with him anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunnyday1203 · 01/08/2018 13:38

Oh and to make matters worse, DM thinks my sister is justified.

OP posts:
derxa · 01/08/2018 13:49

DM?

IceCreamFace · 01/08/2018 13:51

She sounds bloody awful. I'm so sorry OP Flowers

JessieMcJessie · 01/08/2018 13:59

OP’s Mum presumably derxa. Are they divorced OP?

Original poster
Sunnyday1203 · 01/08/2018 14:16

yes mother and yes divorced. She says horrible things about dad. Like she thinks withdrawing food and drink from him will give him and early death and yes she was also a nurse ffs. God my family sound dreadful.

OP posts:
Bluelady · 01/08/2018 14:27

Completely agree that for some of us not coping isn't a choice. There's often no alternative. I'm really sorry your sister's so selfish, OP, but all you can do is continue to do what you're doing.

Although there were some days when my mum didn't know who I was, there were some days when she did. Her face used to light up when I walked in on those days and it was wonderful. That memory sustains me now she's gone.

Don't give your sister another thought. This is all about you and your dad now.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 01/08/2018 14:32

I think we all deal with grief in different ways and where there are siblings and one is stepping up, it does allow others to back away or give them the option to do what suits them. I have also just put my mum in a home for dementia patients and she is very much ‘gone’, it’s like I’ve gained an extra child and the responsibility of full time care. But I’m an only child so just need to get on with it. I think if there was an option, I would back away because it is dreadfully painful and there is no clear end insight. It is an endless, terminal diagnosis.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/08/2018 14:35

So he moved to look after your sister financially, emotionally and provide childcare. It seems as though your sister has decided to be the one, who leans on others and gets to be the one, who doesn’t cope. Your mother is disgraceful for saying such things to her children. She clearly isn’t mature enough to put her feelings to one side and see how loving, kind and caring her ex has been to their child. It sounds as if your sister is as immature as her mother. Your mothers behaviour would also make me feel very different about her. Sad.

What is your brother’s take on this? Could your father be moved closer to you?

Cornishclio · 01/08/2018 14:41

You could also say your sister lived next door to your dad for 15 years and even if he helped with childcare maybe he wanted to do that and she helped him out too as his dementia got worse and before he went into a home. I always think it is the one further away who does not realise how much of a struggle it is to cope with loved ones with dementia when they only see them briefly.

It is cruel for her to walk away now though and definitely to take £1000 off him.

Babyblade · 01/08/2018 14:45

Shock Angry @ your "D"M ... speechless Sad

SenecaFalls · 01/08/2018 14:47

And by 'can't cope' I don't mean people who can't cope with providing round the clock care - realistically no one can cope with the physical and emotional demands of that. I just mean visit for a few minutes, smile at the person, hold their hand or whatever.

I agree. I suspect that people who can't even do this much for family members are usually just selfish. Also people with dementia may comprehend more than we know; they may appreciate the visit and the attention, but not be able to express it.

But some family members may still make it all about themselves.

Original poster
Sunnyday1203 · 01/08/2018 15:21

OhReally Sorry about your mum, horrible to deal with. My dad has not "gone" yet and gets very happy to see me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunnyday1203 · 02/08/2018 10:42

Cornish yes I sure dad liked looking after his GC, but it did have an impact, he really was not able enough in the end to be in charge if a small child but that is another matter. I accept that is must have been tough for my sister as he got worse, I have been very involved past couple of years not just a few minutes. My dad needs to be in home it would be impossible for him to live with any of us, he needs constant attention. My original post was about her being a selfish ass, which I think she is.

OP posts:
spidey66 · 02/08/2018 10:49

Very cruel. My nan had Alzheimers so I know the effect it can have. Eventually she didn't recognise my grandad or her own children, so obviously didn't know her grandchildren and ended up in a care home. However the whole family continued to support her, she was our nan/mum/wife after all, long before she got ill.

Original poster
Sunnyday1203 · 02/08/2018 14:18

I have just had a bit of messaging with one of my nephews ( he was very close to dad), he is now 19, I messaged him saying Grandad would love to see you, to which I got "that too bad, I am busy", I replied well I did not mean now but when you have time. To which he replied, "he is not out of hospital yet". I have put him right. Staggering she is willing to include her family in the abandonment. Words fail me. I hope I have talked him around

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