AIBU to think my sister is selfish and cruel

[Sunnyday1203]

My sister and I have never had a good relationship and never will, we are totally different people. Our dad has dementia, he is difficult as many people are with dementia but he still knows me and his face lights up when I visit.. I have recently managed to get him into a home and he seems happy, I do live quite a distance but try to visit a couple to times a week, it is early days but make sure he his needs are met, including his urge to smoke quite bit ( home was chosen with this in mind). Anyway my sister and her family who have been supported by our dad over the last fifteen years including child care and monetary support, has announced she has said her goodbyes when he was in hospital and will not longer have anything to do with him, as he in "no longer the father she knew". AIBU this this is appalling, to my mind this is so self entitled and cruel. I think she is using dad to get to me. I found out earlier on in the year she had taken a £1000 as her "inheritance" WTAF, he is on a state pension and not dead, I demanded she pay it back. She also tried to block a home SW was trying to get a place as she said it was too far for her to travel. I have a 3 hour round trip to his care home but for me I don't care as long as he is in the right place. He does not understand why she has stopped visiting and not sure what to say to him.

Honestly if you are going to let her steal from your father and get away with it, then better to remove all trace of her from your life.
Look after your father and spend time with him because you want to. It does not matter what she does or doesn’t do, that is a matter for her and her conscience.

Tell your dad I am sure sister will be a long soon, don’t hurt him with the truth. He won’t know when he last saw tee anyway and for his sake best to keep it that way.

It is a shame your sister is the way she is, but not a surprise I suspect.

Do what you want to do for your dad, enjoy this time and don’t allow anything to overshadow it.

I think it is very selfish but sadly some people only want to do what is best for themselves. It is incredibly hard for everyone involved to watch a loved one change like this however it doesn't mean we can walk away.

We experienced a similar situation with all relatives washing their hands and walking away until after the person passed away. Sadly some of them have massive regrets for not visiting and this may be the case for your sister too.

It sounds as though you ignored her wishes about the care home and she's retaliating by saying she won't visit there. Since it sounds as though she is the child who stayed closest to him and hence probably had the biggest burden of care, I think you could have managed all of this better. It's a difficult time for everyone and if you've never had a close relationship, it's not unusual that this has tested it. Try to think of your father rather than your DSIS. And try to appreciate that this is difficult for her too and she will deal with it in her own way and time.

I was [sceptical] about the number of people weeping and wailing at mil's funeral, who hadn't visited her for a couple of years "because we wanted to remember her as she was". Great. Dh was quite cross at all the crocodile tears.

Different people react differently to dementia and the loss of identity that gradually ensues. I think you should not be so quick to judge her on the basis of this alone. Also, speaking from experience, depending on how long your father lives, there will be difficult care decisions to make down the line and you may yet be glad she has removed herself from the picture at this early stage. Siblings fighting over what is best for an incapacitated loved one is a whole other kind of disappointing.

I am sorry for your situation but well done finding him a good care home, which is a major achievement. for you and your Dad.

Apologies - I should have said siblings and not sisters

That sounds terribly hurtful for both you and your father. Idk if I could just ignore the £1000. Its your dads money. It is baffling your sister has chosen not to visit. Even if it is to do with you choosing the care home. It is hardly something to hold against your father.

As for not visiting people much. Perhaps people in the home thought that of me with my stepfather. The truth is I’m disabled and chronically ill. I don’t live locally and visited rarely but supported my mother at the end at great cost to my health.

Were you and your sister ever close?

Jessica How could I have handled it better, We all agreed dad needed to go in to a home, he is now in one about 15minutes from my sister. I am a 3 hour round trip, I had a hard job trying to find a place that would take him because of his smoking. My dad moved to live next to my sister 15 years ago to help with childcare whilst she took yet another degree and changed career. This never bothered me until now as she is showing what a self entitled spoilt brat, it seems poos dad has no other purpose for her.

As for choosing a home I was give little options as Social care gave me few options, I did turn a couple down because they were totally unsuitable for dads needs.

Yes she is!
My brother and I decided that our children would not visit our father once he reached a certain stage- as the youngest found his conversations about his ( dad's) grandmother visiting him upsetting. Shortly afterwards he did not fully recognise us although he responded to our voices. However we visited him regularly and chatted to him. I used to say to his friends that I told him all the news so that if he woke up he couldn't claim I hadn't told him everything.

But we were on the same page- it is difficult if you are not. If he is happy with the home and he is- then you have done your very best.
Write to her asking her to return the money as he needs it. She may not approve of him smoking, but she should not take his money to stop him doing it.

You say you and your sister have never been close and it could be that you don't know very much about the relationship she had with DF over the years before he became unwell.

You undoubtedly feel aggrieved because of the increase in responsibility that you have in respect of DF although you are ok with that from what you say, but yet you resent your sister's attitude. That is hard to blame you for as it stands.

From the situation as it is it seems to me there would be some benefit in your trying to understand why your sister has taken this line and see if you can help, even thought your present anger may be an obstacle. But without some meaningful dialogue you will never know.

tams dad can difficult and unreasonable as people with dementia. I can assure I am not angry and not resentful, I take things in my stride he made his choices and never blamed him. I just cannot understand how she can walk away. And for the record I have never understood her way of thinking

I completely understand how hard it is to watch a loved one decline, we grieved for my grandma the day she was diagnosed with dementia then went on to live with it for 10 years.

Not one day went by when we didn't see her, even though it was hard I couldn't not have cut contact with her for her sake.

Your sister is being extremely selfish and putting her needs first, has she thought about your dad in this at all, what about his wishes.

I don't have any suggestions on what to do, just wanted to agree with you and hope you manage to keep strong

Being a nurse doesn’t make it any easier to watch someone slip away in front of you. I can sympathise with her even if we can’t all agree with it. I’m not built to nurse people I find it so hard, but I will do it for my family.

I would be rubbish nurse lol. But when I see dad , I take him books, chat to him about everything and anything, make him laugh oh and take him fags. All be I am a ex smoker but it is what he likes. I know one day he will not know who I am but we are not there yet.

You don’t need to explain to your DF why she has stopped visiting. Maybe ring her while you are next visiting and put him on the phone so she can do it herself.

Id report her fortheft.

I have zero sympathy for the people who 'can't cope'. Someone has to cope. The person who is ill has to cope. The people who have to cope feel like they can't cope either, but they've no choice. Same with 'oh, I never visit in hospital, I don't like them, they're scary places'. Guess what, no one likes visiting in hospital, no one likes seeing a loved one in pain or distress.

Having nursed a terminally ill parent, you definitely find out who actually cares and who is only concerned about their own feelings.

YANBU.

I’m also short of patience with those who “can’t bear” to see their loved ones not as they remember them. None of us enjoys it, some of us just have to suck it up and do it, because otherwise our loved ones would have no visitors and feel very unloved. And yes, they do notice.

If I sound sore it’s because I’m just in from visiting my DM, who has advanced dementia and is in a care home. I’m the only one of her two daughters who visits. All the time I’m there (several times a week) I am joined by a succession of other residents excited to see a visitor, hopeful it is for them. But their nearest and dearest, poor things, can’t bear to visit, so it never is.

I have zero sympathy for the people who 'can't cope'.

I find this attitude baffling. What should someone who doesn't feel they can cope do about it then? Man up? Pull themselves together? Get a grip? Not very helpful advice, really. Different people have different thresholds for coping and different ways of understanding what it is to cope. They also have different support systems themselves, and different things going on in their lives, that may or may not be obvious, that alter how well equipped they are to cope. Do you have zero sympathy with that too?

It's also important to remember that people who look like they're coping on the surface often aren't really, and that continuing to act as though everything is under control when it isn't can be very destructive. Not to mention that being 'the one who copes' isn't necessarily the selfless act it appears to be. Families are complicated, and nothing brings that out more than bereavement and pre-bereavement, in my experience.

Personally, I think OP would do better to talk to her sister about what thoughts and feelings their father's dementia is triggering for her than dwelling on perceived inequalities between their respective relationships with him.

Well, people only 'can't cope' when they have the option of not coping. The person who is ill doesn't get to opt out. If we all decided that we couldn't cope then every sick person in the country would be left to fend for themselves. We might as well throw the sick and elderly into the street in that case.

No one can cope with seeing a much loved family member or friend descend into a shadow of their former selves. But the vast majority of people grit their teeth and visit anyway because it brings comfort to their loved one.

And by 'can't cope' I don't mean people who can't cope with providing round the clock care - realistically no one can cope with the physical and emotional demands of that. I just mean visit for a few minutes, smile at the person, hold their hand or whatever.

I'm sorry but I've no sympathy either for all these people "who can't cope". I managed to keep my DM at home until her final illness even though she had Dementia and I coped whether I liked it or not! It was DM's one desire to stay in her own home and because I loved her I did everything possible to make it happen.

Your sister is no loss to you, when your DF dies at least you will have the comfort of knowing you did right by him. UnMumsnetty hugs to you and a big Sod Odd to your sister!

Sorry, Off not odd!

OP I would also be an awful nurse. My contribution is to do what you do, chat about anything and everything, look at photos and magazines together, make sure she has everything she needs. I’m lucky to be nearby. If I weren’t I’d still do it but less often. But however far away I was I’d visit SOMETIME.

Your sister, like mine, is no loss.