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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this is Domestic Abuse?

56 replies

poopsqueak · 30/07/2018 11:42

Brother ended up in hospital. Had a massive argument with his wife (they were drunk).

She hit him and he fell over and broke his arm.

Everyones saying 'how sad' (my mum and her mum) it is, but my AIBU is to think that if this was the other way around it would not be 'how sad' but 'how terrible and disgusting' it would be.

I have tried texting him and calling but he hasn't picked up. I cant get to him today as I am off work but I am so worried about him.

Not to drip feed - they have ridiculous rows and its all alcohol related. They have broke up a few times following massive rows and are now married.

OP posts:

Original poster

poopsqueak · 30/07/2018 12:01

anyone - bumping this for advice. What do I say to him?

OP posts:

icelollycraving · 30/07/2018 12:07

If they were drunk, he’s probably got a banging hangover.
You could just say that you love him, you’re worried about him. Also maybe ask what he’d do or feel if this happened to you when you were arguing with your partner.

PinkHeart5914 · 30/07/2018 12:09

She hit him so yes she is absolutely in the wrong and as you say if a man dares hit a woman there is outrage but some people don’t even seem to feel that strongly if it’s a woman doing the hitting!

I hope your brother is ok. When you call just ask if his ok and if he wants to talk about it ( he may not) then talk about what you normally would

RoboJesus · 30/07/2018 12:15

You haven't spoken to him so you don't know the content of the situation. If he had her up against a wall or by her hair or they were mutually fighting then definitely not. If she just hit him then yes that is domestic violence. Just ask him what happened and if he needs anything

Original poster

poopsqueak · 30/07/2018 12:24

Umm I do know the context. Robojesus wtf!

They were arguing, she wouldn't let him leave (he wanted to go for a walk) so he tried to go out the door and she hit him. He fell and broke his arm.

I find it disgusting that you would suggest he had to have done something to make her hit him. Like I said in my OP people have such strange different reactions when it is the woman who is doing to abusing.

OP posts:

NewYearNewMe18 · 30/07/2018 12:28

How do you know the context if you haven't spoken to him? Chinese Whispers are a dangerous game.

Two pissed up people get into a fight. Ends badly. But you have no idea who was doing what before hand, what was said.

SugarIsAmazing · 30/07/2018 12:30

My partner used to get hit by his ex partner when she was drunk. I once asked him why he never hit her back and he just shrugged and said "it's not like she could hurt me". But he did used to pick her up and plonk her outside and leave her there.

I think usually people in reverse domestic violence don't see it as serious because the woman can't really do any damage.

But in OP's case it's stoll domestic violence and the couple should most likely split up, although would the "victim" (the brother) keep any children or would the perpetrator (the wife)? As usually it would be the victim.

hungryhippo90 · 30/07/2018 12:32

Of course it is, but you know you’re on Mumsnet so you know you’re going to hear allsorts saying he deserved it.

Sounds like a nasty attack,
She tried to stop him leaving the house when he was trying to diffuse the situation, she hit him with enough force that he fell and broke a bone..., that was some force she must have used.

It’s not so sad, it’s disgusting and should be viewed as such. Your poor brother.

Original poster

poopsqueak · 30/07/2018 14:37

I have spoken to him now. Feel very sad about the situation.

She drank an entire bottle of vodka and then some red wine. He tried to take her home and they started arguing.

He says his heads all over the place and he doesn't know what to do. That he doesnt want to bring a child into this kind of situation. I think hes going to leave her tbh.

Its not the first time shes done something like this. She has thrown a glass at him and snapped his necklace off before. Poor guy.

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/07/2018 14:41

Oh God no, don't let him bring kids into that toxic relationship.

All you can do is support him at the moment. Make it clear that whatever he decides, you'll support him, but that you're worried about him.

Shoxfordian · 30/07/2018 14:41

Yes it's domestic abuse
Hope he does leave her

Shoxfordian · 30/07/2018 14:41

Mankind might be able to help him

RoboJesus · 30/07/2018 14:55

Don't get your knickers in a twist. You know the situations I described aren't DV.

RoboJesus · 30/07/2018 15:00

If I were you I'd offer him your place to stay and to help him start his life without her. Then he knows theres a place he can go where he can always be safe

Piffle11 · 30/07/2018 15:07

He clearly needs to get out of this relationship - it's not going to get any better. This is his warning sign: does he want this woman to be the mother of his children?? Anyone who can drink that much and remain standing/fighting is clearly a pro at it, and it won't be something she can stop easily.

Piffle11 · 30/07/2018 15:10

Also if she's done stuff before then it doesn't tend to stop … it tends to get worse. She's thrown a glass at him, snapped a necklace from his neck … and now caused an accident where he's ended up with a broken bone. What next? My ex was like this: first just arguing, then throwing things, then elbowing me, and finally trying to push me through a glass door. Each incident is worse than the last.

AngelsSins · 30/07/2018 15:16

You’re unreasonable to think if the sexes were reverse people would be outraged. All too often they’re not. Have you never read a story about a man killing his wife, and they get quotes from the neighbours saying what a nice guy he is, or implying she did something that meant it was her fault? Let’s not pretend women always get support.

moredoll · 30/07/2018 15:20

It is abuse. She needs to stop drinking - she has a massive problem. No way should they have a child.

BarbaraofSevillle · 30/07/2018 15:22

Of course it's abuse. If a woman had had her arm broken by a violent alcoholic male partner, how many calls to LTB do you think there would be by now?

He needs to leave her and she needs to get help with her alcohol dependence.

Original poster

poopsqueak · 30/07/2018 15:24

I can't believe the amount she can drink and stay upright. It's terrifying.

Robo, I hope you never have to comfort a distressed sibling who's in this situation. It's horrible.

I'll point him in the direction of Mankind, thanks for that suggestion.

He has left a few times before, temporarily but always went back. They joint own the home but this time says he's just not leaving full stop. I do sense a change in him.

OP posts:

Sommelierrrr · 30/07/2018 15:29

Really feel for you and your brother op. Yes it's abuse, yes it's toxic and yes it will only get worse. Hope mankind can help as well and that he gets out of it asap

Original poster

poopsqueak · 30/07/2018 16:02

He's got to have surgery tomorrow. She's going to the doctors. She's done this before.

I am going to sound harsh but I simply don't believe this is mental health related. I think this is an alcohol related loss of control. It's behavioural. Last time she went and was put on anti depressants as was he and they both had counselling.

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/07/2018 16:09

I find it disgusting that you would suggest he had to have done something to make her hit him

Really? Why? We don't know your brother didn't hit her first or has done in the post do we?

Let's face it domestic abuse victims are usually women so it's not beyond the realms of possibility that people might think he'd pushed or hit her first.

hungryhippo90 · 30/07/2018 16:21

OP, from your first post I thought it must have happened before, doubtful that a broken bone would be the result of a first time DV episode, he needs to know that it’ll continually get worse if he doesn’t leave.
She will either kill him, or he will snap and seriously hurt her.

I really hope he leaves her for good this time

hungryhippo90 · 30/07/2018 16:23

Greatduckcookery- funny that when a woman posts after being hit by her partner no one says, oh so what did you do to deserve it? Women aren’t treated with suspicion from the outset, but men are fair game.

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