to think this is Domestic Abuse?

[poopsqueak]

Brother ended up in hospital. Had a massive argument with his wife (they were drunk).

She hit him and he fell over and broke his arm.

Everyones saying 'how sad' (my mum and her mum) it is, but my AIBU is to think that if this was the other way around it would not be 'how sad' but 'how terrible and disgusting' it would be.

I have tried texting him and calling but he hasn't picked up. I cant get to him today as I am off work but I am so worried about him.

Not to drip feed - they have ridiculous rows and its all alcohol related. They have broke up a few times following massive rows and are now married.

That's because typically men are more violet to their female partners and can cause more damage because they're male.

Neither sex should be violent to their partners obviously!

Violent not violet

Violence is wrong. Yes, men commit most of the physical violence both domestically and non domestically. But when a man is the victim, that is just as wrong.

Greatduckcookery- funny that when a woman posts after being hit by her partner no one says, oh so what did you do to deserve it? Women aren’t treated with suspicion from the outset, but men are fair game.
No wonder men don’t want to speak out.

You can only be there for db, and let him know he did norhing to deserve this.
He may go back to her, just let him know you’re there for him

Really sorry your brother is going through this. As others have suggested it may be nice for you to offer him a place to stay whilst he gets his head sorted. He definitely shouldn't bring a child into this (but you know this already). And yes it's domestic abuse.

You say They were drunk, not "She was drunk". I'm not trying to minimise what has happened, but were either of them in a fit state?

Maybe he would not have fallen had he been sober - perhaps he was off balance to begin with, perhaps he just tripped and fell over

You are right that physical violence of any type is indefensible, but you only have his account of what happened - he may not remember everything, or he may be putting himself in a better light (as we all do) - and obviously, he is your brother - you love him and take his side; but maybe things aren't as clear cut as they seem.

However, he is right that they shouldn't even be thinking about having a child while they are drinking so much, even if they were lovey-dovey ever inch of they way.

He can't stop her from drinking, but he can stop himself if he really wants to - whether they split up or not is entirely up to them, but it doesn't sound a healthy relationship.

I think Duck makes valid points - men are usually the aggressors, and they are physically stronger. But hitting someone - anyone - is not acceptable.

Do you know this couple then sugar?
If not how on earth can you know for certainty there wasn't violence from both sides?

The assumption from some on here that he somehow brought it on himself is disgusting.

Is he willing to report her to the police?

If he's not willing to leave the house this might be the only way to get her to leave.

If not how on earth can you know for certainty there wasn't violence from both sides?

Do you say that on threads where the woman is the victim? If not then don't say it when the victim is male.

OP I hope your DB is ok.

Do you say that on threads where the woman is the victim?

No I don't. Why not? Because the vast majority of domestic incidents involve the male beating the shit out of the woman. Of course there are cases of female to male violence but compared to male to female violence the number is negligible.

@GreatDuckCookery - that doesn't matter, in this case it was the other way round. The statistics about the rest isn't relevant to this at all. Your posts disgust me - he needs surgery ffs.

OP I hope your brother recovers and leaves her. Judging by your posts, you'll be there to support him and that's exactly what he needs.

I think usually people in reverse domestic violence don't see it as serious because the woman can't really do any damage.

There's no such thing as 'reverse domestic violence'. Just like there's no such thing as reverse racism or reverse sexism. These are appalling behaviours that a person of either sex or any race can choose to inflict on another person. The word 'reverse' suggests the opposite of the negative word/phrase that follows it and, in such a case as this, is only one etymological thought-step away from the word 'positive'. Therefore, if 'reverse domestic violence' did exist, it could only weirdly mean something like being especially kind and thoughtful towards your partner.

How do you know that a woman 'can't really' do any damage to a male partner? Even if we made a patronising bizarre assumption that all females of any age and build are weak, helpless little buttercups and all males are dominating physical powerhouses, what about if she uses a weapon, waits until he's asleep, he's 40 years older than her? And wherever do you start apportioning 'acceptability' of DV within lesbian or gay male relationships? Yes, the majority of DV is perpetrated by males against females, but we must never use a person's inherent, unchangeable characteristics as an excuse for victim blaming or shaming. ALL DV is vile and unacceptable and all victims of it deserve support and not shaming.

Men's Advice Line is apparently good - 0808 801 0327 (www.mensadviceline.org.uk)

At least they don't have kids, that would be really messy. Hope he sticks to his guns and leaves OP

The reason that the numbers of male victims are so low is the reluctance of male victims to report, and people like Robbo, GreatDuckCookery and Schadenfreude are part of the problem. You are disgusting.

He can contact the Freedom Programme too. They will likely suggest he does the online version as groups for men are almost entirely aimed at perpetrators, but a lot of the online FP will still be relevant.

This is clearly abusive, it's obviously so. The only possible justification for hitting would be self defence which isn't the case here. The sex of the perpetrator and the victim aren't relevant when it comes to defining what's happening here.

Having said that, it is plain wrong to suggest that the reason there are fewer male victims of domestic violence is only because of a lack of reporting. Women are not as violent as men, on average.

I hope, @poopsqueak, that your brother can access appropriate help and can get away from this awful situation.

Thank you Skaross.

Pointing out that ANY violence is unacceptable is disgusting is it?

And also mentioning that the only people who know the truth of the incident are the OP'S brother and his wife is disgusting?

And agreeing that no child should be brought up in a family of drunken violent parents is disgusting?

I'll bear that in mind.

Maybe he would not have fallen had he been sober - perhaps he was off balance to begin with, perhaps he just tripped and fell over

You're a victim blamer Schadenfreude and I find that disgusting.

Do you know this couple then sugar?
If not how on earth can you know for certainty there wasn't violence from both sides?

Absolutely shameful.

Nah, if this were the other way around there'd be a chorus of people saying such delightful things as "well, what were you thinking getting yourself in this mess?"

Or "why did you buy a house with this person when you knew they were like this?"

Or "why haven't you left yet?"

Or "what did you really expect to happen if you put yourself in that position?"

Or "it's unfair to label him an abuser, he probably has gambling issues, or alcohol issues, or is depressed"

or "he's no monster, labelling this abuse is unhelpful to the victims of actual abuse"

Or "you're clearly codependent and enabling him. You need to take responsibility for your life choices."

Or "what about your marriage vows? Aren't you going to honour them?"

Or "you really shouldn't have answered him back / been sarcastic / argued with him, what did you expect him to do?"

And despite all of that there would still be the usual MRAs popping up to declare "if this was reversed and it was a man, he'd be getting ripped to shreds, yadda yadda yadda" even though the woman usually has been anyway. It's transparent and tedious. The cries of misandry would be more convincing if they weren't laced so conspicuously with misogyny.

Women get called liars and fantasists and crazy and manipulative and gold digging for disclosing domestic abuse. Men get automatically lauded as fallen heroes who couldn't possibly do any wrong, and somehow deserve even more sympathy than any woman.

When there aren't regular cases of women ending up with broken bones at their male partner's hands and then the woman still being the one accused of being abusive, or women terrified out of their minds being told they're overreacting, then I'll consider abandoning critical thought.

Physical violence is unacceptable. Woman get asked for context and details, why the fuck shouldn't men be subjected to scrutiny as well?

If he's being abused, then he'll only leave when he's ready. It takes time to process it and realise it won't change. The best thing to do is listen and be available without judgement, rather than telling him what to do.