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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Im not the bitch here am I?

52 replies

buddahbelly · 30/07/2018 11:08

so as not to drip feed: when dp and I first got together we bought a car between us and shared it. each day for nearly 6 years I would drive him to work, go to my own then on the way home would pick him up.

I absolutely hated it but had no money to afford my own. Eventually I did and around 6 yrs ago I bought my own car outright leaving him to own the one we shared. I was fine with this, just relieved I didnt have to run around after him anymore.

Last year his terminally ill father was given a mobility car and dp was the named driver, he put his own car on the drive and would use the brand new one as it was in his words "better than his" . when his dad passed away the car was taken back, His own car is still on the driveway now. where its been since this time last year. he has made no effort to get it going again instead using mine whenever he wants.

This morning we had a row as I was getting ds ready to take him out and dp wanders in asking if he was dropping us off, I said no why would you be, err because I need the car today. this is a standard argument these days and always ends in me pointing at his car on the driveway. He has returned to full time education of his own doing, so says to pay full price for a car he wont use every day is ridiculous - I get this part. But I never asked to return to sharing my car with him.

When we did we split everything equal, insurance, repairs payments diesel, everything. Ive just forked out £300 for repairs on my car and haven't seen as much as a penny. So he left this morning on his bike in a mood with me and called me a bitch. I dont mind now and again when we've discussed it so I can make other arrangements, but dont just walk in and tell me you need my car at the drop of a hat so I & ds have to suffer.

aibu to take him off the insurance - which I may add I pay for for him!

OP posts:
Aprilshowersinjuly · 30/07/2018 11:10

He has his own car.
End of chat.
Now get him off the insurance.. Today.

Porridgeprincess · 30/07/2018 11:12

Has he the money to run the other car himself? If so then he is taking the piss big time!

WooYa · 30/07/2018 11:15

Absolutely take him off the insurance! Tell him to drive the car he has. And grow up!

StormTreader · 30/07/2018 11:15

Why does he even have the car if hes now refusing to use it? Why not at least sell it if its just going to sit and rot?

Original poster
buddahbelly · 30/07/2018 11:15

He says he hasn't got the money to get the car up and running, but were talking mot, insurance downpayment and pumping up the tyres, thats all it would take.

I told him when he returned to university he would need to get a part time job to cover everything, this hasn't transpired although not to knock him he does casual bits - the trade he worked in isn't the type you can do part time, so he does get by on his work, he is trying bless him.

its so frustrating though, he also suffered from depression so I constantly flip between he's taking the piss or he's trying to get himself back to where he was.

The only reason he was put on the insurance in the first place was because it works out cheaper for me. I was also on his too so we could switch between cars, his is larger than mine which always helped with my work as I would need more space in the boot for my work stuff.

OP posts:
SugarIsAmazing · 30/07/2018 11:16

Could you not compromise on sharing your car until he's finished full time education, when I presume he'll get better employment and share the wages.

Original poster
buddahbelly · 30/07/2018 11:17

stormtreader This is exactly what ive been saying to him. Both our cars are now 10 years old. I mentioned at first we could sell them both and upgrade to a newer one.

his argument was when he comes out of uni he will need a car so I think his plan is to either sell it and save the money until then, or leave it on the path for another 2 years to rot so he has a car at the end of his degree.

he has since bought a bike to get around which he does use quite a lot, its just days like today where he needs his tools with him, he wants the car.

OP posts:
JustTheLemons · 30/07/2018 11:18

You bought that car entirely on your own specifically to avoid sharing.

He has got himself into this mess by neglecting his own car.

He is being a prick. Under no circumstances let him drive your car again.

Original poster
buddahbelly · 30/07/2018 11:19

sugar no, I did it for 5/6 years and hated it. plus now we have a ds thrown into the mix. some days I feel like all I do is drive the pair of them around and I really resent him as it is for the situation he's put us in already (no money coming in due to him retraining, everything is now on me to pay bills/provide for the house.)

I already do everything around her along with running my own business without adding chauffeur into the mix.

OP posts:
twiglet · 30/07/2018 11:19

If he won't use the car he has and says its too expensive to run then he should just sell it!
I wouldn't take him off your insurance but I would explain to him that its OK once in a blue moon to share the car with advanced warning but its not on to ask you to drop or change plans without discussing it because he wants to.
We went from 2 vehicles to one (my DH) which mostly I use during the week for work but I always check that he doesn't need it first (he walks to work) and I pay for the upkeep as well.

Lilacwine1 · 30/07/2018 11:22

Take him off the insurance. He is just taking you for granted, and taking the piss.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 30/07/2018 11:23

Surely there has to be a newer car (not brand new) that he could either get scrappage for the one that has been on your driveway for the past year for or trade in the one that has been on your driveway for the past year.
Either way, I don't see the car that you're driving at the moment OP as being part of either the scrappage or trade in scenarios mentioned above. The only other suggestion is that he does a night course in car maintenance and uses the one on the drive as a practice vehicle so that he can get it started again.

Areyoufree · 30/07/2018 11:26

I actually scrolled back up to your OP to check if you were talking about your partner or your son. That probably gives you the answer you need. Plus, if my husband called me a 'bitch', I think we would have a serious problem.

Fatted · 30/07/2018 11:27

Tell him to fuck off and get his own car sorted out!

Or start charging him taxi fare.

LanguidLobster · 30/07/2018 11:28

He needs to find part time work and get the car situation sorted

ToadOfSadness · 30/07/2018 11:37

I might be missing something but it was OK to share when you needed his car but not OK now he needs yours. I get that it is your car which you bought for your own use, but surely there is money being saved as a couple by only using one car.

Having said that, I wouldn't want to share mine either but if it made financial sense, which it may do, I would probably find a compromise.

Slartybartfast · 30/07/2018 11:40

why cant you have a conversation?

dh and i have a similar argument, we both need our cars fixing.

Original poster
buddahbelly · 30/07/2018 11:43

toad we didnt share HIS car. we both put in an equal deposit, went halves on the car payments each month. The car was in his name only, we agreed if anything were to happen to us we would sell the car and split it equally.

I get what youre suggesting but in our scenario this wasn't the case, we paid for everything equal. when I had enough I used some inheritance I was left to put down a deposit on my own car - I actually left the other one to him which I should have told him to sell and give me half. I have been more than generous I think.

hes not paying anything towards the upkeep of mine.

OP posts:
Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 30/07/2018 11:49

You seem more upset about the car than the fact he called you a bitch. That is absolutely awful. What kind of person says that to their partner?

There are obviously deeper issues at play than the car situation. You share a child so you can manage to share a car. My DP payed for our car but not once has he even suggested I’m not an equal owner. It’s not a real partnership if you don’t share.

Ultimately you don’t think he’s pulling his weight in general so you need to decide what areas he can realistically improve while studying and sit down and discuss it like adults. For me that would come with a reminder that you are not to be called a bitch ever again.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/07/2018 11:49

YANBU or a bitch - he's taking the piss because he thinks he can get away with it, the whiny mardyarse.

Tell him if he's not going to get the car on the drive in working order then it needs to be sold. Take him off the insurance for your car. He has to stop being so pathetic about this and take some fucking responsibility!

ineedwine99 · 30/07/2018 11:50

Get him off your insurance asap. You have been generous letting him keep the first car without asking for your half back, he can get that road worthy if he needs a car

Jaxhog · 30/07/2018 11:53

Presumably, chauffering him around is time taken away from your business? So he's making your business earn less as a result. I also assume that you are funding him to be a student i.e. he isn't contributing to household expenses etc. In other words, he wants the sole breadwinner to drive him around in money earning time? That really is taking the mickey!

I'd give him a choice. Either he sells his car and gives you the money to offset the loss to your business and towards his household expenses. Or he gets a part time job and his car back on the road and drives himself.

If he complains that you're a couple and should be sharing, remind him that only applies to married couples. Although I'm not sure I'd want to marry such a lazy freeloader!

Sundance65 · 30/07/2018 11:55

If the car has been sitting on your driveway and not been used for 12 months it may well be a lot more than just pumping up tyres etc.

It will almost certainly need new battery, the tyres may need replacing no matter how new there were, the oil will have all sunk to the bottom and need full draining and replacing and without use and lubrication many of the filters and seals may need replacing. The longer it is left the more it will cost to get back on the road.

You both need to sit down and have a proper conversation, cost up getting the car back on the road and make some adult decisions about how you are going to manage this situation like adults.

Removing him from your car insurance is petty and childish and will almost certainly backfire the next time you need him to pop out for something.

You are a family and should be working together to make your life work - just have an adult conversation about it

Original poster
buddahbelly · 30/07/2018 11:57

jaxhog Thankyou. I hadn't looked at it at that way - it obviously is taking time away from my business, I go to the angry emotion instantly and think why should I be driving him anywhere.

OP posts:
pumpkinpie01 · 30/07/2018 11:58

I woulldnt take him off the insurance, what if he needed the car in an emergency or he was giving you a lift somewhere for a night out? There are various situations when he could genuinely need the car. I would however insist that the one on the drive is sold, can he actually afford to get it back on the road ? MoT and insurance could still come to £500, if he can afford it then insist it gets back on the road or is sold. If he cant afford it then its bike and your car for emergencies.

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