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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Im not the bitch here am I?

52 replies

buddahbelly · 30/07/2018 11:08

so as not to drip feed: when dp and I first got together we bought a car between us and shared it. each day for nearly 6 years I would drive him to work, go to my own then on the way home would pick him up.

I absolutely hated it but had no money to afford my own. Eventually I did and around 6 yrs ago I bought my own car outright leaving him to own the one we shared. I was fine with this, just relieved I didnt have to run around after him anymore.

Last year his terminally ill father was given a mobility car and dp was the named driver, he put his own car on the drive and would use the brand new one as it was in his words "better than his" . when his dad passed away the car was taken back, His own car is still on the driveway now. where its been since this time last year. he has made no effort to get it going again instead using mine whenever he wants.

This morning we had a row as I was getting ds ready to take him out and dp wanders in asking if he was dropping us off, I said no why would you be, err because I need the car today. this is a standard argument these days and always ends in me pointing at his car on the driveway. He has returned to full time education of his own doing, so says to pay full price for a car he wont use every day is ridiculous - I get this part. But I never asked to return to sharing my car with him.

When we did we split everything equal, insurance, repairs payments diesel, everything. Ive just forked out £300 for repairs on my car and haven't seen as much as a penny. So he left this morning on his bike in a mood with me and called me a bitch. I dont mind now and again when we've discussed it so I can make other arrangements, but dont just walk in and tell me you need my car at the drop of a hat so I & ds have to suffer.

aibu to take him off the insurance - which I may add I pay for for him!

OP posts:

giggly · 30/07/2018 12:05

Sorry I couldn’t get past the it about him being the named driver for his fathers mobility car. My understanding is that the car is only to be used for the benefit of the disabled person and not as his sole use car to get to and from work. Not that it matters now but just an example of how misused the system is.

OctaviaOctober · 30/07/2018 12:07

If this degree is something that stands to benefit your future as a family, then I'd cut him some slack and let him share your car again. I understand with less money coming in you have to be careful, but then doesn't it make sense that you share one car instead of getting the second one mot'd and insured?

Tinkobell · 30/07/2018 12:08

We've a couple of DP's in our family who "chose not to drive" and instead expect their DP's to basically chauffeur them around here and there. Ridiculous behaviour in this day and age. What if you bust your leg or something. Calling you a bitch for this is outrageous. Definitely remove him from your insurance. What a tosser.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 30/07/2018 12:12

He sounds massively entitled to your unquestioning support and your stuff, given that you are not married and have separate finances - jacking in his job and going back to uni is something grown adults with children and mortgages cannot just do. Did he ask you properly if you were willing to support him financially or did he effectively just decide as a free agent and then 'expect' ?
He is bang out of order wrt the car, but you know this already.
If my partner called me a bitch because I wouldn't re arrange my life to accommodate his unreasonable demands, there'd be trouble.

Mind you don't get landed with all the costs of his retraining and then when he is qualified, he keeps what he earns snd sees it as all his. I wouldn't be inclined to cover his costs because he doesn't seem like the kind of man who will appreciate it and return the favour down the line.

TheGoldenWolfFleece · 30/07/2018 12:14

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

sulflower · 30/07/2018 12:28

I can't get past this either, bloody ridiculous and yes it does matter, it's totally taking the piss.

SpandexTutu · 30/07/2018 12:35

It is completely abused - some people we know drove round in their mum's mobility car for years. The system is an expensive joke.

Hateloggingin · 30/07/2018 12:44

He called you a bitch. A nasty misogynistic word. Is this normal? He wouldn’t be sharing my house let alone my car.

And why didn’t you discuss together him giving up work! He can’t just unilaterally decide all the bills are your responsibility now!

usernameismyusername · 30/07/2018 13:42

Gets given a car you paid half of, goes back to uni so you shoulder all the household costs, and by the sounds of it a lot the child care, and wants to monopolise your car, calls you nasty names.

he's really taking the piss.

wink1970 · 30/07/2018 14:25

Your problem isn't the car, it's his attitude to your partnership altogether.

Nobody has the right to just quit & retrain without talking through the implications, especially when there are children involved & it will create financial pressure.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 30/07/2018 14:46

I'm thinking you've got yourself a cocklodger there. Attitude to his dad's motability car is evidence of his massive piss taking qualities.
If I were you, I'd get the car on the drive fixed up and sold and take out your 50% plus whatever it costs you to get it roadworthy. Tell him to get his arse back to work because bank of budda is closing.

No man should be calling you a bitch and getting away with it. He really is taking you for granted and you have to demand some respect back.

sugarPlumFairly · 30/07/2018 14:55

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SugarIsAmazing · 30/07/2018 15:03

If you were doing a degree and expecting your partner to support you then MM would fully support you. Reverse the sexes and he's a cocklodger. Wtf?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 30/07/2018 15:09

Sugar, if a couple decide that one of them should return to uni, all well and good. But he appears to have somewhat dumped this on her and now expects a lot of support while doing jack shit to help himself. If a couple are not married, the one doing all the paying has to be careful - they are not a family in any legal sense and she can find herself paying out with no rights to any of the long term benefits of his self improvement.
He called her a bitch this morning, in case you missed it, because she wouldn't hand over her car at his demand - he just assumed he could take and use her property with no prior consultation.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 30/07/2018 15:11

And she already owns half the car that is sitting on the drive - so far she hasn't made him pay back her share. I'd say he was getting plenty of support and taking it all for granted

KatieKittens · 30/07/2018 15:31

His car isn’t usable at the moment.

Stop bringing up that he has a car when he needs to use yours- it’s not like he can just hop in his.

You are more than entitled to use your car in a way that works for you- he either needs to work around this or sort out his own.

Set some time aside to discuss it and set some ground rules for sharing your car on occasion, or expect him to make a plan for getting his own up and running.

Conflict will only escalate if you suddenly take his name of your insurance without notice.

KatieKittens · 30/07/2018 15:33

Sorry- just reread your post and that he called you a bitch- that’s out of order. You should definitely tell him that’s not acceptable.

QuaffleyGood · 30/07/2018 15:42

I'm a student (with a part time job) who shares a car with my DW. She gets it most often because she needs it for client meetings and I'm grateful when she gives me a lift instead of getting the bus. I paid more towards buying the car and she pays more towards it's upkeep. To me that's a fair way of sharing things. Your situation doesn't sound overly fair.

Also is he not on summer leave atm and therefore able to work more hours until September or do more childcare etc?

sugarPlumFairly · 30/07/2018 15:51

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IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 30/07/2018 15:51

The car could be usable, if he didn't just let it sit there rotting.

sugarPlumFairly · 30/07/2018 15:57

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IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 30/07/2018 16:00

sugarplum for a start you are married, presumably with joint finances, which puts you in an entirely different situation to the OP. Being married confers legal rights and obligations that choosing to remain unmarried and keeping finances separate does not. OP could easily spend a lot of money supporting his decision to return to uni and will no legal claim on any benefits to his increased earnings - I think unmarried people have to keep such things in mind when agreeing to cover all the finances for years.

Secondly, if you want to return to uni and want your husband to support you by having his wage all the bills, then damn right you need his 'permission' first. No adult can just assume the right to do as they please while expecting someone else to pay for it.

I note the OP meets all the costs of running her car, but this cf thibks he had more right to use it than her and calls her a bitch ehen she says that isn't on!

sugarPlumFairly · 30/07/2018 16:24

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IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 30/07/2018 17:16

He has suggested exactly that sugarplum. He assumed he could have it, expected the OP the rearrange her plans to make that happen - it didn't occur to him to ask. Then called her a bitch for refusing. I don't know how else that can be seen other than entitled and rude.

I do think you are right in that sometimes men are held in different regard - there is a thread on here about a man whose ex deliberately hid from him the fact that he has a 5 year old child and some women are still doing mental gymnastics trying to defend her. But I honestly believe on this thread he is massively taking the piss and if he was a woman and the OP was a man, I'd say the same.

The marriage thing is important because non married people take a lot of financial risks sometimes because while they might have the same level of emotional commitment to the relationship as a married person, there is no legal commitment and more often it is women than men who come unstuck in these situations. But I would say the same to a man who was in the OP's position.

FarFlungFairy · 30/07/2018 17:39

The fact he called you a bitch is a bigger issue for me than the car saga.
Who the fuck does he think he is talking to you like that?
He has no respect for you and sees you as a meal ticket to support his studies, now you’re pushing back and he throws his toys out the prawn starts name calling and being an abusive prick.
Fuck that.

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