Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want MIL at birth?

67 replies

Disneygeek30 · 30/07/2018 10:25

My mother has assumed that she will be with me whilst I give birth (first baby and first grandchild for both sets of parents) now my relationship with my mother isn’t a great one for many reasons which I won’t go into now and I just don’t want her there it’s that simple. I think she will stress me out and stress out DH too.
I really would like my MIL there though, we are very close and she’s so calming and I feel like she’s the right person for both me and hubby. It’s just very awkward, I don’t want to hurt my mums feelings even though I’m going to have to regardless of whether MIL is with me or not.
AIBU to want MIL there?

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 30/07/2018 10:28

Not at all U! Just ring MIL when things start to happen, and ring DM after the baby's arrived.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/07/2018 10:29

Tricky one. It's lovely that you have a great relationship with MIL and would like her there at the birth but by doing so would almost definitely fracture your relationship with your mum.

But at the end of the day it's your birth so you get to choose who's there and who isn't.

mavydoes · 30/07/2018 10:30

Jesus don't do it.

I had mine there at daughter's birth and she did nothing afterwards but try and boss me about saying I'm doing it wrong - near 4 yrs later shes still interfering and has caused a major family split due to her actions when calling out my "bad parenting to my mum".

You and hubby only - tell the unit no other people to get into or info.

Blackteadrinker77 · 30/07/2018 10:30

You can't have any one there that you are uncomfortable with. It won't end well.

I think your Mum is a bit cheeky thinking she will be before being asked.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/07/2018 10:33

mavydoes what a strange comment. You can't assume the OP's MIL would behave in the same way yours did. Confused

worstmotherintheworld · 30/07/2018 10:35

You need to make a choice based on who will be the most use to you emotionally/practically at the birth. Do you really need anyone apart from your husband there? You have said that your mum will stress you both out so I would definitely not have her with you. I am quite surprised that so many grandparents seem to expect to be at the birth of their grandchildren! Do what's right for you and DH.

tamsinconditions · 30/07/2018 10:35

Have both or neither, otherwise someone's feelings will be hurt.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/07/2018 10:40

Have both or neither, otherwise someone's feelings will be hurt

Neither woman has a right to be at the birth, of the woman in labour wants a particular person there with her, that's her right to ask imo.

Original poster
Disneygeek30 · 30/07/2018 10:42

MIL is certainly not an interfereing person and I can guarantee she will not behave in such a way once the baby arrives. She’s been a better mother to me in the 12 years I’ve known her than my own mum has been my entire life.
My relationship with my mum is already fractured due to her past behaviour but she’s my mum so I make an effort to see her and will be making an effort when baby arrives too.
Thanks for all your replies :)

OP posts:
incywincybitofa · 30/07/2018 10:42

You are nit unreasonable to think it would be a good idea, but reading your post i think perhaps the fallout from hurt feelings will probably taint the calming effect of your mother in law being there
Is there a reason it can't just be you and DH?

Original poster
Disneygeek30 · 30/07/2018 10:44

@Blackteadrinker77
Yes it is cheeky I agree! I could understand if we were very close and had that type of bond but we really don’t

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 30/07/2018 10:45

You can have whoever you want there.

Obviously this will further damage your relationship with your mum, but if she hasn't been great anyway, that isn't something you need to worry about.

Original poster
Disneygeek30 · 30/07/2018 10:48

@incywincybitofa
I think I’m a bit soft, I don’t like families falling out hence why I’ve tolerated my mums behaviour all these years despite wanting to walk away from her many times. I don’t think it would cause a fall out as such she’d just be hurt but then I do think she’s hurt me many times so I shouldn’t be so bothered but it’s the kind of person I am if that makes any sense.
This may sound completely silly but I just think DH needs someone there with him, he won’t cope with me being in pain and being unable to help and honestly I think he’ll freak out a bit so an extra person would be able to calm him and I know his mum is the best person for that job.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/07/2018 10:49

In theory you could have MIL there at the birth and announce the arrival to your mum once afterwards but obviously she might find out MIL was there somehow.

Don't you feel confident with just DH being there OP?

123bananas · 30/07/2018 10:50

You have whoever you want, a calm birthing partner who supports you and who you feel most comfortable with.

I had a great relationship with my MIL, she was there at dd1's birth (my own Mum was 5 hours drive away and couldn't get to us in time). She was great, very calm and experienced having been present at so many of her grandchildren's births previously.

FASH84 · 30/07/2018 10:51

my SIL had my mum at her first birth, her relationship with her mum is not good, she ended up living with other family members at sixteen, her and my mum are close and she couldn't trust her mum to be reliable. I think her mum did get upset about it but DILs choice was confirmed at the right one when her mum turned up drunk to meet the new baby

Emma765 · 30/07/2018 10:52

I'm very close to my mum and she didn't assume I'd want her with me.

The OP has said she'd like her MIL why do people keep asking her why she doesn't just want her and her husband?

Original poster
Disneygeek30 · 30/07/2018 10:53

@GreatDuckCookery that’s sort of what I was thinking to do.
I think DH will panic a bit, have talked to
Him about it and he says he’s rather my mum wasn’t there too and if I want his mum then he’d be ok with that but says it’s ultimately my decision and I can have whoever I want there because it’s me going through the labour so said if I decided to have my own mum he’d be ok with it because it what I want

OP posts:
EssentialHummus · 30/07/2018 10:53

Absolutely fine to ask MIL and tell mum that you'd rather she was there to meet baby after. Your birth, your choice, and you'd do well to make things as comfortable and relaxed as possible for yourself.

FASH84 · 30/07/2018 10:53

I'm actually glad of that, as I only want DH there when baby is born, nothing to do with my mum really I just have always been quite independent, and this way she's had the experience, DIL has asked her to be present when she has number two later in the year

Original poster
Disneygeek30 · 30/07/2018 10:54

This has been so helpful! feel like I’m actually answering my own question in the replies I’m making Smile

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/07/2018 10:55

It's your birth and you have to feel looked after during it so if that means MIL is there then so be it.

Seasawride · 30/07/2018 10:55

Mavydoes

What a wierd post. You do realise all mils are individual people don’t you who don’t all act on mass. Confused

Op have who you wish present. Call who you wish when you are labouring and do t call anyone you prefer not to know until it’s over.

I think your mum is very strange to presume she would be there anyway.

Don’t tell her you are in labour and don’t rub it in her face mil was present just invite her to see baby after the birth.

Don’t stress and don’t make it a big deal because it isn’t.

AnnUnderTheFryingPan · 30/07/2018 10:56

There’s no guarantee having your mum at the birth will heal your relationship anyway.

You have to make it the most positive experience for you that you can. Best case scenario is a relaxed, calm birth, worse case is anxiety, stress and fear. We just don’t know. If it’s the worse case scenario, who is going to get you through it?

This is the one time in your life you get to put you first without question or guilt. The only person that matters in all this is you.

SpectacularAardvark · 30/07/2018 10:57

Seems weird to me to want people standing around watching me in labour but each to their own. You do realise you'll have a midwife there don't you?
I only let DH come because it was his baby too and I couldn't exactly stop him.