Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To want MIL at birth?

67 replies

Disneygeek30 · 30/07/2018 10:25

My mother has assumed that she will be with me whilst I give birth (first baby and first grandchild for both sets of parents) now my relationship with my mother isn’t a great one for many reasons which I won’t go into now and I just don’t want her there it’s that simple. I think she will stress me out and stress out DH too.
I really would like my MIL there though, we are very close and she’s so calming and I feel like she’s the right person for both me and hubby. It’s just very awkward, I don’t want to hurt my mums feelings even though I’m going to have to regardless of whether MIL is with me or not.
AIBU to want MIL there?

OP posts:

Pengggwn · 30/07/2018 12:35

Why is the midwife being there relevant? The midwife is a HCP, not a birth partner. Jesus.

Pengggwn · 30/07/2018 12:44

Why is the midwife being there relevant? The midwife is a HCP, not a birth partner. Jesus.

Notmany · 30/07/2018 13:00

Don't have either of them as it is going to cause trouble any other way. Your DH will be able to provide you with the support you need he is just being a bit nervous but he'll be fine when the adrenaline kicks in.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/07/2018 13:01

The OP wants added support in case her DH doesn't cope or is anxious. It's not helpful saying don't have anybody else there.

fuzzywuzzy · 30/07/2018 13:04

YANBU, if you’re happy and comfortable with your MIL being at the birth ask her.

I had MIL at the birth of my baby and I think she really helped keep DP calm (his first baby), she was supportive and encouraging during the birth as well and so delighted to have been there, she got to cut the umbilical chord too (neither DP nor I wanted to do it).

blockies · 30/07/2018 13:22

Sod "causing trouble" it's your birth and you should have whoever you want there in order to feel supported and have the best possible experience.

If your DM had your best interests at heart, she should understand that you obviously will have comfort in MIL being there and your DM should fully support that. Even if deep down her feelings are hurt, she shouldn't even mention it and suck it up.

Good luck op x

LoveInTokyo · 30/07/2018 13:26

I don't think it's weird in itself to want your MIL there, but it is likely to cause a lot of hurt and friction with your mum if she finds out that MIL was there and she wasn't. I would just have your husband there and have both grandmothers visit when the baby arrives.

Cornishclio · 30/07/2018 13:35

Ultimately it is your choice who is in the delivery room with you. If you feel more comfortable with MIL than your mum then have her. Your mum will be hurt but if you are ok with that don't worry about it. FWIW I would not have either at my deliveries and I never expected to be in the room with DD when she had her two babies. Just husband for me and for her.

Bambamber · 30/07/2018 13:43

YANBU

I had my MIL with me for the birth of my daughter and I'm really glad I did. I just didn't mention it to my mum beforehand and afterwards we just said that she gave us a lift to the hospital so stayed with us. Thankfully my mum wasn't bothered anyway

Laiste · 30/07/2018 17:20

Just caught up with the last couple of posts. I think the ONE day when you're totally allowed to risk causing 'trouble' is the day you give birth.

You have who you want with you.

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 30/07/2018 17:30

You have who you want there, whether it’s Mum, mil or the NDN.

I didn’t have a midwife with me when I gave birth... not completely, i labour quite calmly so I think they thought it’d be a while. I pushed the head out and a student mw happened to be walking past so dashed in and caught DS as my second contraction pushed the rest of him out. Ex DP would never have caught him!

toomuchtooold · 30/07/2018 18:11

Have whoever you want. After the baby is born you'll have a lot less time and mental energy for managing other people's feelings, because your DC's needs will be your top priority. Use this as practice

Ifeelshit · 30/07/2018 18:14

YANBU. You can have whoever you want. My mum expected to be there, I told her under no circumstances. I'd rather give birth alone!

rinabean · 30/07/2018 18:26

It's not unreasonable for you to want this or do this but it will hurt your mum's feelings and you can't avoid it. And even if she's been a bad mother, it's still not unreasonable for her to be hurt. But that's how it is.

When you consider that the better you feel in labour the less likely you and your baby are to die, I think it helps with the priorities and the drive to people please. Maybe you could suck it up for something else that's actually a family event but this isn't and you really shouldn't do anything that will make you unhappy or feel unsafe.

I'm closer to my MIL than my mom too. You don't have to like your mother more than your MIL, especially if she hasn't actually been more likeable. You don't have to divvy yourself up either, you, your reproductive organs and your baby aren't sweeties and your mum and MIL are not children. You don't have to have or not have anyone there if it's not what you want.

MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni · 30/07/2018 19:26

Yeah, labour is really the last time you should be sucking anything up. Closely followed by the immediate pre and postpartum periods.

CoraPirbright · 30/07/2018 19:37

With giving birth and all the to-ings and fro-ings, it would be quite easy to fudge (for which read little white lie) if your MIL is there. You can always say “oh we called her at the same time but she was nearer so arrived earlier than you did” etc. It is really all down to your gut. I have a lovely relationship wth both my own mother and MIL (who is awesome) so would have been happy for them to be hovering in the corridor but I guess I am a bit of a prude so would not want anyone else other than dh being around when I was nude/legs akimbo/cervix dilated right in the room. But totally do what you want!! And the very best of luck to you!!

jpclarke · 30/07/2018 20:40

In my local hospital, you are only allowed to have 1 person with you.

Flip

1 2 3