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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want MIL at birth?

67 replies

Disneygeek30 · 30/07/2018 10:25

My mother has assumed that she will be with me whilst I give birth (first baby and first grandchild for both sets of parents) now my relationship with my mother isn’t a great one for many reasons which I won’t go into now and I just don’t want her there it’s that simple. I think she will stress me out and stress out DH too.
I really would like my MIL there though, we are very close and she’s so calming and I feel like she’s the right person for both me and hubby. It’s just very awkward, I don’t want to hurt my mums feelings even though I’m going to have to regardless of whether MIL is with me or not.
AIBU to want MIL there?

OP posts:
Seasawride · 30/07/2018 10:58

dont rub it in her face

Sorry bad choice of phrase! Grin

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 30/07/2018 11:00

You need to do whatever is going to make you most comfortable at the birth. If that is having your Mil there so you're not worrying about your husband freaking out then do it (as long as you're comfortable having her there with you as well).

Probably not a popular solution but could you just not tell your mum that Mil was there? Unless you've got friends in common and she is very likely to find out, if you're close to Mil and trust her you could ask her not to mention it?

Original poster
Disneygeek30 · 30/07/2018 11:00

@AnnUnderTheFryingPan
I think if anything my mum being there would worsen our relationship because she’s make me feel stressed and I’d likely say something in the heat of the moment that wouldn’t be very nice.
I do think MIL is the best person for me and DH too, she’s a good egg very calming and will know when to take a step away or get involved.
I’m already anxious about childbirth, my first baby and people love telling horror stories when they know your pregnant.

OP posts:
Strawberry2017 · 30/07/2018 11:02

You need to have whoever you are most comfortable with and feel safe with.
If that's your MIL then that's your choice.
Don't have someone with you just to keep the peace, it won't end well and the last thing you need it to feel additional stress when in labour. Good luck x

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/07/2018 11:03

Having read your last post I would arrange for MIL to be there, this should help easy some of your anxieties knowing that someone calm and kind will be with you

Best of luck OP, hope it all goes well for you.

Original poster
Disneygeek30 · 30/07/2018 11:04

Of course I know they’ll be a midwife present, Yes it’s my first baby but I’m not an idiot!

OP posts:
PersianCatLady · 30/07/2018 11:05

You have to do what is right For you and it doesn't matter if you hurt the feelings of others here.

In this situation, your needs and wants come before the wants of everybody else.

PersianCatLady · 30/07/2018 11:08

Whilst a midwife will be there when you actually give birth there may be some time when there isn't one there so you need people who will be there to help you and your mother doesn't sound like she will.

gnushoes · 30/07/2018 11:09

Having MIL there sounds perfect. You don't have to tell your mother, and if she didn't ask (and why would she?) you wouldn't be lying. Just omitting the truth!
You could tell her she'll be your first visitor though, and agree with MIL that she'll disappear quickly and discreetly before your M turns up. I imagine your MIL knows the score about your relationship with your Mum and would be discreet.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 30/07/2018 11:13

Could you ask your MIL to be at the hospital, rather than with you. So that if you DH needs to see her he can pop out of the room for 5 mins and she's there, but she's not actually at the birth. She'll be there for DH and he'll be there for you.

You'd then have a stronger argument for excluding your mother, and there might be less of a rift to heal afterwards.

Liz79 · 30/07/2018 11:18

Is MIL tactful enough to never mention it to your mum? You should have who you want and no one you don't. You don't have to tell your mum who was there or explain/justify it. Just don't tell her.

AnnUnderTheFryingPan · 30/07/2018 11:24

Having been through it, your mother should really step back and let it be about you - keep a lid on her feelings.

It’s a great idea to have another person there, for when DH needs to go and phone, get drinks, she will support him (and that will mean he can support you better) as well as all the reasons you mentioned how she will be good for you.

(FWIW my first birth was good. I had two friends as birthing partners - it was definitely better with three of us. DS did get a bit stuck and pushing lasted three hours but i’ve no horror stories and I’ve had four DCs). Very best of luck to you. Dont lose sight of the fact this is about you.

MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni · 30/07/2018 11:25

If your MIL and DH are the people you feel are best placed to support you through the birth, have them. YANBU.

Original poster
Disneygeek30 · 30/07/2018 11:28

@PersianCatLady
My reply about the midwife was to this comment a bit higher up which quite honestly I found quite rude....Seems weird to me to want people standing around watching me in labour but each to their own. You do realise you'll have a midwife there don't you?
I only let DH come because it was his baby too and I couldn't exactly stop him

Anyway nevermind that. I think MIL is the way to go I do appreciate everyone’s comments

OP posts:
FairiesAndChocolate · 30/07/2018 11:41

Go with your gut.
I was the same but ended up having my mum there as i was single and basically had no one else. She ruined everything and i would do it alone next time.

Your mother would be very upset if you had mil there instead. If you choose this option be prepared for it to alter the relationship with your mother.

PersianCatLady · 30/07/2018 11:46

My reply about the midwife was to this comment a bit higher up which quite honestly I found quite rude
I thought the comment was odd as there will be periods of time when there is no midwife there.

Now I can see your side of it, I agree that it was quite rude as well.

jpclarke · 30/07/2018 11:56

Why have any mothers there? Surely, dh and midwives are enough?

strawberrypenguin · 30/07/2018 11:58

If you'll feel more comfortable with NIL there then go for it! It's your birth so you get to decide who you ask to accompany you.

Pengggwn · 30/07/2018 11:58

Why do so many posters insist on criticising the OP for wanting X or Y person at her birth?

"Surely a midwife is enough" - according to whom?

Bizarre.

blinkineckmum · 30/07/2018 12:02

Just have your dh

Laiste · 30/07/2018 12:02

The best way to go about keeping the aftermath smooth is to downplay the amount of time MIL was there.

''Oh yes MIL came in mainly to calm DH down, at the end ha ha.''

Sort of thing. That's IF your DM ask or IF she needs to be told at all ... i mean the baby's not going to spill the beans Grin

LeighaJ · 30/07/2018 12:30

You could always fib to your Mum, tell her you only want your husband there and no one ever tells her your MIL was also there.

Just call her after your baby is born.

I didn't want my Mum or MIL at our daughter's birth as they are both high strung 'decalming' people. I considered a doula because I thought my husband would freak out but we couldn't afford it and he did brilliantly in the end.

LeighaJ · 30/07/2018 12:32

Someone did make a good point about the midwife being there, but it's such a gamble. We were lucky and had great midwives but I've read many horror stories of midwives from hell too.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/07/2018 12:33

Just have your dh

The OP has already explained why she doesn't want just her DH there.

Original poster
Disneygeek30 · 30/07/2018 12:34

I’m going to just clear something up.
My question was not shall i give birth with just DH present or shall I have another birth partner there too. My question was wanting peoples opinions on whether having MIL at birth was unreasonable in relation to my own mother!

OP posts: