To wish MIL would stop saying our children are spoiled?

[heatisover]

It isn’t a MIL bashing post. It would irritate me whoever said it. But honestly, AIBU to be sick of this?

The children are very young so obviously have lots of toys and games as their attention spans are nil. Every time they get a new toy out she tuts and says ‘ooh, you are spoiled, you two are spoiled.’

It does rub me up the wrong way! AIBU?

Now tooth fairy here has to cough up a fiver every fucking time a tooth pops out for the two boys.

Then more fool you!

I think "spoiling" is a silly meaningless word applied to stuff. Things that really spoil and damage kids is parental neglect and abuse and lack of love or no boundaries. Too much stuff can lead to unrealistic expectations and not appreciating what you've got and it's not good for the environment but it doesn't spoil and damage them. I'd stop giving them stuff when she's around if she's going to criticise.

My MIL sometimes makes similar comments about how many clothes DD has. In our case I think it's because DH's family was very poor growing up, so seeing a very young child with so much can be jarring. If she doesn't mean ill, I'd leave it.

My 8DD had a good clear out of her room yesterday and got rid of loads of toys etc (she is the youngest of 3 DD so has had all hand me downs) she said it has made her feel better as she has felt embarrassed when her friends cane round as she has too many toys

@heatisover same here and OMG to the poster whose MIL cried at Christmas - so did mine!! I was too flabbergasted to be angry at the time.
When you have children close in age, it tends to look like a huge amount compared to a 'normal' house where they're spaced out a bit more.
We recycle toys, donate all our nicer used ones to local refuges and hostels. So not directly to landfill. We both work hard, don't go out much so 'spoiling' the kids is what I enjoy. They know things cost money, are exceptionally grateful for gifts, don't mither round shops etc so I'm quite happy with things. They will often try and give me shrapnel from their own money boxes if I've refused an activity due to funds
My own mum referred to them as spoilt she constantly buys them stuff but she means it in a nicer way. She was mortified when I said it upset me, different words mean different things to different people I suppose.

Do people genuinely only buy toys for their kids at birthdays and Xmas? Surely kids develop and require additional things to help them learn, or simply just grow out of them.

Apparently so; on MN anyway. It's the presentation of it as better that irritates me. My children used to get hugely into something and I would sometimes buy them something related to it because by Christmas or birthday it would be over and they'd have missed out. Didn't happen that often and they were always so happy and grateful. My kids know basically what our finances are and what to expect and what not to ask for.

I used to get "poor little girl" from my dad. I felt like I was neglecting DD or something.

I hate the term spoiled when it comes to children I think it's a horrible label.

The ops children may have a lot of toys so what they're children as long as they are gracious, kind and well mannered then the amount of toys they have are irrelevant.

My dd has lots of toys mostly educational and focused around open ended imaginative play, experimentation and discovery and getting filthy in the garden (mud kitchen trampoline water table etc) she doesn't have pocket money toys on a regular basis but does on occasion empty her money box at grandma's and go to the toy shop and then indulges in tat .

My little one has her moments like most 3 year olds but on the whole she's caring, happy to share and we'll behaved

Oh we also add to her toys as and when she's ready

My aunt said, when I said I bfing until 2, "You will give him food as well though, won't you?" He was already on 3 meals a day at that point.

*said I was

What is MIL's definition of 'spoil'.

It could mean that the children are over-indulged, ungrateful, brattish.

But maybe she is using the word to mean that your children are fortunate to have many nice things.

I would ask her that she actually means.

• 'what' not that

I know a spoiled child. He's the same age as my third (20). His parents have bought him everything he asked for. His grandparents paid for his driving lessons and gave him a car for free, his parents pay the tax and insurance. He wrote off the car so the parents bought him a new one. He struggles in employment as he can't take critiscism or orders.

My daughter on the other hand had to pay for her own lessons, buy her own scooter cos she couldn't afford a car and pay her own tax and insurance.

My aunt made a rule because DD lost her first and second teeth at hers Fatted: £5 for the first tooth, £2 for the second and £1 for each subsequent tooth. I don't think she thought about the fact that I'd have to do the same for DS2, and we're poor.

We don't like having so many toys out that they lose interest/flick from one to the other. We rotate them and have about 1/4 of them out at a time.
That way, you don't have to buy new to have new toys!

Unless they support your family financially moaning about toys is unreasonable.

Well, if I can afford it my kids will have driving lessons and cars bought and paid for by me.

I’m skint at the moment though so no chance

I don't really care whether your children have a billion toys or one. I think the number of toys is a complete red-herring here.

The fact is....your MIL shouldn't be commenting on it.

I go to some friend's houses and find out that shock...horror...they aren't exactly the same as me. They do things differently.

Do I tell them every single time I see them? Of course I fucking don't, because they would be pissed off with it and wouldn't invite me back to their houses. It isn't what friends or even just polite people do to each other.

Unless your MIL thinks your toy buying is so extreme she needs to say something !! ( In which case, she should sit you down and talk to you - not bloody "tut" and mutter under her breath about it) , she should stay quiet and keep her opinions to herself.

To be honest - it isn't the number of things they have....but a child's attitude that makes them "spoiled" or "entitled"

If they are brought up to have manners, kindness and empathy, and as they grow are encouraged to develop self-discipline and learn the value of money then it doesn't matter if they have one toy or 400 when they are toddlers.

YANBU, OP

Agree that with kids their interests and needs change so much that just stuff at birthday and xmas can be restricting, especially if both are near each other.

She should know better than to make comments which are critical of her DIL's parenting. It is rude, and only going to cause resentment.

However, I do worry about the volume of toys my DS(3) has. He is always getting new ones, because people just keep giving them to him. Few of them really get played with in the long term, and he has very much picked up the expectation that he can just ask for any new toy that takes his fancy (he does not get them). He is completely normal among his peers too - they all have EVERYTHING. And I wonder how the expectations they are learning now will affect them when they get older and can't have everything they want.

My DM is always cat's bum faced when DD4 shows her a new toy (we all live in the same house) saying things like ''You have a ROOM full of toys!'' or ''WHERE will you put this one is there any room left up there?''

Is it really necessary? The little girl has been given some little figure or puzzle or whatever to bring home and is showing nanny. We keep her room nice and tidy and try to teach her to keep the bits which go with which toy together and not lost, IYSWIM. We have a bit of a rotation of what's down for her to get to easily (at the moment it's the pepper pig tower with a few bits of furniture and figures). She knows to say please and thank you and to respect her stuff and other peoples.

What's to gain with all the cat's arse face from DM i really don't actually know.

Mums often trot out stock phrases and it does get on the nerves!
If she keeps on saying it, tell her: "You say that every time and it's getting boring". She probably doesn't realise it but you can then back it up by giving her the time and place she said it. That'll shut her up. Hee hee then she'll find something else to say.

I have twins and my in laws used to make comments about the huge amount of stuff my siblings buy them. I remember one Christmas they said in front of my siblings that the number of gifts was “ridiculous” and why did there need to be 2 lots of presents I pointed out that twins are not two halves of the sane person!! I got DH to tell them to pipe down in future and that their comments were incredibly rude.

I agree with pp who say that spoiling isn't about buying stuff, it's about pandering to tantrums and bad behaviour and not encouraging good manners and consideration of others. One little lad I knew didn't have a huge amount of stuff, (mostly because he broke anything he got) but he had absolutely no consequences no matter how badly he behaved. From a young age he would throw his dinner at the wall if he didn't fancy it, and his mother would cook him something else! He has grown up to be an absolute arse not surprisingly. It's not very tactful of your mil to say your DC are spoiled anyway, even if she thinks it.