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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish MIL would stop saying our children are spoiled?

102 replies

heatisover · 30/07/2018 09:24

It isn’t a MIL bashing post. It would irritate me whoever said it. But honestly, AIBU to be sick of this?

The children are very young so obviously have lots of toys and games as their attention spans are nil. Every time they get a new toy out she tuts and says ‘ooh, you are spoiled, you two are spoiled.’

It does rub me up the wrong way! AIBU?

OP posts:
KC225 · 30/07/2018 09:55

How does your MIL know its a new toy? If she can keep tabs on every bit of plastic a preschooler grabs she must a mind to cure disease and create world peace? I would be inclined to say, 'But they've had that for ages your memory must be slipping'

Aside from my petty suggestion have you just tried saying 'Please don't sat that, its so negative when it's a tub of playdough they have had for months'

Have

Original poster
heatisover · 30/07/2018 09:55

I just say firmly no, they are not spoiled.

OP posts:
Original poster
heatisover · 30/07/2018 09:56

Books are very important here. To chew on Grin

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 30/07/2018 09:57

Books are very important here. To chew on

To be fair, DD has a great respect for books. She steals mine and tries to add them to her collection. Grin

Original poster
heatisover · 30/07/2018 09:58

A lot of is old stuff. Some is second hand but new to them.

OP posts:
MyDcAreMarvel · 30/07/2018 09:58

How often do you buy a new toy?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/07/2018 09:58

If a parent wants to buy their dc stuff every week they can, it's nothing to do with anyone.

When mine were little every week I'd buy a book or some crayons, puzzles or play doh or whatever. It was hardly a new IPad or TV for their room!

pictish · 30/07/2018 09:58

Honestly, I have seen me doing the aisles of Smyths and ToysRUs at Christmas looking for inspiration and going “nah, nah, nah” up and down the shop as I know this and that will make a dent in my finances only to end up in landfill, barely played with by my kids.

In my experience toys are expensive, poorly made and simply contribute to pollution. Sorry if that’s not a popular opinion. If my kids had enjoyed them I might have felt differently, but they weren’t arsed about them.

cholka · 30/07/2018 09:58

My PILs often make some comment about DD having so many toys, not wanting for anything etc.
DPs are the opposite and seem to think we deprive her, they're always turning up with some truck or whatever from a car boot and making suggestions of what she might like to play with.
I think it's just about your attitude to material possessions to be honest. Some people's houses are emptier than others. Some kids have more toys than others. So long as you avoid either extreme - no toys or heaps everywhere - you're probably ok.
I think kids are only spoiled if they think they can demand something and expect to get it. I don't think giving them regular stimulating objects - whether it's a wooden spoon or a dolls house or whatever - will spoil them. It helps them learn. The spoiled bit is all about the emotional dynamic with the parent/caregiver.
Maybe next time your MIL chirps up, say something like, 'this is nothing, you wouldn't believe what other kids have' or 'it's better than them getting bored and climbing the walls!'

allwrite · 30/07/2018 09:59

"Is there anything else you'd like to be judgemental about, MIL?"

troodiedoo · 30/07/2018 09:59

Yabu. They have a lot of toys. She's just pointing that out. Hardly malicious. Let it slide.

pigeondujour · 30/07/2018 10:00

We do get ‘taaaank KOO’

Awwwww Grin see!

pictish · 30/07/2018 10:00

Oh I’ve thought of another they all liked - the Duplo...which was good as I was able to pass it on when it was done with. Funnily enough none of them went on to develop a love for Lego, but they did like Duplo as tots.

Camomila · 30/07/2018 10:00

DS also prefers my books. Apart from bedtime stories he never goes near his book basket. He does like to get proper books (novels, cookery books, text books) off the shelf and pretend to read them very carefully saying 'hmm interesting' or 'hmm instructions' Grin

Singlenotsingle · 30/07/2018 10:01

My dgc have got loads of toys and I do comment sometimes that there are too many. But you shouldn't take these things personally. Life was very different when dgp were young. There wasn't as much money around, and we couldn't afford so many toys. There was no eBay or FB Sales so you couldn't buy second hand. I couldnt afford one of those Little Tykes red cars, although I would have loved to get one for D's.

rainforesttreeswinging · 30/07/2018 10:01

Be direct, 'MIL I know you don't mean to sound unkind and love the dc very much but using the word spoiled is making me feel really uncomfortable' that should be enough.

It may be very far from the truth or absolutely spot on, but she is rude and undermining to keep using the term. Nip it in the bud before she moves onto more snide comments.

81Byerley · 30/07/2018 10:01

Spoiling is when you're in the shops and your child asks for something and you say no, so they make a fuss, so you cave in and buy it. Spoiling is when you cook a meal, the child makes a fuss so you put in in the bin and cook something else.
I think your mother in law is just using the phrase how a lot of people do. In the same way that she might tell you that you are spoilt because your husband buys you flowers occasionally.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/07/2018 10:02

She's saying they are spoilt which is very different to pointing out they have a lot of toys.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 30/07/2018 10:02

My dm came out with that occasionally. Id remind her of the times my dbil used to say I was spoilt and how it made her feel. (And I'm including books, craft shite and clothes here).
My kids played with toys loads, they included them in imaginative play, but they did other stuff too. It's not a finite science.

HollyGibney · 30/07/2018 10:03

I knew this thread would bring out the superior toy minimalists. Such a bore.

My kids had stacks of toys and we all had tons of fun with them. Let it wash over you OP. I remember my Mum ringing me to Have A Talk over the amount of toys my children had because I bought him TWO 79p matchbox cars because one was a bat mobile. He was beside himself with gratitude and in no way spoilt as TWO cars was just unheard of generally, but she didn't let that stop her from fretting. I'd say "I know they've got tons of lovely stuff, they're SO lucky!"

thethoughtfox · 30/07/2018 10:06

The more toys children have the less they play with each toy. If your children have lots of toys and poor attention spans, they have too many toys. The word ' spoiled' is hurtful and inflammatory though and bound to get any parent's back up. Do you children get new toys regularly? Do they play with the toys they have?

RideOn · 30/07/2018 10:06

There weren't as many toys around when she was little, not for most people. I can see a big difference from even when I was little.

Also "spoiled" sometimes means treated, like I spoiled my MIL with a pedicure on her birthday. I didn't ruin her and she did appreciate it.

Tell her not to say it in front of the children, but I don't think she is saying you are parenting badly or damaging your children, I think she is probably feeling, lucky children, they have such a lot of toys.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 30/07/2018 10:08

Your MiL should keep quiet, but the attitude v likely dates back to a generation when most kids didn't have nearly so many. Having a lot of toys doesn't make them spoiled. What does is allowing them to be brats, letting them do/have whatever they want whenever they want it, and never saying no.

My mother used to think our dds were spoiled because of a lot of toys, and e.g. because I'd let them eat say satsumas ad lib, instead of just one. But that stemmed from my folks usually being very hard up - such things were treats and had to be rationed.

She did have the grace to admit once they were rather older that she'd been wrong to equate such things with spoiling in the brat sense, since they never had been that.

00100001 · 30/07/2018 10:09

Spoiled children are those that don't appreciate or take care of the things they have.

It wduld be easy to spoil a child buy hiring them lots of things,as they grow to expect lots of things.

I tried to get a balance. Toys mostly at birthdays and Christmas. With small "pocket money" buts every so often. Eg another car for the collection for working hard etc.

I can't stand having mountainside toys everywhere. My BILs kids have enough toys to kit out a nursery (or two!) drives me bananas. They have an upstairs AND a downstairs playroom! (And their bedrooms are crammed)
It's like walking into toys r us!

Mumminmum · 30/07/2018 10:11

My brother married into a family where they spend on average £50 on a present for a child. In our family it is more like £20. Add to this that he married into a large family. We had to stop spending Christmas with him and his family as his children each got 30 large presents and my children each got 6-8 mostly smaller presents and I didn't want my children to feel bad about their very good and nice presents. Now that they are all older my children still show gratitude over presents worth £20 whereas my brothers children find that presents that cost less than £60 are kind of ... meh, whatever.

As my brother and I agreed that we give presents worth £20 to each others children all presents we give to his children are more or less met with the attitude "Why did you even waste my time giving me this?". They don't say it, of course, but their body language and facial expression say it very, very clearly. And then my DB was surprised when I said that we only wanted to give his children presents until they were 15 years old and he should do the same with mine.