Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish MIL would stop saying our children are spoiled?

102 replies

heatisover · 30/07/2018 09:24

It isn’t a MIL bashing post. It would irritate me whoever said it. But honestly, AIBU to be sick of this?

The children are very young so obviously have lots of toys and games as their attention spans are nil. Every time they get a new toy out she tuts and says ‘ooh, you are spoiled, you two are spoiled.’

It does rub me up the wrong way! AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
heatisover · 30/07/2018 10:13

They don’t actually get new toys all that often, but we have two very close in age so the youngest is discovering all the toys her sister loved at that age.

Most of it is “educational”. Apparently Grin

OP posts:
NonaGrey · 30/07/2018 10:13

“Spoiled” doesn’t come about from having lots of toys imo.

“Spoiled” children are those who don’t appreciate what they have, are ungrateful, bad mannered, who are raised to think they are the centre of the universe and don’t understand that word “no”.

Spoiled children come about through poor parenting not what they are bought.

Say clearly to your MIL “please stop saying the children are spoiled. It is offensive and hurtful. Don’t do it again”

ApolloandDaphne · 30/07/2018 10:13

Spoiled doesn't have to be a negative , it can mean you are lucky to have all that you do. I like to spoil my (now grown up) DDs from time to time. I spoiled DD2 recently by taking her shopping, going for lunch then going to the cinema.

Original poster
heatisover · 30/07/2018 10:14

Well yes, but I don’t think that’s how it’s meant!

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 30/07/2018 10:15

So try saying to her 'Why do you say that, MIL?'

Original poster
heatisover · 30/07/2018 10:16

Yeah, I could, but I’d get a load of ‘what, what, I didn’t mean anything, what?’ and it would cause a row and I haven’t got the emotional energy for a big boring family drama.

They have older cousins and are judged beside them. It gets a bit wearing.

OP posts:
mydietstartsmonday · 30/07/2018 10:17

Just say, arrr just want to give them the childhood that DP never had, carefree, relaxed with lots of toys to stimulate them & smile ...that should shut her up! or cause WW3.

Pengggwn · 30/07/2018 10:18

Some people do say it affectionately, OP, rather than to be critical. Are you sure she is being critical?

Jakadaal · 30/07/2018 10:20

My DM says the same and my answer is 'they have more than others and also less than others'. We waited a long time for our dc (adopters) so if I want to 'spoil' them then I will.

montenuit · 30/07/2018 10:20

Maybe they are getting a lot of stuff at birthdays/Christmas and are a bit overwhelmed with it? Sometimes less is more. Maybe that's what your MIL is trying to say - that they can't make the most of what they have as more just keeps coming.

I'd try rotating their toys, put some away. Keep some presents back for a rainy afternoon rather than the "pile of presents" which some people seem to think is essential.

From your point "they have a short attention span" i think that is probably what she is clumsily getting at.

OnNaturesCourse · 30/07/2018 10:22

Just posted a similar post.

This would rub me up the wrong way to. You can spoil a child and still raise a lovely person - spoiling them isnt always a bad thing if they are brought up to appricate it.

Your children, your rules.

My LO has a fair amount of toys but most are second hand or free from online websites... As like you say the attention span of young children is zero and they can't exactly tell you what they like.

Onecutefox · 30/07/2018 10:24

It's older generation. I had a few toys when I was child but my children have many. My mum would think we are spoiling them.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 30/07/2018 10:24

It doesn't matter how much stuff the OP gives her children or whether other posters would buy more/less - they are her children and she gets to decide what she wants to buy for them. It's rude of mil to constantly criticise, just because she might do things differently. I wouldn't want my kids to hear negative messages when all they are doing is playing!

worstmotherintheworld · 30/07/2018 10:24

I would be annoyed as she is giving your DCs a label "being spoilt" which is something that is out of their control and could make them feel as if they have done something wrong. If she has to make a comment she should talk to you about her opinions. She's saying it to them but I think it's really meant for your ears!

Onecutefox · 30/07/2018 10:26

By few, I mean like I could count them using fingers on one hand. It's very typical for the older generation. I just ignore it.

Original poster
heatisover · 30/07/2018 10:27

They’ve has a grand total of five birthdays and christmases between them. Not really massive opportunities for spoiling.

I’m not trying to sound like an arse (promise) but toddlers and babies having things to play with is a good thing, isn’t it?!

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 30/07/2018 10:27

You’re not unreasonable to wish she would stop, but it would be more reasonable to speak to her about it. Ask her directly what she means when she says it next. She may mean they are spoilt with attention- so dont amuse themselves or stick to any one thing for any time. A child who can amuse themselves is a blessing indeed and it is a skill
Many don’t master due to someone always providing something new rather than passing the responsibility onto the child to discover what to do next. But given you say your children aren’t even talking yet they may be too young I guess for that skill.
Don’t be defensive but just ask and then have the humility to consider the answer.

Bumpitybumper · 30/07/2018 10:29

Some children play with toys and some don't. It stands to reason that if you have a child of the toy playing variety that you will buy them more toys. I don't think that necessarily makes them "spoilt" as a child that has less toys may have more money spent on activities or have more attention from their parents to keep them entertained or whatever else might float their boat. I think that there is a certain amount of snobbery about children having lots of toys but if the toys are played with, looked after and enjoyed then I really struggle to see the problem. Intangible things such as holidays, experiences, trips to the local farm etc usually cost money and are also usually all about entertaining your DC and making then happy, so why are toys considered automatically inferior when ultimately they can do the same thing?

PomegranateBun · 30/07/2018 10:30

I can imagine a scenario where I might say "Oh, you two are spoiled" in the same way as some pps have pointed out, like when someone buys me flowers or chocolates and I'd say 'You're spoiling me'

It totally depends how it's said. With affection and a smile - or like a rebuke. I bet it's with affection cos she's their gran and she loves them.

Beamur · 30/07/2018 10:30

Agree with Nonagrey spoiled is an attitude.
With your MIL OP, have a vent here, it sounds like you know you can't say the right thing in this situation.
The only comparable situation I had was my elderly Granny aghast I was still bf my DD beyond the age she considered acceptable. She said something like "you're not STILL bf are you' (enormous toddler on my lap being fed) 'Yes, I am' I replied and smiled. No further comments were made.
Don't explain or apologise. Then change the subject.

TheFairyCaravan · 30/07/2018 10:31

When ours were little they’d get a Matchbox car or a cheap book instead of a packet of sweets. Both MIL and my mum always had something to say but had a packet of fruit pastilles been shoved in their hands that would have been fine and dandy.

Christmas and birthdays are great when you’ve got toddlers you can get piles of toys for not a lot, once they hit their teens it’s not a lot of presents for piles of cash.

PomegranateBun · 30/07/2018 10:31

Oh dear. Crossposted with lots of similar posts.

Fatted · 30/07/2018 10:35

Tell her to piss off.

If anything it's the GP who spoil my kids. MIL gave DS1 a fiver when his first tooth fell out. Now tooth fairy here has to cough up a fiver every fucking time a tooth pops out for the two boys. Angry

supercalifragilistic2 · 30/07/2018 10:36

Do people genuinely only buy toys for their kids at birthdays and Xmas? Surely kids develop and require additional things to help them learn, or simply just grow out of them.

I buy ds something every so often, it's not always expensive, sometimes it's a couple of new books, or some new cars which he bloody loves. He does tend to play with the majority of his toys, and we tend to buy stuff we know he'll love. Either something he's played with at playgroup, or at the childminders.

We do have to thin the collection every so often, but this is mainly because he's grown out of toys. Now he's 2 he's not interested in the same things he was when he was a year old. I do tend to give them to charity. I also try and buy toys that have a 'shelf life', so either a toy that will grow with him or stuff that won't break in 5 minutes looks at stupidly expensive plastic toy he broke in the car park of the shop it was bought in Angry

nokidshere · 30/07/2018 10:37

Just because a child has lots of things does not mean they are spoiled.

Spoiled means that a child demands things, expects them, and gets given them every time or throws tantrums etc if someone says no to them.

My children had huge amounts of toys at their disposal because I childminded while they were young. They have never demanded anything, expected it, or behaved badly if they don't get it. Therefore they are not spoiled.