To think, 'who the fuck leaves a three month old alone in a car'?

[Stellenbosch]

What the ACTUAL fuck is wrong with people?

Shopper 'saves life of baby who was left in Asda carpark in heatwave'
dailym.ai/2OmfD3j

But this child wasn’t forgotten, as it seems she tootled out in her own sweet time when the security guards called her? She didn’t rush out in a blind panic, terrified of what she’d find.

Stop making excuses for the mother. There is no excuse. The child would have died had it not been for the actions of others. If someone had put your child's life in danger, would you be forgiving? Thought not.

I accidentally left my 10 day old baby in the car once. I’d had a rough pregnancy, my Dh was working away, my teen Dd was mixed up in all sorts, I was single parenting 5 dc plus the newborn. I’d had a traumatic birth.

I went in to Sainsbury’s for milk. Just milk. I was gone for the length of time it took me to locate milk and pay at customer services as there wasn’t a queue. Maybe ten minutes max.

I got back in my car, looked in the rear view mirror to pull away and genuinely got the shock of my life at seeing the car seat with my sleeping dd in it. It took my breath away. I leapt out of the car and yanked poor Dd out of her seat to check she was breathing then sat there holding her in total shock for a good few minutes until I composed myself. It’s making me tearful even thinking about it and she’s 7 now. It was April, not hit but not cold.

I went home and called my Dh, told him we couldn’t live like this anymore and we had to change things. We ended up relocating.

It was terrifying seeing her car seat when I looked in the mirror.

I remember going to work one day, and I used to drop ds1 off at his dad's on the way. One morning I'm merrily on my way and suddenly a voice piped up from the back seat 'mummy you've forgotten to take me to dads'. Totally on autopilot, thinking about other things and I'd forgotten he was in the car.

Obviously he was about 5, so not a baby, but I've often wondered what if he was little and asleep. Would I have gone to work and left him? Makes me feel sick the thought of it.

Yes, people mentioning US stats on car death, I think almost all of those, tragically, are people going to work, forgetting to drop sleeping baby at daycare (sometimes it's so routine, they think they've done it when they haven't) and then child is in a giant office carpark, with no passersby, all day, so they die.

Obviously, leaving a small baby in car as the woman in the original story did is awful, but we have no idea why it happened, and should reserve judgement. For all we know, it's PND, or with the heat and a small baby the mum had barely slept for weeks and was in a total funk. I absolutely don't think the child should be taken away on the basis of this, unless investigation suggests an actual problem.

I do get annoyed at people tutting at people leaving kids in cars for a few minutes when they go into a shop to pick up one or two things - it's likely to be safer than dragging them through a carpark, especially if you have more than one and/or one of them is sleepy or in a bad mood, or a bolter. AFAIK, no child has died in a car because a parent popped into a shop for one thing and then forgotten they were there and decided to go on an extended shopping trip.

I love all these perfect mums who've never made a mistake and are shocked, SHOCKED by anyone who'd leave their baby alone for 5 minutes.

50 mins in heatwave temps is wrong and stupid. But without any other information, that's all it is. We can't assume neglect or malicious intent or any of the other words we use to beat women down into their place when they have children. Life's difficult enough without us slapping each other down - particularly when the media is happy enough to do it for us.

I dropped my DD off at nursery when she was about 4 months old and managed to do the whole thing on auto pilot and completely forgot I'd done it. Had a massive panic attack 5 minutes later when I realised she wasn't in the car. Also did it the other way round. One day, I forgot to drop her off at nursery - for some reason had it in my head that DH was taking her in that day. Parked at work, walked into the office, sat down and turned the PC on feeling very relaxed. 5 minutes later, I suddenly realised what I'd done and sprinted back out to the car park to see her peacefully asleep in the back seat.

Was it stupid? Yes. Was it neglectful? Well... depends on your definition. It certainly wasn't good parenting but all my friends/colleagues/acquaintances have stories like this. A lapse in concentration is a mistake but it doesn't mean you're a bad parent or a bad person. Context is the difference between her being a bad parent or having a stupid moment that could've ended tragically but, luckily, didn't.

Don’t do the “perfect parent” thing
There are no posters on this thread claiming to be any such thing.
There never are.

Was it stupid? Yes. Was it neglectful? Well... depends on your definition.

^She left her baby in a locked car in a heatwave. She didn’t even respond to tannoy announcements and merrily came back to her car after 50 minutes. Of course it was neglectful!

It all very much depends on the circumstances, doesn't it? This woman appears to have left her baby in the car on purpose to go shopping. Not responding to the announcement in the shop, no shock when she returned... Seems she obviously didn't think she had done anything wrong. Which would be neglectful in most people's books.

However the stories of people forgetting about babies in cars are just heart breaking. The ones that are completely accidental. I very much used to be someone that didn't understand how you could possibly forget about your baby, but the Fatal Distraction article really opened up my mind. I can't imagine the guilt that these people must carry with them for the rest of their lives.

For everyone distressed by the Fatal distraction article - when I lived in a California I read a tip that said if you have your baby in the car, always store your handbag in the footwell below the baby seat (not on the passenger seat, or in the boot).

You are much more likely to routinely check if you have your wallet and phone before leaving the car, and even if you forget them, you’re likely to realise quickly. Just the habit of going to the back seat makes it less likely your brain will play an awful trick on you.

Just to clarify, I had horrendous PND and anxiety with both my DDs. It can make you absent minded and distracted but it's a huge push to say that it would cause you to leave your 3 month old alone in a car on a very hot day DELIBERATELY. Which is what she did if she heard the tannoy announcement and completely ignored it. And then wasn't bothered when she got to the car. 1 in 10 women suffer from PND but it is much more likely they would harm themselves than their children.

@greendale17

^She left her baby in a locked car in a heatwave. She didn’t even respond to tannoy announcements and merrily came back to her car after 50 minutes. Of course it was neglectful!

I was talking about myself, not her.

Yeah, 50 mins seems ridiculous but, having had those weird brain farts that lead you to do something ridiculously stupid that make you wake up in the middle of the night, years later, and think "oh my god, I was so lucky something horrific didn't happen" - I just think it's better to reserve judgement. Like I said, once we get pregnant and then have kids, our lives aren't our own. We're constantly prodded, criticised and judged because our bodies aren't our own and the way we bring our children up is scrutinised and, almost always, found lacking.

Maybe she did something incredibly stupid and has spent the time since beating herself up because her child could've died. Maybe she didn't care and hasn't thought about it since. No-one here actually knows what it was - it's all conjecture.

@iamagreyhoundhearmeroar

Don’t do the “perfect parent” thing hmm
There are no posters on this thread claiming to be any such thing.
There never are.

Dude, come on. Every one of these threads has someone on it saying something along the lines of "oh, I'd never dream of leaving my child alone for 5 seconds because I'm THAT conscientious"

or

"I'd never feed my child anything other than home grown or locally sourced organic produce that I cooked and mashed that day myself"

or

"I only use environmentally friendly reusable nappies and they never cause nappy rash because I literally check my child every 5 minutes because I'm that good a mum"

Competing like this and finding stories about people we consider bottom-feeders and fair game to be judged is destructive. AIBU is fun and being judgy is fun but when it becomes a rod to beat other people with and causes anxiety for anyone who's made a mistakes - well, it's kind of a dick move. When I had a young baby, seeing comments like these would've crushed me - that's all.

I've just read about Cooper Harris and I've had to stop, it's utterly heartbreaking what is bastard of a father did to him and how he suffered before he died. I'm trying to hold back tears as I'm at work, that poor poor boy

I've just read the fatal distraction article. Those poor parents. God, the one who kept turning off the motion sensor in his car because he couldn't see anyone around it. How would you ever live with yourself? I can't read about Cooper Harris. I just can't.

I read about Cooper Harris a long time ago, following a link on here. It was one of the most distressing, upsetting and sickening things I’ve ever read. I think about that poor little boy so often.

I would recommend not googling the story. I wish I hadn’t.

Perhaps she was driving an unfamiliar car, and hence when the tannoy announcement came on, she didn't realise that it was hers. Or she just assumed it was one of those staff member ones and didn't listen to the content. If you were having a total mind blank to realise that you'd left your baby somewhere, you're not really listening out for tannoy announcements.

We don't know what was going through her head or in what state she might have been - it's good that authorities are involved and can help the family. Thank goodness that the baby is alright in this instance.

I've just read about Cooper Harris and I've had to stop, it's utterly heartbreaking what is bastard of a father did to him and how he suffered before he died.

^The mother had googled children dying in hot cars before the incident. Seems that it was their plan all along. I don’t understand why she hasn’t been charged.

Was it stupid? Yes. Was it neglectful? Well... depends on your definition.

^^

Seriously?

Surely there’s a common baseline for stupid and neglectful?
We don’t all get to define it for ourselves. Thankfully, because some of us clearly lack the capacity to do so.

I have left my primary school age children for short periods in the car. When I've needed to pop into a shop for something. Not in this heat obviously. I really don't see that makes me a terrible parent. What exactly is likely to happen?

I read an article about a recent US incident where the mother had left her baby in the car by accident . The description of her going mad, tearing out her hair, begging to be allowed to commit suicide shook me to the core. The poor woman, I don't know if you could ever get over that.

Not dealt with a baby but sooooo many dogs in hot cars. Everyone always says they were only planning to be five minutes. It never ever is. I've told people to sit in the car themselves and see how they feel, I'll leave the window open a crack...

Maybe because of dealing with those, I can genuinely say I have never left DS in a car by himself - or maybe in part due to slight worry he will break out of chair and let handbrake off/hot wire it and go joy riding. It is possible with him.

Hopefully she and/or the baby will get the help they need.

@intherosegarden

I seriously wish I hadn't read it, I've been reading about him on and off throughout the afternoon and I've worked myself up into a bit of a state imagining what he went through. Some of the stories on the internet of what he went through and description of how he had claw marks on his face and injuries to his head where he had tried to get out of the seat, I'm heartbroken for him. There is footage of his dad taking him for breakfast right before he left him in the car, he looks so small and innocent, then knowing what he was going to go through. I need to stop reading about it now.

@delphguelph

Was it stupid? Yes. Was it neglectful? Well... depends on your definition.

Seriously?

Yes, seriously. It was stupid and it was dangerous - not disputing that. But neglectful is a loaded term that carries a bunch of implications including "not caring". We don't know if she was "neglectful", we just know she did something stupid.

@Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar

Surely there’s a common baseline for stupid and neglectful?
We don’t all get to define it for ourselves. Thankfully, because some of us clearly lack the capacity to do so.

...and there's the ad hominem. Sigh. That's kind of my point, really - I don't have the authority to define neglect. Mostly because I don't know anything about the situation except for the hyperbole on the Daily Mail's website. If you want to take that as an accurate breakdown of the events and not some clickbait histrionic piece designed to get people sharing it on facebook, then I admire your confidence.

All I'm saying is that I've made a few stupid mistakes myself along the way. Mistakes that could've had awful consequences but luckily they didn't. I idolised my DD from the moment she was born and fussed over her to a ridiculous extent - they didn't happen because I was neglectful or didn't care - they happened because I momentarily fucked up. It's Hanlon's razor: "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity"

@WakeUpFromYourDreamAndScream

I would do anything to be able to go back in time and save him.

The some of us part of my post wasn’t actually aimed at you, Dead.