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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband thinks he doesn’t have to help at home because he earns more than me

60 replies

StarfishM · 29/07/2018 21:33

Hello, I’ve never posted on Mumsnet before but am just so furious at my husband. He keeps making comments like ‘you go and work full time then’ whenever I ask him to help me with things. This morning when I suggested he volunteer at the wknd to help with one of the kid’s sports clubs (they were asking for help with a tidy up) he looked at me shrugged, looked around and said ‘I work full time to pay for all this?’ I was furious. I worked SO hard for years to help pay for our home, I was made redundant and the money helped pay for our home, I work part time and do everything to look after our two kids and home but earn a fraction of what he does, I’m so fed up of him suggesting that the only thing that has value or matters is the money he makes by working full time - which I also did for my entire career until I was forced out when our second child was born. I am so angry I can barely look at him and he says he has nothing to apologise for. I’ve tried to say why i think is attitude is upsetting but he just tells me - right then let’s swop, you work and i’ll take care of the kids - completely ignoring the fact I actually already do both!

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 29/07/2018 21:35

Go away for the weekend and make him do it

zzzzz · 29/07/2018 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pengggwn · 29/07/2018 21:37

I'm sorry to say it, but I think that's how a man talks when he has checked out of the relationship. He sounds like he has no respect for you, doesn't care if he hurts you and just wants you to go back to work so he can cut back.

I would be thinking about leaving my DH if he spoke to me like that, regardless of any discussions about who did what.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/07/2018 21:38

How much would he have to pay you in child support and how much of your house would you get if you split? He’d have to work, pay towards the DC AND clean up after himself.

The sort of behaviour he’s displaying is disgusting. You’ll lose all respect for him and happiness and harmony can’t survive contempt.

StarfishM · 29/07/2018 21:38

Smile I love this idea, thanks!

OP posts:
TooMinty · 29/07/2018 21:38

Either stop doing anything for him or work out how much it would cost for him to pay companies to do everything you do (child care, cleaning, laundry, cooking, admin etc) and hand him a bill. You enable him to work full time. If you went full time yourself I bet you'd still end up doing everything else too...

Ivorbig1 · 29/07/2018 21:39

I feel for this sexist shit for years but now adopt the following:-
You do work full time, in two jobs, one at home and one outside of the home.
If he wishes you to do all domestically related tasks then you give up work, he still helps at weekends though. Presumably he works 5 days, why should you work 7??
Imo He is being a dick but it takes time to shift the attitude he is showing you.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 29/07/2018 21:39

Honestly if my husband spoke to me like that our marriage would be over.

He doesn't respect you at all.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/07/2018 21:40

I don't think there's a single kids sports club where the fees completely cover the work involved.
We all have to muck in, that's how they work.

Ivorbig1 · 29/07/2018 21:40

Fell not feel

NorthernSpirit · 29/07/2018 21:41

God, is he living in the 1950’s were the man provides and the little woman stays at home?

I hope you don’t have a daughter who views his sexist behaviour.

I (a women) and my OH work FT. I earn significantly more than my OH (who also works FT) and we do things 50:50. Because we’re a partnership.

Not sure how you can change such ingrained behaviour (am presuming his mother did everything for him)? Stop doing it and let him get on with it.

RhinoGirl · 29/07/2018 21:42

My husband used to say along things along the same lines, when he earned more than I did. Now I earn more than him, he’s still a lazy shite but i’ve stopped putting up with it. You need to tell him raising children isn’t about who earns what, it’s about being equal and sharing the load!

StarfishM · 29/07/2018 21:42

Thank you!! I feel so much better reading your messages. I also think he is being a total dick.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/07/2018 21:46

If my husband EVER said that to me our marriage would be over. Basically, you are nothing more than the hired help in his eyes.

McPeppaMcYumPig · 29/07/2018 21:47

I would seriously consider leaving him over this. It shows complete lack of respect and entitlement...I don't even think I'd be able to look at him or calm down. What an arsehole. You do everything anyway so surely wouldn't make any difference if he wasn't around.

BigPinkBall · 29/07/2018 21:47

Honestly if my DH spoke to me like that I’d laugh in his face, but this is one of the reasons I’m glad we’re equals in our relationship, I do worry about women who give up their earning potential or whose husbands earn significantly more than them because it does seem to put the relationship on an unequal footing.

PickAChew · 29/07/2018 21:48

He'd have to do his own laundry and clean up his own crap if he was single.

MattBerrysHair · 29/07/2018 21:49

I agree with handing him an invoice for your services. Remember to include double time for evenings and weekends. If he is unhappy with working full-time (he sounds quite bitter about it) then he should do something to bloody change it! How dare he take his misery out on you. My exh and my current dp both work full time. They both have the attitude that if both parents are in the house then domestic chores and childcare are split 50/50. I have been a sahm and worked part time since my dc were born and it never changed exh and dp's expectations of homelife.

Mamapuddlefluff · 29/07/2018 21:51

I get this from my oh...im a sahm and he works but never lets me forget it. As far as hes concerned he works and puts money into the household so when he's at home its to rest and my 'work' is to keep house and care for our 3 children. I don't know how i let myself fall into this situation. He wasn't always like this. It's not proving easy to change either.

FarFlungFairy · 29/07/2018 21:53

No your husband thinks he doesn’t have to do anything because he has a penis and you only have a vagina.
Even if you earned mega bucks he’d view it all as women’s work. Hes far too important and superior to do anything deemed only fit for us ones with the fannies and irrational emotions don’t you know.

IceCreamFace · 29/07/2018 21:56

I have to agree with PP he sounds like he has zero respect for you. In my relationship we've both had times of working full time and looking after the kids full time. Whichever of us was doing the full time work certainly did less at home than the other but would never dream of talking to our partner like you describe.

CuriousMama · 29/07/2018 22:04

How awful to be treated like that. You must feel torn about what to do?

haribosmarties · 29/07/2018 22:10

what an absolute bellend!!

Gin Cake Flowers

YodelOdel · 29/07/2018 22:11

I have been a SAHM for over a decade, Dh has never once said anything like this to me. He has made lunch for us all and dinner today. Without being asked, because he likes looking after us.

Yes obviously I do everything in the week because both children are in secondary school, but he knows he could not do any of this without me.

In your shoes I would propose, for fun, increasing your hours to full time, therefore he will need to accommodate picking up and dropping off the children. Also agree the 50% time off for when the children are ill.

Dh earned 3 times what I did when I worked full time before children, I was never expected to do more housework because of that. Your Dh is a dick.

Finnyhaddock · 29/07/2018 22:12

Misogynist. If he’s otherwise ok (??) I would make a mock invoice. If he’s otherwise a dick I think it shows his ego and contempt for you.

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