Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Husband thinks he doesn’t have to help at home because he earns more than me

60 replies

StarfishM · 29/07/2018 21:33

Hello, I’ve never posted on Mumsnet before but am just so furious at my husband. He keeps making comments like ‘you go and work full time then’ whenever I ask him to help me with things. This morning when I suggested he volunteer at the wknd to help with one of the kid’s sports clubs (they were asking for help with a tidy up) he looked at me shrugged, looked around and said ‘I work full time to pay for all this?’ I was furious. I worked SO hard for years to help pay for our home, I was made redundant and the money helped pay for our home, I work part time and do everything to look after our two kids and home but earn a fraction of what he does, I’m so fed up of him suggesting that the only thing that has value or matters is the money he makes by working full time - which I also did for my entire career until I was forced out when our second child was born. I am so angry I can barely look at him and he says he has nothing to apologise for. I’ve tried to say why i think is attitude is upsetting but he just tells me - right then let’s swop, you work and i’ll take care of the kids - completely ignoring the fact I actually already do both!

OP posts:

abitoflight · 29/07/2018 22:14

Marriage is a partnership
Helping at children's stuff at weekend is part of that and child raising a team effort not just up to you
When I worked half time and DH full time, when he came home, he would do baths for DC so I could do dinner, washing, bit of cleaning etc so we could slump on sofa together later
He earns more than quadruple than I do now but never spoken to me like that

Figgygal · 29/07/2018 22:14

Is he normally such a prick?
I'd be expecting a massive grovelling apology for that

lightonthewater · 29/07/2018 22:14

i'm with those who say this is just disrespectful and totally out of order. He needs a serious wake up call.

mangowango · 29/07/2018 22:16

I'm fuming for you OP. I would consider this the end of my relationship if my OH spoke to me like that.

tolerable · 29/07/2018 22:17

tantrum.properly. or..indeed,abandon him n kids for a night\day

InionEile · 29/07/2018 22:19

Take him up on his offer to swap. Let him put his money where his mouth is. I'd bet he wouldn't last a week.

It sounds like he is resentful about being the main breadwinner but presumably you didn't have children accidentally. He must have known that having a family entails supporting them in ways that go beyond merely paying the bills. It's just part of family life to volunteer with sports teams or take kids to lessons or whatever else is required.

Could you go back full-time and if you did, would your earnings be close to his? Or does he earn a lot more than you ever could? If he earns a lot more then it is really unfair for him to rub your nose in it like that. What does he expect you to do about it? You can't earn more than him and if you go back full-time, your life would be a mess of trying to do all the household things and parenting on your own. That puts you in an impossible position.

You should talk to him and make him see your point of view. He's putting you in an impossible position where you are screwed no matter whether you work part-time or full-time.

OhTheRoses · 29/07/2018 22:20

DH used to earn 10 times my salary. En-route to that I was at home for 7 years. DH is a workaholic. I did all children, all house, all family stuff even when I went to work again. DH never got involved but he paid for help. He was always crystal clear that I facilitated his success.

Your DH is being a prize pig.

mumonashoestring · 29/07/2018 22:22

Complete twat, tell him you've been giving it some thought and you're going back to full time. Of course this means he'll have to do 50% of the school runs, laundry, shopping, cooking etc and watch him panic. After all, if you leave him because he's an enormous arsebag then that'll be pretty much the situation for him anyway.

Either that or work out market rate for a nanny, cleaner, chef, driver, personal shopper and bill him for the lot. Then tell him you want a pension and paid leave. Honestly though, by far the simplest solution will probably be to calmly tell him not to be such a prick. Repeatedly.

ArcheryAnnie · 29/07/2018 22:23

He's being an absolute disrespectful wanker, and not only is he being a shit to you, he's also providing an absolutely terrible example to your children. He's modelling what a shit partner and father is.

And it isn't even a question of him "helping" - if he does ever lift a finger, he's not "helping" you, he's fulfilling his responsibilities as a grown-up and a father. Except he currently isn't.

InionEile · 29/07/2018 22:25

Also, make it clear to him that when he does things like volunteering with a sports team or any other parent-work, he is doing it for the kids. If he cares about them, he should be involved in their lives. It's not about helping you out. It's being a parent. If he doesn't want to be a parent, maybe he needs to move out and live on his own?

Racecardriver · 29/07/2018 22:28

Well then stop. Get a full time job and let him sort out the children.

Nannyplumshairstyle · 29/07/2018 22:30

I can't even read your OP because your thread title made me piss steam!
He should be so called "helping" or you should be so called getting the fuck out.

Chadders4 · 29/07/2018 22:31

I feel for you... I get this and don't ever know what to do. I only work 1 night(started off with 3) but just get well get another job if your tired! Im up from Friday morning until Saturday night! I can't I raise 3 children basically on my own in the week.

Hope it gets better x

Original poster

StarfishM · 29/07/2018 22:33

If I went full time the max I could earn would be about half what he earns - assuming I could find a full time job - we’re in quite different industries and his pays a lot better. But if I added up everything I do and costed it for paid help he definitely couldn’t afford me ;) I’m going to make this clear and tell him to stop being such an idiot or I’m off!! I think he’s being massively disrespectful and am just totally unimpressed.

OP posts:

Queenofthedrivensnow · 29/07/2018 22:37

Ohhhh this is so familiar. My exh was like this. He even started a thread about it wonder if anyone remembers it happily divorced 6 years....

Original poster

StarfishM · 29/07/2018 22:38

Also - thank you all! Your posts have made me smile and I feel a lot better. So glad there are communities of women out there for each other and being supportive when it’s hard to ask people close to you what they think - thank you! He is otherwise ok and we usually have a lot of fun together, he’s just being a total idiot on this!!!

OP posts:

notthisagain83 · 29/07/2018 22:40

I got this off my DDs dad when we were together... even though we both worked FT because he earned 4x what i did his job was more important and therefore weekends to drink beer and play golf were his... finally left him after coming back 10 day holiday were he played golf for 7 full days (only 3 agreed prior to holiday) and on the last day when our DD wanted someone in the pool with her and i asked him to do it he had the cheek to say he needed a rest and he paid for the holiday so deserved it... I moved out 3 months later and never looked back... he hates given me maintenance!

notdaddycool · 29/07/2018 22:42

He’s a twat, from a dad.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 29/07/2018 22:42

‘I work full time to pay for all this?’

No, you entitled, hateful, arrogant, disrespectful, stupid prick (your husband, not you!), you HAD A FAMILY and labour is now divided. You don't 'pay for this' because your family isn't a fucking commodity that you control.

What is with these horrible men? If the relationship is nothing to him but paying money to avoid family life, then you're all better off if he fucks off and just pays child maintenance. Money is the only thing he contributes so you're no worse off, and then he can live his life without his family, which is apparently what he wants.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 29/07/2018 22:43

He is otherwise ok

No. A man who thinks he has purchased you, and also the right to opt out of family life, is not otherwise ok. He is a dickhead.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 29/07/2018 23:07

Can't wait for Boxsets to turn up and start bitching and whinging about earning, as if homes and kids just raise and run themselves. Come on Boxsets, after the turd you dropped in the thread about a man stealing his wife's money and lying about it, you should be all over this one like a fly to shit.

babybythesea · 29/07/2018 23:09

He's right. He shouldn't be helping.
He should just be doing some of the stuff that makes a house run. It's not helping you, it's being an adult. With adult responsibilities.

If he lived alone he'd have to do his own food shopping, cooking, laundry. You help him by doing them, leaving him free to go off to work AND have lots of free time (that would otherwise be taken up by these grown up chores). Maybe you could stop doing those things for him?

That's before you bring the children into it. I would seriously be pointing out that if you were to leave, he would have them every other weekend. And have to do everything for them in that time. My DH got a hell of a shock when I said I was seriously considering this, not because I didn't care about him any more but because I had a right to some leisure time too. As it was, he was taking all our leisure time for himself (because he worked and 'needed it'), by essentially leaving everything to me. I said if I needed to leave him, in order to have every other weekend off, then that's what I'd do. Because I only get one life and it's my job to make sure I enjoy it as much as he could enjoy his. It did work but he was receptive to it, and shocked I'd been thinking like that.

Eliza9917 · 29/07/2018 23:28

Leave him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/07/2018 23:33

AynRandTheObjectivist

WowLookAtYou · 29/07/2018 23:34

Who are all these twatty men who want a fucking medal for going out to work?
That's what most of us women do, but without all the drama.
My friend is a hospital consultant, running a department of 200 people, and when she had 4 kids under 6 at home, she said her days out at work were infinitely easier, no contest. And when she came home in the evenings (late), she mucked in and got on with, you know, BEING A PARENT!

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread