Husband thinks he doesn’t have to help at home because he earns more than me

[StarfishM]

Hello, I’ve never posted on Mumsnet before but am just so furious at my husband. He keeps making comments like ‘you go and work full time then’ whenever I ask him to help me with things. This morning when I suggested he volunteer at the wknd to help with one of the kid’s sports clubs (they were asking for help with a tidy up) he looked at me shrugged, looked around and said ‘I work full time to pay for all this?’ I was furious. I worked SO hard for years to help pay for our home, I was made redundant and the money helped pay for our home, I work part time and do everything to look after our two kids and home but earn a fraction of what he does, I’m so fed up of him suggesting that the only thing that has value or matters is the money he makes by working full time - which I also did for my entire career until I was forced out when our second child was born. I am so angry I can barely look at him and he says he has nothing to apologise for. I’ve tried to say why i think is attitude is upsetting but he just tells me - right then let’s swop, you work and i’ll take care of the kids - completely ignoring the fact I actually already do both!

The only thing that works is asking them to leave, and meaning it.

Sorry, that’s not very cheery is it

But the resentment from disrespectful shit behaviour like this just builds and builds and starts affecting your sex life, and any time you get on your own without the dc - it’s very hard to come back from. Also these comments, putting you in your place, reminding you you’re shit because you earn fuck all become part of your inner monologue. You end up talking to yourself like you’re shit, because that’s what your partner is telling you and showing you every day with their behaviour. This in turn holds you back (‘i won’t bother applying for that other job there’s no way i’d get it’ etc) and the spiral continues.

From experience i would say that it is amazing how much easier life is without someone like this in it. Only once the domestic argy bargy and tension is off the menu do you get the chance to think about your relationship and what you mean to one another. But it relies on chucking a bomb into your lives and family and i know that is very hard to do.

you work and i’ll take care of the kids - because paid employment is arduous, back-breaking travailing; whereas being responsible for the upbringing and wellbeing of young humans is a bit of a fluffy hobby that you put on your sundries t-do list.

This makes me so depressed. Your husband is being an utter disrespectful asshole and somehow I know things won’t change. Anyone who can speak to their partner like that, on a consistent basis- not just in anger once, does not love their partner. It’s awful. I couldn’t stand for it. I work full time and earn a lot more than my husband. I certainly don’t expect him to do everything. It’s ridiculous. I would seriously consider my options.

It appears to be more about money rather than time spent out at work so I think if the OP did work full time, because she would earn less, the husband would think his contribution enables him to do less at home. My solution to this would be to use his additional income to offset the work I would have done in the house whilst working part time to pay for Service Industries in: childcare, cleaning, gardening, pet care (if applicable), tax returns, bill paying, day to day car maintenance/cleaning, window cleaning, child related admin such as permission slips, paying for trips/lunches etc, or prepping packed lunches etc etc etc then present him with all this neatly itemised.

This would highlight the work the OP does towards the running of the house and how she can go back full time and if the husband remains full time and assumes that full time workers need to do nothing around the house then neither of them do anything.

If he wants to swap roles, this will give him an idea of the tasks he will have to complete and how much more he will have to do. His task will also include some major household budget management as the OP will be earning less.

Or he could just piss off. Seems as though if his only contribution is cash then he doesn't actually need to be with his wife....

So he thinks working absolves him of any responsibilities towards parenting his children? What does he thinks happens when both parents work full time? He’s an arrogant idiot who deeply lacks respect for you and what you do.

Please god can anyone tell me what the traits are to look out for in these typical men- wondering if they displayed signs of being selfish individuals before marriage and kids

I also think sad reality is a lot of men are now like this as they think they can do better, find it easy to check out of relationships and having unequal jobs in terms of pay prospects or qualifications or both can lead to resentment over time

Have a look at MGTOW

@Seriousquestion
Just looked at that 😲🙄🤬

He needs to realise that you do work fulltime

He's a giant arse and I would be telling him to shut up or go

I am the main wage earner in my house , I pay for pretty much everything BUT firstly I see it as providing for my family not as a burden

B : DP not only works but cares for the house ,has never ever let me down with pickup and drop off help and frankly without him I wouldn't be able yo work the way I do

It's slightly different in our house because he is not the father of my children (Exdh is) but we work as a partnership , one of us could not do it without the other

Not to mention the fact that I am a higher earner than him has never , and will never leave my lips in an argument , it only ever comes up in terms of household budget and that's where I say I'll put x amount of money can you do y amount?

Anyone who holds this over someone's head does not work in a relationship as a partnership