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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Blindly supporting her son AIBU?

74 replies

Treesaw · 29/07/2018 11:46

I just wanted some different perspectives because I’m slowly going out of my mind here!

Basic story - my brother has had an affair and left his wife and kids and moved in with OW.

My mum is making every excuse imaginable for him and has actually just said in a text message to me “it’s such a shame because if it wasn’t for SIL’s family interfering they would still be together”

Like wtaf?!! He had an affair and left his wife and children including a baby of one year old to move in with another woman and her baby!! How on earth is this my SIL or her families fault??!

I am so shocked that my mum can’t see this. I haven’t got children, but I can’t imagine that I could ever be so blind to their faults like that.

OP posts:
NewYearNewMe18 · 29/07/2018 11:48

I'm firmly of the opinion no one really knows what goes on in another couples relationship and should therefore keep their beaks out.

Happy marriages don't fall apart.

OwlinaTree · 29/07/2018 11:49

Well it's her son. She's going to be on his side isn't she?

PositiveVibez · 29/07/2018 11:49

Because it's easier to blame the woman. Who knows what shite your brother has been telling her.

She doesn't want to face the fact that her precious child has fucked his family off, because that would mean he is a bit of a twat. And her son is not a twat. It's just that his wife didn't understand him.

Seasawride · 29/07/2018 11:50

Totally agree with NewYesrNewMe

Keep out of it op and try not to take sides.

Longtalljosie · 29/07/2018 11:54

This happens a lot. I’ve known of two similar instances where Mums of sons who’ve left their marriage, leaving wives devastated, have gone out of their way to explain to all and sundry that it was the wife’s fault, really.

I don’t know your mum, but I do know if your brother’s relationship with this new woman works out she will be in your life long term so best stay quiet really. Unless you go for the “I don’t follow your logic” approach...

  • if it weren’t for DIL’s family blah blah blah
  • I don’t follow?
  • well they were terribly interfering...
  • How does that link in? I don’t understand?
ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 29/07/2018 11:56

YANBU.

It's one thing to not agree your son is solely to blame. It's quite another to somehow ignore the fact he's upped and left to live with another woman.

If you're unhappy, you leave. You don't have an affair and fuck off. If either of my sons did that I hope to god I'd be dreadfully disappointed in them.

Original poster
Treesaw · 29/07/2018 12:00

Oh I absolutely want to stay out of it, and I agree newyearnewme happy marriages don’t fall apart and neither party is 100% free from blame or 100% to blame, but I can’t sit and make excuses to my mum or go along with her ideas.

My mum can be quite toxic, and I’ve posted many times about our relationship before under various usernames. I’m staying grey rock at the moment and only making very passive comments, like the whole situation is sad etc etc.

The convo has moved on now, and she’s putting a lot of guilt on me for not being there for my brother. She’s winding me up for a response now so I’ve stopped replying for a while.

OP posts:
ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 29/07/2018 12:01

Happy marriages DO fall apart if one party doesn't bother to tell the other party they're unhappy.

Original poster
Treesaw · 29/07/2018 12:05

itsnice that’s true as well. I don’t know the details of how their marriage has been, neither do I want to. It’s their marriage and it’s a private business. I’ve never asked, and I never will. I only know what I’m being told by SIL and what my mum is saying my brother has said. I’m staying out of it while trying to keep everyone happy and not ruin my relationships with my mum or my SIL who both want me to take their side.

OP posts:
NewYearNewMe18 · 29/07/2018 12:20

Happy marriages DO fall apart if one party doesn't bother to tell the other party they're unhappy.

By default the marriage isn't a happy one.

IceCreamFace · 29/07/2018 12:20

Well it's her son. She's going to be on his side isn't she?

Errr no she can remain impartial and support her son without inventing reasons why other people are to blame.

In terms of the actual problem? Who knows - sometimes an affair is a really rubbish way of dealing with unhappiness in a marriage. Sometimes it's pure selfishness. I would not to get involved but remain supportive to them both.

IceCreamFace · 29/07/2018 12:22

NewYearNewMe18

Of course perfectly good marriages fall apart. Sometimes one party isn't satisfied with a happy marriage - they want a happy marriage and some exciting sex on the side. It's a massive cop out to justify an affair by saying "well they weren't happy". Sometimes they weren't happy because they didn't put effort into the marriage. Even if the marriage was genuinely irredeemable clearly an affair isn't the right way to respond.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 29/07/2018 12:24

I'll bite. I've seen SO MANY women (MOTHERS) over the years defend their Golden Boys over 'the ebil woman' (even when the son is 100% to blame). It's bollocks. Hope someone is looking out for your SIL. Sorry, but your brother sounds like an arse and if this was posted from the SIL perspective on relationships this is what would be said. He has an OW and he's abandoned his wife and kids ... I'd help her get a SHL and tan his hide personally.

Mythologies · 29/07/2018 12:27

Oh FFS - the old chestnut about not getting involved and two sides to every story.
When all the advice about divorce is to split if you are unhappy - deal with the fall out responsibly like an adult and with the children's needs foremost.
How is moving in straight in with your affair partner doing any of that.
But hey - the woman and children you leave definitely deserved to be dumped.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 29/07/2018 12:29

Newme

Yes I'm aware of the semantics involved. The point is that the woman (in this case) may well have had no idea that hers was unhappy.

If I found myself in that position and was surrounded by people telling me that this wouldn't have happened in a happy marriage, I think I'd have wanted to poke eyes out.

Armadillostoes · 29/07/2018 12:30

Agreed OP-YANBU. Some people in AIBU love to take the OP on principle, but your point is very valid. Blindly supporting an adult son regardless of his behaviour is not laudable. I also agree that taking sides is inappropriate, but showing concern rather than condemnation for the woman who is the mother and primary carer of the grandchildren would make more sense.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 29/07/2018 12:31

My Mum would excuse anything my brother did. Anything. It is always down to someone else, or it not being really what he means/feels/says - he’s just stressed or it’s male pride etc. It beggars belief.

It sounds, to me, like your friendship with your SIL is far more valuable to you than the toxic relationship with your mother, so whilst I’d try not to make things worse, I certainly would be supporting your SIL, after the cuntish things your fuckwit brother has done.

As for happy marriages not breaking down...what utter shit.

RoboJesus · 29/07/2018 12:36

It's like when mother's of criminals refuse to accept their guilt. Even when there is overwhelming evidence or they confess. It's unconditional love that makes you see your child through rose tinted glasses and blinds you to the reality.

Branleuse · 29/07/2018 12:36

if someones own mother isnt going to blindly support their own child then who is. Its supposed to be the one unconditional love of your life. Let it go.
If one of my kids cheated on their spouse, I wouldnt be delighted, but im hardly going to disown them over it.

I always think its really sad when parents outright side with their childs ex at the expense of their own child

kenandbarbie · 29/07/2018 12:40

Maybe if she'd brought him up to take more responsibility for his actions he wouldn't be a selfish git who had an affair and left his family. I would have to say something to my mum in these circumstances.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 29/07/2018 12:40

f someones own mother isnt going to blindly support their own child then who is. Its supposed to be the one unconditional love of your life. Let it go

Even if the child has been a complete and utter dick and fucked over the mother of their own child and their own child? Wow!

howabout · 29/07/2018 12:42

I have a DBro who can do no wrong in the eyes of DM - he otoh freely admits to being a complete pita a lot of the time. He and I had a right royal falling out in front of DM a while back. 2 days later we were back to being best mates BUT DM is still not speaking to me because I upset him. Grey rock sounds like a good approach but easier said than done.

If you can help your DB by supporting him to be a better father to his DC when dealing with money / access etc then maybe this would be a way forward. Also avoid any 3 way / 2nd hand conversations.

Rebecca36 · 29/07/2018 12:46

I suggest you support your sister in law and the children (without alienating your brother), and when your mother says anything, just tell her you do not agree with her but don't want to talk about it.

BlueJava · 29/07/2018 12:58

I wouldn't talk to SIL or MIL or anyone else about it and avoid the "he said, she said" stuff. Concentrate on your own family instead.

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 29/07/2018 13:03

f someones own mother isnt going to blindly support their own child then who is. Its supposed to be the one unconditional love of your life. Let it go

I wouldn't support my adult child to ruin the lives of actual children, my grandchildren and a woman who'd just had his baby. No.

Op, you don't need to sides, but you are going to risk being sidelined in your neices or nephews lives if your SIL sees your family as hostile. I would extend a whole olive tree to the SIL.

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