Blindly supporting her son AIBU?

[Treesaw]

I just wanted some different perspectives because I’m slowly going out of my mind here!

Basic story - my brother has had an affair and left his wife and kids and moved in with OW.

My mum is making every excuse imaginable for him and has actually just said in a text message to me “it’s such a shame because if it wasn’t for SIL’s family interfering they would still be together”

Like wtaf?!! He had an affair and left his wife and children including a baby of one year old to move in with another woman and her baby!! How on earth is this my SIL or her families fault??!

I am so shocked that my mum can’t see this. I haven’t got children, but I can’t imagine that I could ever be so blind to their faults like that.

It happens a lot, I've known of a lot of parents who just stick on the side of their child no matter what.

I love my in-laws, but everything DH has ever done they've happily taken his side on.

I found out he was seeing prostitutes, they had nothing to say, he moved into my home and had bailiffs at my door a week before Christmas, nothing to say, he saddled me with debt including a £12000 car loan, jacked in his job and went bankrupt in the beginning of December, we we're evicted from our home 9 months later, nothing to say. He fucked off to Germany for a few weeks as summer hit, I don't think he would have told me if I didnt over hear a phone call... I know it makes me a mug for continuing this charade of a marriage, but back to the point, his parents have shown nothing but solidarity to their son, despite his pretty large misgivings. It's just parents I think

I have two boys I love them unconditionally but I’d still be disappointed if they cheated on their partner. Even if the relationship wasn’t happy. I’d offer emotional support to the partner too.

I think this is more about your mother being a toxic woman! I would distance my myself from her and go lc. The relationship you have with your brother and sil is nothing to do with her.

I haven’t got children, but I can’t imagine that I could ever be so blind to their faults like that.

I teach. I see a lot of parents like this, obviously a small proportion, but they really stand out. Some parents will bend reality to excuse every terrible thing their child does and react like a loon to every percieved slight.

In my opinion (when taken to extremes) it's one of the cruelest things you can do to a child. The effects on behaviour are comparable with extreme neglect and child abuse- the kids are completely dysfunctional.

I think all parents understand those feelings- we all fret about our kids; but I can't imagine how people get so bind to the damage they do.

Of course none of this excuses OP's BiL. Once you are an adult you have to take responsibility and sort your own shit out.

If my son did this I'd still be his mum and I wouldn't ruin our relationship. It would be none of my business...but then I was the other woman that my partner left his wife and child for.

You can still love your child but not defend their choices.

You can be kind to the person who got hurt without slamming the guilty party.

I love my girls so much. If as adults they cheated I wouldn't not talk to them but I'd make them aware what they did was not fair and that I am not going to stop talking to her husband or wife because of it.

But your Mum isn't like most Mums OP as she is pretty Narcissistic and has put your brother on an impenetrable pedestal.

Just like PP said just say it's none of our business and leave it at that whilst supporting your SIL.

SugarIsAmazing

but then I was the other woman that my partner left his wife and child for

...was that supposed to impress us?
...does it make you feel good? Better than his wife? Better than others who have been the one that’s been left?

...your life isn’t over yet, your smugness may well come to bite you on the arse.

It would make no difference if your mum had a go at him. It would just makes things more difficult all round.

That’s the sort of thing Mum would would say too, anything other than accept he’s in the wrong 🙄

I think it’s all hitting you even harder because it’s making you realise just how bad she is. I think you’d be happier and ‘freer’ if you went NC with her, but it’s difficult to face the fact that she will never change and isn’t the Mum she should be to you 🌷

Look after your relationship with SIL.

*You can still love your child but not defend their choices.

You can be kind to the person who got hurt without slamming the guilty party.*

Well put.

It's a massive cop out to justify an affair by saying "well they weren't happy". Sometimes they weren't happy because they didn't put effort into the marriage. Even if the marriage was genuinely irredeemable clearly an affair isn't the right way to respond.
All 3 sentences here ^^. If you're not happy in your relationship then either try to sort it out or leave. Don't cheat.

This forum just escalates to the ridiculous at times.

Every one here has an opinion and is rarely afraid to voice it , from behind a keyboard of course, whether they'd be so potty mouthed IRL is another matter entirely.

Again, I will reiterate happy marriages do not fall apart. When people are emotionally and physically fulfilled they don't tend to wander off looking for another relationship. All the ifs-and-buts and the maybe-the-SIL-didn't-know-she-was-in-an-unhappy-marriage is crap. Sorry but it is. She would have known there was at least an emotional distance if not a physical one also.

None of us are in this relationship. None of us know what caused it. And it's actually irrelevant to the OPs dilemma.

Back to the Op and her mother - just tell mother you aren't getting involved and refuse point blank to discuss or speculate on any aspect of the relationship. Keep all lines of communication open if you want to continue to see the baby and have a relationship with the child.

Sil had a 1 year old baby. I was pretty detached from DH when I had 1 year old baby (let alone older children too) as I was utterly exhausted and touched out from dealing with a clingy beast all the time.

It's normal for many marriages. It doesn't justify the h having an affair because he's not #1 for a short period of time.

NewYearNewMe18

Again you're absolutely wrong. Happy marriages - or marriages that have the potential to be perfectly happy do fall apart. One of the reasons this can happen is because when there's stress (e.g. due to a new baby) instead of putting effort into working on a marriage one partner instead looks for comfort elsewhere. Some people just don't exert any will power - they meet someone attractive are flattered that this person shows an interest and don't resist the temptation. Some people instead of working on a marriage prefer to imagine there's someone out there who is so perfect for them the relationship won't need any work and jump ship without bothering to repair their existing relationship. There are lots of people who will always have a roaming eye but also like the comfort of a relationship and what to have their cake and eat it. Some people just get swept up in an affair and make a terrible mistake.

Marriages involve compromise you're not usually fulfilled or unfulfilled, blissfully happy or completely unhappy.

If someone genuinely felt their marriage was over and no amount of work or effort would repair it. That person has the power to tell their partner and end the marriage. They would then be free to persue other relationships.

No marriage is always happy, life gets in the way, new baby, redundancy, illness etc. If you're expecting to feel fulfilled all the time, then you will probably never find a long-term relationship that lasts a life-time. Because you'll always think the grass could be greener elsewhere.

My DH and I have had very difficult times; bereavement, infertility, adoption process and then bringing up 2 adopted DDs, one of whom has SN. In addition, I have complex PTSD because of childhood SA. It's not easy, we haven't had a fulfilling sex life for a long time, but we're both in it for the long haul and there are good times (we're visiting family overseas this summer), it's just not all hearts and flowers.

The important thing is that there is good communication between you.

I'm firmly of the opinion no one really knows what goes on in another couples relationship and should therefore keep their beaks out.

This x100. NewYear talks a lot of sense.

Thank you everyone for your views. I was starting to go a bit crazy when I was being told by my mum how supportive everyone else has been of her and implying I was in the wrong with my views.

AnnieAnoniMoose I think you are right that it’s just hit me harder because I never seen she was like this before. I didn’t see the favouritism for my brother prior to this, and I thought she would do the right thing. She spent most of my childhood making sure everyone knew how terrible her in laws were and didn’t appreciate her and always gushed over my dad. When my dad was suspected to be unfaithful to her (I don’t think he was in the end) she told me (as a young teenager) how my priority had to be to her and I wasn’t to take my dad’s side. I just expected she would behave differently based on how she felt she should have been treated over the years.

I think this situation has just highlighted everything wrong in our relationship really and brought up a lot of unresolved feelings for me.

But the OP isn't wanting to 'stick her beak in', she just doesn't like the way that her mum is actively blaming her DIL and her family for the breakdown of the marriage, when it was her DS who had an affair and abandoned her for the OW.

The OP is friends with her SIL and it's understandable that she wants to be there for her, when she's hurting and also being unfairly judged.

IceCreamFace your example is not a happy marriage - you've described a marriage with problems

I don't blame you @OP it's hard to see someone's negative traits so clearly when you know them so well.

Take your time to think what kind of relationship you want with her. It's up to you. You are allowed to feel how you feel.

NewYearNewMe18

Every marriage in the history of the world has problems! If having problems in the marriage is an excuse to have an affair then don't bother getting married in the first place!

I by no means think that if you have an affair you should be abandoned by all of your relations but barring some kind of abusive situation you were responsible for your actions and you were in the wrong by having the affair. Work on the marriage or leave the marriage.

RoboJesus

I saw Pablo Escobar’s mother saying ‘he’s a nice boy really’ glossing over the hundreds/thousands of deaths he ordered.

Totally disagree with Newyear. Happy marriages can and do fall apart. Horrific things can happen out of the blue.

And all this two sides to every story bullshit. It's just excusing shitty behaviour and a lack of morals really.

It's good that she's fiercely loyal to her son if that's what's happening.

I like to think that short of rape or murder, mine can count on me being by their side.

Happy marriages don't fall apart

This is a bit naive and quietly a bit judgy.

Sometimes one person in a happy marriage is just an arsehole and breaks it.