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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Blindly supporting her son AIBU?

74 replies

Treesaw · 29/07/2018 11:46

I just wanted some different perspectives because I’m slowly going out of my mind here!

Basic story - my brother has had an affair and left his wife and kids and moved in with OW.

My mum is making every excuse imaginable for him and has actually just said in a text message to me “it’s such a shame because if it wasn’t for SIL’s family interfering they would still be together”

Like wtaf?!! He had an affair and left his wife and children including a baby of one year old to move in with another woman and her baby!! How on earth is this my SIL or her families fault??!

I am so shocked that my mum can’t see this. I haven’t got children, but I can’t imagine that I could ever be so blind to their faults like that.

OP posts:
IDontEatFriedTurtle · 29/07/2018 13:05

Happy marriages don't fall apart.

Translation it's OK to act like a twat if you don't get everything you want. No need to let the other person know you aren't happy and have decided to fuck other people.

Shortstuff08 · 29/07/2018 13:07

Maybe if she'd brought him up to take more responsibility for his actions he wouldn't be a selfish git who had an affair and left his family. I would have to say something to my mum in these circumstances.

So its not ok to blame the wife, but ok to blame the mother? How does that work?

kenandbarbie · 29/07/2018 13:12

She brought him up, his current behaviour and hers indicate she didn't do a very good job.

Treacletoots · 29/07/2018 13:17

My brother slept with my best friend at school, when she was 15 and he was in his 20s. She was staying with us on our sofa as she had fallen out with her parents so was vulnerable. When it all came out in the wash my mother said she was telling horrid lies about him.

I knew from the moment he did it I couldn't look him in the eye again and I confronted him. He then refused to speak to me ever again. That was 25 years ago.

Pretty much sums up my lovely family. I've been NC with them for the last 8 or so years.

BE18mum · 29/07/2018 13:22

Very sad as your mum may be shooting herself in the foot with regard to her relationship with her grandchildren.

It’s not always the case but men who up and leave in that way don’t always make a huge effort with their children - especially if they start another family - and it will be up to SIL whether to make the effort to take the children to see her. Obviously there are exceptions but bad-mouthing SIL’s family etc will not help regardless of what happened.

Branleuse · 29/07/2018 13:27

cheating on your wife and then splitting up isnt ruining the lives of anybodies children. Its not nice behaviour, but this isnt the middle east. Relationships end all the time for various reasons and families split. I think some of you are being a bit dramatic. Its perfectly possible to retain a decent relationship and have well adjusted kids after a split.

Branleuse · 29/07/2018 13:28

when i say this isnt the middle east, i mean that we live in a country where you dont become a social pariah after divorce and its not shameful

Lizzie48 · 29/07/2018 13:39

I'm reminded of my DSis's ex MIL, and the whole family, when her marriage to her XH broke up. He was violent to her and yet somehow it was my DSis who was forced to leave the church because they all sided with him. The family were key members of the church and he seemingly could do no wrong.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 29/07/2018 13:46

You need to stay out of it. Only the two of them know what went on. If the marriage was happy this wouldn't have happened.

He was awful to not split before embarking on a new relationship but he is entitled to split if unhappy. No one should stay unhappy for fear of what family will say over a divorce.

Your mum will obviously support her son over his ex, she's no relation. Why would she cut her own son off to support another? He's her own flesh and blood, faults an all.

Armadillostoes · 29/07/2018 13:56

Some people still seem to be missing the point-the OP is not proposing interfering and the OP's mother is not faced with a binary choice between disowning her son and blaming her DIL. The attitude that the son/brother's affair was caused by his wife/in-laws is not necessary and really desrructive.

Original poster
Treesaw · 29/07/2018 14:22

Wow I went to walk to dog and came back to loads of replies.

Most people have completely understood what I am trying to say. I still have a good relationship with my SIL and have been seeing the children through her. I have been offering her emotional support and I think we’d can maintain our relationship through this.

My relationship with my mother is a whole other issue and I disagree with lots and lots of the decisions she has made over the years. But that’s a whole other thread and not entirely relevant here. But she is ruining her relationship with her grandchildren. She now only sees them through my brother, who only sees them one day at the weekend and one evening after school. He sees them at my mums because he can’t take them to his new house with the OW. This is all very recent in the last two months.

But once things settle down and time has passed and my brother sees them at his own house or stops bothering or whatever the future holds, my mum will hardly see them. She has fallen out with my SIL and refuses to speak to her or apologise for the things she has said.

And I truly am trying my very best to stay neutral, especially with my mum because she would love nothing more than for me to get upset and tell her what I think or bite when she’s telling me how disappointed she is that I’m not contacting and supporting my brother. We are going to end up falling out because I can’t keep biting my tongue but right now I’m just keeping the peace and saying nothing to her.

I’m not saying she should disown my brother, he is her son. But she can still support my SIL, who has been left as a single parent to 3 children with no money (she has been a SAHM). It didn’t need to be an all or nothing situation and my mum will regret this in years to come when she has no relationship with her grandchildren

OP posts:
AnneElliott · 29/07/2018 14:27

I find it hard to understand how she can ignore the OW aspect. My friends ex mil did this though. Had OW over to Xmas dinner precisely 2 weeks after her son walked out on his pregnant wife and 2 year old DS.

Much as I adore my DS, I wouldn't be entertaining his mistress at my house while his wife was left at home.

Bluelady · 29/07/2018 14:28

Reminds me of Violet Kray saying what good boys her twins were.

Lizzie48 · 29/07/2018 14:33

No one is arguing that his mum shouldn't support him, even less disown him. What is being said is that she's completely wrong to be blaming it all on her DIL and her family. It's also very short-sighted, as it's very much in her interests to remain on at least cordial terms if she wants to have regular contact with her DGC.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 29/07/2018 14:35

Most people only maintain contact through their side of the family after a split. It's very common.

Plenty of posts to be found re hurt etc when family tries to remain friends with an ex.

Your mums decision is hers to make as an adult just as you are free to make yours.

Original poster
Treesaw · 29/07/2018 14:40

She’s making me doubt my own sanity now. She’s messaging me saying how great other family members have been and all the advice and support they have given her. It makes me feel like either I’m the only one who can see through what she’s saying and everyone also thinks my brother is innocent in this.

MN never fails to surprise me, I swear you can read situations so well! A PP mentioned before about their Mum always excusing their brother, well I’ve just had a message from her saying how my brother is struggling to cope with the stress and he’s coming across as nasty to cover how he really feels.
It’s like a fucking script.

I haven’t replied to any of her messages for hours and she’s still going.

OP posts:
Original poster
Treesaw · 29/07/2018 14:47

boxsets yes it is her decision. We all have a right to make our own decisions, and we all have to live with the consequences of those decisions. I just know (or maybe hope) she will regret not having a relationship with her grandchildren in the future. She not behaving how I expected and I trying to make sense of it.

In the past I would have had a word and given advice to maybe take a step back and stay impartial. But I’m fed up of having to be the one to do that and take on that role. It’s been like that since I was a child. So I’ve stood back and let her make her own decisions this time. We have a very messed up relationship and I’m only just starting to see that really.

OP posts:
BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 29/07/2018 14:48

She's doing no different than you though in reality, you've just both chosen different sides to support.

Your brother going straight to another woman is wrong but if your SIL and brothers marriage was solida and happy he wouldn't have. There will be fault on both sides, he was just an idiot to not leave first before pursuing a new relationship.

starzig · 29/07/2018 14:51

Forget the affair, it's not important. The important part is that he chose to leave her, so he split the marriage, not her.

Lizzie48 · 29/07/2018 14:54

@BoxsetsAndPopcorn it really isn't true that he wouldn't have left if the marriage hadn't been happy. Other posters have pointed this out to you and you've refused to listen. He may have been bored or else had his head turned. Maybe he was unhappy, but it doesn't mean that his wife was aware of that.

Sometimes it is simply a case of the grass appearing to be greener on the other side.

Lizzie48 · 29/07/2018 14:55

I mean if the marriage had been happy obviously.

Andro · 29/07/2018 14:56

You can love unconditionally and still disapprove of a person's actions! How many time has some version of 'I love my child, but I really don't like their behaviour right now' been suggested on here as a way of separating the action from the person as a whole?

There are better ways of managing unhappiness in a marriage than cheating, a cheat has unequivocally placed him/herself in the wrong (violence is the other response that places a person in the wrong without question).

I’ve just had a message from her saying how my brother is struggling to cope with the stress and he’s coming across as nasty to cover how he really feels.

Oh boy, she's determined to white wash his actions isn't she?

HildaZelda · 29/07/2018 14:58

Your mother sounds exactly like my MIL OP. A few years ago BIL left his wife. Apparently there was 'no one else involved'. Less than a month later he was 'suddenly' with someone else. He moved in with her and had a baby pretty much straight away. He and his ex had been married for 10 years and had a nine year old son.
It turned out afterwards that he'd been seeing the other women 10 years previously and had a child with her when he was engaged to his wife. When he got married OW moved back to her hometown quite a long way away.

BIL's wife ( I still call her my SIL) was in a terrible state. It came completely out of nowhere, yet MIL was blaming her for it all. "Oh well, she obviously drove him to it" was the comment I heard one day.
BIL is a useless layabout who doesn't work and scrounges off of everyone else, but he'll always be MIL's golden boy and she thinks the sun shines out of his arse

Hopefully you will be able to maintain a good relationship with your SIL. I'm still friends with mine and so is my DH, but the rest of the family basically abandoned her and our nephew.

Andro · 29/07/2018 15:01

Just to clarify, I'm not suggesting that infidelity and violence are comparable in seriousness (one may be recoverable from, the other needs police involvement) only that neither is an appropriate response to unhappiness.

rainforesttreeswinging · 29/07/2018 15:12

I would avoid the topic like the plague with your brother and your mother. If your mother is toxic anyway then you should not be surprised to find out that precious golden son is of course not to blame. This will be nothing new to you I am sure.

I would keep well out of it, your mum brings the subject up just tell her it is none of our business Mum on repeat.

I would quietly support your SIL and children, they are your family and are largely blameless in all of this. No marriage is perfect and your brother sounds like a shit.