To want him to feel the same about the DCs

[cricketmum84]

AIBU scares me a little so please be gentle. I'll try to keep this short but apologies if I miss anything out, I don't intend to drip feed.

Been with DH for 10 years, my DS was 3 when we met, DS bio dad has never had anything to do with him, never met him and never paid maintenance. He told me when pregnant that he wouldn't be in his life. This means that DH is the only father DS has ever known.

We have a DD together, both kids are aware that DS isn't bio son of DH but it's not an issue.

Had a huge argument with DH because he seems to be very negative towards DS, only speaks to him to pick on stuff he either hasn't done or has done wrong, he never starts up a conversation with him, praises him, asks him how his day was. It's got to the point where he will criticise, DS will look at me, then I feel like I need to over compensate and be extra nice to DS because his dad is being nasty.

Anyway during this argument DH admitted that he doesn't feel the same way about D.C. he feels he has never had a bond with DS and they don't understand each other. I grew up with my own DF feeling like this about me and I know that DS is picking up on this.

I just don't know what to do to fix this. DH now feels awful and says he is going to try hard to change and have a better relationship with him. I was all for LTB until I saw how remorseful he was.

Is this a normal this for blended families? How do I deal with this going forward? AIBU to think that he is a cold bastard when he can't bring himself to love a child he has been raising for 10 years???

That's pretty awful. He's had 7 years to try to bond with his child and hasn't made the effort. The lack of blood ties isn't any kind of excuse; children are people too, so if you can love an adult you're not related to, you can love a child you're not related to. He's the adult, so he needs to do what he can to fix this, by building a relationship with his son, who will otherwise grow up to resent both of you.

I don't think it's awful for him to feel differently about the children. I think he needs to hide it better.

Honestly I'd be very concerned your poor ds will be picking up on this everyday. As the mother of 2 birth and 2 adopted children I assure you can love children totally equally, biology doesn't come into it.
What does he want to do?
How does he plan to address this? Because it absolutely cannot continue. He needs to hide it much better (and we cannot help our feelings after all but we can help how we react/deal with them)

I think there are a lot of parents both step and bio that find they have one of their children they don't bond with as much as the others. It sounds like your DP has shocked himself after vocalising this admission. This is now an opportunity for you both to work on improving their relationship. I certainly don't advocate throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

Nah, I wouldn't be putting up with that I'm afraid. I'm in the exact same situation and DH absolutely adores DD and loves her unconditionally. He is her father apart from a cell, so why would he feel differently about her?

Agree with pp it's not awful he feels different, I really think that's common, but he needs to hide it better and treat both dc the same. That should be what your aiming for.

I 100% wouldn't love another person's dc as much as mine. This is the thing that goes wrong though in blended families, that the other parent thinks all dc will be loved the same.

He definitely needs to try and hide it better, he's damaging your son.

I think it’s very naive and unrealistic for parents going into a blended family situation to expect that the step parent will love the step children the same as their own DCs.

Your DH at least needs to stop being a dick though.

Is his critical behaviour only a recent thing? What was their relationship like before? I think for me this would be a deal breaker OP.

The main issue here is the way your DS is being treated. Being around someone whose only interaction is to be critical or negative is damaging and that needs to stop. My OH took on my DS who had just turned 4 and whilst he hasn’t always been perfect he has always viewed my DS as his own (bio not around either) Although when siblings arrived I was always a little concerned that OH behaviour would change and if I perceived he was being overly harsh with him would step in although in truth that probably made it worse as it made it look like I was treating him differently, OH is the same with them all!

It's not just a case of him feeling he doesn't have a bond with DS.

It's the fact that he is only interested in your son to criticise him and be negative to him.

OP, this is the start of abusive behaviour. If he hasn't built a bond with DS in the past 10 years he is unlikely to do so now. He will just learn not to criticise DS in your presence but do it ehen they're alone.

I feel very sorry for your DS. This is a child who he's known since 3! Does DS call him dad?

Slightly different but similar. My bio dad left us when I was small and had another family. He has admitted to me that he loves his child from second marriage more then he loves me ( it is and has always been obvious, he treats me like a niece not a daughter) and I can tell you this hurts so much - so I would suggest you really focus on protecting your son from this. It has had a profound affect on my life.

I’m going to be blunt. You need to leave this man. Don’t put your poor son through any more of this emotional abuse. Your husband isn’t going to change and he is being honest and telling you he doesn’t care for your child.

Please put your son first and protect him. He doesn’t deserve this. Deep down you know what you need to do.

If you don’t leave now your DS will resent you when he grows up.

Your husband is a prick.

So what if he doesn't love your DS like his own? It's no excuse to treat him like shit. Astonishingly, I have managed to form relationships with friends' children, and be interested in them and their lives, despite no familial ties. Your son is a human being and deserves much better than this.

Let’s be clear- You can’t fix how he feels.

I’m amazed this has only come to a head now - How have you not noticed this earlier?
Was he pretending to be nice when DS was small?

It should be a deal breaker for you.(many women will likely Stay and try to “fix” or compensate because it’s “not so bad”)

I would be insisting he goes for counselling to try and work on his relationship with DS if it doesn’t improve dramatically in the next few months you’ll leave. I’d also consider seeking counselling for yourself.

I would also highlight that the “he is mean” “I am extra nice” dynamic you have now is incredibly unhealthy.
Your son will be damaged by this and may very well be resentful /angry with you as a late teen/ adult.

The fact you have brought another child into the mix makes it more complicated too - what a difficult position for everyone especially the children.

‘to expect that the step parent will love the step children the same as their own DCs.’

Yeah, but there’s a big difference between not loving a step-child as your own, and being a critical horrible fucker to them.

I'm guessing that there must be at least a 3 year age gap between your DC. Is your DH pulling your DS up because he expects different behaviour from an older child? I tell my eldest off for things that I let the youngest (2.5yr difference) get away with as they are different ages. It also sounds as though you aren't supporting your DH as your DS just has to look to you in appeal and you are then extra nice to him. Our DC know that there is no point coming to the other parent if one parent has said something. Occasionally, DH and I will disagree but we will discuss it once the DC are out of the way (in bed or out playing) and, if the original parent agrees to back down, that parent apologises and explains why.
It sounds to me as though, as a first step, you and your DH need to agree on your expectations and what punishments are appropriate.

Be grateful he’s said it and it’s out in the open. Send them off on shared experiences, go ape, go carting, football, whatever interests them, slowly it might come.

I take it your son us at annoying teenager stage now and maybe that is why he is being critical? Or hashould email always been like this in which case you have let it go on way too long.

Is it a recent thing? DS is 13? Sure he's not just feeling disconnected from him as he's hit the teenage years?

‘Had a huge argument with DH because he seems to be very negative towards DS, only speaks to him to pick on stuff he either hasn't done or has done wrong, he never starts up a conversation with him, praises him, asks him how his day was. It's got to the point where he will criticise, DS will look at me, then I feel like I need to over compensate and be extra nice to DS because his dad is being nasty’

Are people not reading this paragraph?? The man doesn’t speak to the child unless he is criticising him! And the DS looks to OP to reassure him, probably because he is feeling scared of the man who has no interest in him apart from to tell him off.

It’s so fucked up and people seem to be saying it’s ok?

Re your thread title, do you mean you want him to feel the same about each child or do you want him to feel the same as you do about your son?

In either case I agree with pp that it is unrealistic to expect someone you are in a relationship with to love your child. Having said that, liking him should be enough if he can be patient, engaged and respectful towards him. It sounds like he is struggling to hide his feelings and he must do something about it. Your poor child must feel awful.

The way he’s TREATING DS is unacceptable. The way he FEELS is not.

I was a Step-Mum to three for five years. I treated them very, very well. However, even if I was still in their lives now I could never have loved them like I love my own DC.

Messy bunch teenagers often grunt when asked about their day and don't want to talk hence me asking if he's alwsys been like that.

I have a step son who I met when he was 6- it can be hard! but at the end of the day, you really only get out of kids what you put in. DH might never feel "the same" about DS and he does DD but different relationships are gonna feel different. He needs to put a concerted effort into bonding with DS to build their own loving relationship, whatever that looks like- if he won't do this then he can't be a father to him and shouldn't be around the child. He knew the boy came with the package, he might not have realised how difficult it would be but taking responsibility for his choices means he has to be the adult and fix his problems.