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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want him to feel the same about the DCs

54 replies

cricketmum84 · 29/07/2018 07:29

AIBU scares me a little so please be gentle. I'll try to keep this short but apologies if I miss anything out, I don't intend to drip feed.

Been with DH for 10 years, my DS was 3 when we met, DS bio dad has never had anything to do with him, never met him and never paid maintenance. He told me when pregnant that he wouldn't be in his life. This means that DH is the only father DS has ever known.

We have a DD together, both kids are aware that DS isn't bio son of DH but it's not an issue.

Had a huge argument with DH because he seems to be very negative towards DS, only speaks to him to pick on stuff he either hasn't done or has done wrong, he never starts up a conversation with him, praises him, asks him how his day was. It's got to the point where he will criticise, DS will look at me, then I feel like I need to over compensate and be extra nice to DS because his dad is being nasty.

Anyway during this argument DH admitted that he doesn't feel the same way about D.C. he feels he has never had a bond with DS and they don't understand each other. I grew up with my own DF feeling like this about me and I know that DS is picking up on this.

I just don't know what to do to fix this. DH now feels awful and says he is going to try hard to change and have a better relationship with him. I was all for LTB until I saw how remorseful he was.

Is this a normal this for blended families? How do I deal with this going forward? AIBU to think that he is a cold bastard when he can't bring himself to love a child he has been raising for 10 years???

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 29/07/2018 08:57

Yes I agree with strawberrisc. It’s not the fact he struggles to understand or bond as much as with his biological daughter and that can be worked on.

The problem is with how he is treating him and that is his choice and it is unacceptable

Cherubfish · 29/07/2018 09:05

It's good that at least your DH has admitted there is a problem and is feeling remorse. I think the two of you need to sit down and figure out how to make some changes going forward - now is the perfect time to do it, while he is feeling bad.

More time bonding together over a shared hobby (as pp suggested)? Or maybe a 'rule' that DH must say at least one positive thing to DS to balance any negative thing he says (obviously DS shouldn't know about this rule or it will seem very forced). Can DH think of any suggestions himself?

I agree with others that he won't necessarily feel exactly the same way about the two DC but he needs to treat them fairly.

Handsfull13 · 29/07/2018 09:06

It's ok to feel different towards your kids, many do it when they are all biologically theirs but it's how you treat them that matters.

I'm not as close to my step son and I'll admit that it changed more when I had my own children but that has never changed the way I treat him.
He might annoy me more and I have less patience but he wouldn't know that as I save that to moan with my friends. I let it out and go so it doesn't build up inside but never towards him.

Your DH needs to learn to treat them the same even if he doesn't feel the same. He may even treat them different because one is a boy and ones a girl and it's nothing to do with not being his own child. But that's the most obvious difference to jump to.

If he can't learn to treat them the same you need to leave him as he'll only become more of a bully to your son.

81Byerley · 29/07/2018 09:08

This is difficult for all of you. I'd suggest a regular outing for your partner and your son by themselves, to try to build a relationship. Perhaps they could take up a hobby together (think martial arts etc) go swimming, cinema. fishing, football. McDonalds etc etc. It sounds as if your partner does realise how he feels isn't right, and if they have shared nice experiences, it might change things around. Even things like "I'm just off to the shop for something, would you mind helping me, I thought we might go for a coffee somewhere afterwards"

Metoodear · 29/07/2018 09:08

My dh took on my son when he was six he lives the bones off him or we wouldn’t be married now

I will not and never have put up with ds just being tolerated why the feck should hebthis is his home and he deserved to be loved

We then went on to adopt 2 girls and he loves them all the same I never felt like he didn’t or he would be out

I never will understand who would put their own need for love before their child’s

But then again a lot of dads do this get with somone regardless of weather they love even get on with their children so women are just catching up

Metoodear · 29/07/2018 09:11

And people who keep saying well you won’t love them the same

As and adopter or children who are not biologically mine this is horse shit their are many people who love the vibes of their step children

And their are also people who don’t love their bio children my ex husband for one who hasn’t bothered with my son for over 16 years

Peakypush · 29/07/2018 09:18

I was also going to suggest if this is being highlighted now because your DS has hit teenagehood? Presumably your DD is only around 8 or younger which is a much nicer age than 13 generally! Not excusing his behaviour but it can often be shocking for an adult to see a sweet child morph into a difficult teen. My own mother still laments I was the perfect child and then I hit 12 and she doesn't know what happened Hmm could your DH just be struggling with your sons attitude etc?

gretchinweeners · 29/07/2018 09:18

I have the same family set up and if anything, since our daughter has been born my husband has made even more of an effort to ensure my son feels loved and included so he doesn't feel anything other than equal to the new baby. I feel so bad for your son. I'm not saying this is the right thing to do by any means but if it was me I couldn't have my son around anyone who made him feel less than important and adored and I wouldn't have dealt with that the first time I saw it happening

gretchinweeners · 29/07/2018 09:21

@Metoodear totally agree with what you said. If I ever saw my son being treated differently or being made to feel bad about himself then the person doing it would be gone in an instant

LookAtIt · 29/07/2018 09:22

You've been with him for ten years? Has he been hiding it it up until recently it have you been putting up with it?

Have you always treated your Husband as his father?

Could it be that now your sons is 13 he's at a stage where even birth parents go off their kids a bit? One parent being stricter and the kid looking to the other parent for reassurance is very normal with blood siblings.

BTW is there a reason your husband didn't adopt you son?

Peakypush · 29/07/2018 09:24

Also, as stereotypical as it is, men tend to be harder on boys. I see it in my own family. Again, not an excuse and I would certainly be insisting he comes up with a tangible plan of how he intends to fix this: regular one on one time bonding with your son doing a hobby/sport, actively stop criticising him and start pointing out his good points, taking an interest on his life etc. I would lay down the law here OP and tell him to think about how he intends to fix this and that he has 6 months to prove he's addressing it properly or you're gone. Leave no wiggle room here or your son will profoundly suffer and it could wreck your future relationship with your boy. Good luck Flowers

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 29/07/2018 09:27

You're showing your DS though that this is fine and it's ok to be treated this way for so long. You should have left ages ago and put his needs first.

I don't know any step parent male or female that treats their own and step children identically, it just doesn't happen. They are usually fine (or mask their feelings well) with the step children until their own come along and then everything changes. Sadly, the children often come second as their parents wants come first.

user1499173618 · 29/07/2018 09:33

You can’t make a stepparent have specific feelings towards a stepchild. I am a stepmother and I am extremely responsible but one of my stepchildren has terribly bad manners and it colours my feelings towards him. It’s difficult to love someone who treats others badly.

longwayoff · 29/07/2018 09:37

Its not an issue? It is. Get some family therapy, this will not improve with out action.

Original poster
cricketmum84 · 29/07/2018 09:46

Yes DS is now a teen - he does grunt a lot and isn't usually forthcoming with conversation! DH said that I have a way with him to get him to open up that he can't get.

It's only really been the last year or so that this behaviour has been going on, before this all was fine so as PP have mentioned it could just be teen problems...

Both kids are away with GP for the next few days now so it's a perfect opportunity for me to sit down with DH with no kids around to talk this through properly now the heat has died down from the argument and come up with a plan of action. DS has a therapy session on a Tuesday, it's something school suggested as he was struggling with other things. I want to suggest that DH goes to the session with him next week and they talk together.

OP posts:
Pingipinguin · 29/07/2018 09:49

I feel for you and your DS.
Sounds to me like your DS has only one loving parent while your DD has two...and they're both under the same roof!

Metoodear · 29/07/2018 09:55

BoxsetsAndPopcorn

You're showing your DS though that this is fine and it's ok to be treated this way for so long. You should have left ages ago and put his needs first.

I don't know any step parent male or female that treats their own and step children identically, it just doesn't happen. wrong wrong and wrong

Unfinishedkitchen · 29/07/2018 10:09

Absolute rubbish that all step parents don’t love their step children as much as their own. Some may do that but not all. In fact I know a guy who left his bio child to shack up with OW and treats her kids far better than his bio kid. Bio kid was in hospital recently and the dad didn’t even bother to respond to a message telling him to come to the hospital, however, he finds time to take OW kids on holiday every five minutes and posts pics of ‘his’ family at Christmas wearing matching jumpers.

HPandBaconSandwiches · 29/07/2018 11:01

Please don’t ask him to intrude on DS therapy - it needs to be a safe space for him.
Seperate therapy maybe, but not that.
Does make you wonder how many of DS other issues have a root with feeling second best.
If it were my DH, he’d have a bloody hard time convincing me to stay. He doesn’t have to love them equally, can’t help how he feels, but if he can’t treat them equally it would be game over for me.

Aroundtheworldandback · 29/07/2018 16:17

To the people telling the op to leave, do they think it’s realistic to presume she’ll meet a man who will love her ds as if he were their own?

This upsets me too as kind as he is to my ds, dh does not love him as his own.

Your ds is very lucky to have one amazing parent though, some don’t have that.

Pingipinguin · 29/07/2018 16:53

To the people telling the op to leave, do they think it’s realistic to presume she’ll meet a man who will love her ds as if he were their own?
Agreed. Also what will the affect of splitting the family be on the DD of the OP? Then she'll have two kids who are unhappy

21stCenturyMrsBennett · 29/07/2018 16:55

I think very few step parents feel the same about their step children as they do their own children. Which makes perfect sense, to be honest, and I'm always surprised that anyone would expect them to.

But its not about how they feel, but how they act.

Original poster
cricketmum84 · 29/07/2018 16:58

@Pingipinguin and @Aroundtheworldandback thank you.

I'll be honest once it was said my first thought was to leave. But as you both say a broken family isn't going to make anybody happy.

OP posts:
rinabean · 29/07/2018 17:00

There are people who do this to their actual children, it's still wrong. Separate his reasonable feelings that he is father to one of these children and stepfather to the other from his nasty behaviour.

"To the people telling the op to leave, do they think it’s realistic to presume she’ll meet a man who will love her ds as if he were their own? "

That literally doesn't matter at all. If he were his real dad and mistreating his son, she should still protect her child from that kind of environment.

Crunchymum · 29/07/2018 17:06

My ex boyfriend was a step child who was treated very differently to his sister (bio child of his step dad) and he was one very damaged and messed up man.

His step dad was mean, critical, short tempered with him, showed overt favouritism to the other child, was emotionally abusive.... the step dad would tell people he only had one child, whilst both kids were sat there Shock. The step grandparents wouldn't let him call them nan and granddad.... despite the fact the step dad married his mum when he was 3!!

I met him in his 20's and his home life used to break my heart. My issue was mainly with his mum though as she had let this awful behaviour happen to her child.

Put a stop to it now OP.

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