More of a WWYD but I need answers please.

[FatTory]

New neighbours next door. Been there about eight weeks. I’ve introduced myself and say hello but they keep themselves to themselves. Young couple (early/mid twenties I’d guess) with a baby. I was woken in the middle of the night by shouting screaming and crying. Then there were lots of big crashing like sounds. I’m worried that someone was being hit or had things thrown at them. The woman was the one sobbing hysterically saying “why are you trying to ruin my life”.

They’ve been out all day but I was wondering if I should ask her to come and “help” me with something so I could get her on her own and ask if she needs any help? But what if she was the one being violent? I really don’t know what to do.

If I was you I would keep a diary but keep your nose out for now.

If it was me l would have to quietly give her an opportunity to ask for help...

Maybe try and befriend her?

Actually I would phone nspcc and ask for advice. That's not a good environment for a baby and it's not your job to try and find out what happened, either she's been abused or is abusive but she's unlikely to tell a stranger

Try and be friendlier to her, empathise with the stresses of a young baby, make sure she knows she's got someone close by if needed. Whilst not appropriate this could be a one off row, she might not be coping, the comment could've been assumed at the baby or the partner, she might've found out something (affair etc) and she was throwing stuff. Just don't go in all guns blazing, be open friendly ask her in for coffee, pop round with left over baked goods, fruit/veg from your garden anything that gives you an excuse to pop round preferably when she's home alone

Good ideas, thank you. I’ll try and befriend her then. He works shifts I think but it’s the summer holidays so I’m around and she’s still on maternity so I should be able to get together with her xx

I actually wouldn’t do anything in this instance. It’s one argument, and arguments are part of life. I think suggesting the NSPCC is pretty ridiculous, sorry.

Moving and having a baby are very stressful, but that aside, some people just don’t have good relationships. This doesn’t necessarily necessitate outside help, particularly from strangers or the authorities.

Do you @glintandglide? You've never worked with children exposed to domestic violence then?

The OP didn't make it sound like an mild argument but let's carry on telling her to take the burden when she could, you know, just phone a professional service for the purpose for which it exists ?

Would you be willing to listen to her problems, if she did open up to you? I was going to say you could say to her you know how hard kids can be, and that she's not long moved in, so if she needs anything not to be too afraid or embarrassed to ask. But that could back fire, either through scrounging or getting over involved, say she confided something you felt you had to report to somebody but she begged you not to.

Why do you think an argument is domestic violence?

Erm ... shouting, screaming, crying, the sounds of things smashing???

That's normal to you?

I'd imagine normal healthy argument don't involve screaming, and the bangs could well indicate some form of violence took place. Op has no idea for sure, but dv is a possibility.

I called the police on my neighbours in a similar situation. They didn't thank me as apparently 'she can give as good as she gets'

This was said to the local gossip who made sure I knew.

I'd do it again. Hearing a bad argument + baby screaming is never something I could ignore.

Previous to the baby DH did go round there when they were kicking off, but the time I called the police was much worse. And I was alone. Dickheads.

How do you think an argument happens without shouting screaming or crying? These are the characteristics of an argument. Lots of people are throwers too.

Look, it could be sinister, it might not be. Time will tell. But what on Earth do you think the NSPCC could advise? The suggestion is just bonkers to me. The suggestion of making friends makes a little more sense but probably wont achieve much, in reality.

Crying, screaming, shouting, they don’t bother me. It was the bumps and crashes that worries me. I’ve worked in a role regarding safeguarding children and adults. It takes on average a woman to be asked 17 times if she’s in a DV relationship before she will admit it. I won’t ring anyone just yet but I’ll invite her round for a cuppa. I’m more than happy to listen to her problems xx

Thats how your arguments happen? Screaming and sobbing and throwing things?

Sorry that's not how arguments happen here. Or in fact with anyone else close to me as far as I know- oh accept for my best friend who has a history of dysfunctional relationships but ok

Maybe you don’t know much about arguments sourkid. That’s ok, that makes you lucky.

fattory with all due respect If you have experience in safeguarding children and adults why would you need advice from MN?

I had arguments like this as have my parents. We come from the South continent, that's normal behaviour. Never ever touched or harmed anyone. I'd be horrified if a neighbour thought it warranted trying to be a good samaritans. Nothing more annoying than people who have nothing to do with you feel it their right to provide unrequested emotional support.

Just keep an eye on them and if indeed, you see sign of physical violence or she shows signs of reacting in fear, then report it to the police/SS but stay out of their lives unless she comes to you for help.

How do you think an argument happens without shouting screaming or crying? These are the characteristics of an argument

It's actually really not, I'm sorry. If your arguments involve shouting, screaming and crying then something is wrong.

Yes we can all have a terrible fight sometimes, but shouting screaming and crying are not the charecteristics of an argument.

This is a very tricky situation, and you are presuming she was shouting at him, but she may have been shouting at the baby (I know this sounds awful, and isn't something any of us want to consider, but you have to)
Personally, I think if it was me then I would call NSPCC for some advice/pointers - some of us will be qualified to give you a definitive answer on this - but the majority of us can only give you our opinion - this is one for the experts.

Alright, fight/ argument, whatever. Its still fairly normal. I can believe anyone is suggesting arguments take place at normal voice level with no crying or banging about that’s a discussion, not an argument.

Ive has the same dilemma this week OP. My neighbours had a massive row Saturday night, lots of shouting and banging. I've been worried about her ever since. I've not said anything to her as I'm worried about embarrassing her. They seem fine now, and she always has her Mum and sister dropping in, so I think she has a good support network. It's very difficult though isn't it? I was in an abusive relationship myself and would hate to see someone else go through the same. If it happens again then I will say something.

When you have an argument with someone, you may speak over one another, use an angry tone of voice, even raise your voice, speak faster, that kind of thing, but when you're shouting and screaming and crying that's not and should not be a normal argument. It's not. It's a fight or something else, but it's not an argument.

@Fattory, our posts crossed over, I just saw your reply with your wealth of experience, she's lucky she has you for a neighbour! (Also rather sobering to read the statistic you gave :-( )

If I was her, I would appreciate someone asking me if I was OK. But leave it as simple as that, don’t refer to the specific incident and don’t put any pressure on her to talk to you. But give her the opportunity and say something like ‘I’m always here if you need anything’. Small gestures can mean the world and really what’s the harm in asking if she’s ok? The world has gone mad with all this ‘keep your nose out’ business. There are ways of caring without interfering.

DH and I have belting arguments sometimes. It happens. Some people aren't shouty, some people are. Some people throw things in frustration, some people don't. Arguing is normal.