AIBU to not want to be the 'household manager' anymore?

[FudgeJungle]

First post but long time lurker. I know there are lots of posts like this one, but would like some advice as feel stuck.

For context, both DH and I are teachers, and we have 3 children between 4yrs and 10yrs old. I have recently returned to full time work after nearly 11 years at home as a sahm.

Over this time at home, I've picked up all the childcare admin and all the housework manager type stuff. DH is happy to do housework but has to be told every time and won't notice things need doing unless it is absolutely obvious (i.e. piled up washing up, overflowing washing basket).
I also do all the stereotypical man jobs (sorry to be sexist, but trying to paint a clear picture) so all the DIY, painting, maintenance, fixing, etc.

I have been trying for several months now to get DH to take on more of the 'mental load' of the house and children, now I am at work. My DH is very happy to do any jobs, but I have to tell him everything . I knew there would be a period of adjustment, but he really still waits for me to tell him to do stuff.
I have had growing resentment over it, but two recent conversations have really been the last straw for me. Firstly, he recently went around one of his colleagues houses and commented to me about how dirty it was, and how he wouldn't ever live in a house like that...... but he doesn't use his initiative at home! And secondly, this morning, when I tried yet again to talk to him calmly about using his initiative, he says that I've always done it or told him to do it, and that I can't expect him to know what needs to be done. He said I wouldn't know what he does at work, so how would he know what needs to be done at home.

I was so stressed by the end of term, that I decided for 5 days that I would not do any housework bar getting the kids sorted, cooking and one load of washing up per day. I also did lots of childcare admin during this time, so booking school meals, buying uniform, anything the kids needed etc. I hoped that as things built up around the house, he would see they needed doing and do it, but that didn't happen.

Having said that, for those 5 days, I felt like I'd had a proper break for the first time in a long time, I spent quality time with my kids, I read a whole book, and my brain felt calm - I felt like a new woman. Now, I don't expect to feel like that all the time, but I know that if he did things without me asking, it would really reduce my stress levels.

I don't want a cleaner. There's not so much that needs doing around the house that we can't manage it between us, as long as we are both doing it. My children also have a couple of age-appropriate chores each, like making their own beds, tidy their own toys, so they are a big help.

I said that if I printed out a list of what needed to be done housework-wise, would he look at it, and he said yes, but really I'm not sure that he would. And how do I share childcare admin?

Has anyone managed to crack a system of doing this? Or do I just continue to tell him everything? Why are women so often in this position? AIBU to never do housework again if I feel better for it? What's the point if no one cares but me?

I feel your pain op, I had this conversation with my DH.
We got a cleaner as he wasn't keen on doing more or entertaining the kids while I got on it.

Maybe you are right about the cleaner...... if that has given me the relief it has, then maybe thats the answer.

Not to drip feed, but I've also planned and booked our holiday, planned and booked all the activities on our holiday, and also planned and booked at least 5 other holiday activities for the children for the rest of the summer holiday, whilst he does eff all, on his xbox or phone.

I'm really seeing him in a different light at the moment.

Truthfully? Embrace it. Some teams work best with two equals. Some teams work best with a “manager” and a “scut worker”.

So this afternoon you both need to do the housework needs doing - you need to set up a fool proof rota for the holidays so everyone knows what they are doing when. He needs to clean the loo.

Tomorrow you will sort out the childcare admin, he can clean the kitchen including the unpleasant stain in the microwave.

The point is - you both spend the same amount of time doing housework - it’s just that all your housework involves sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of tea and a laptop whilst his seems to involve rubber gloves.

But remember - equal time. And “managing” is very time consuming,

I said that if I printed out a list of what needed to be done housework-wise, would he look at it, and he said yes, but really I'm not sure that he would
He's said yes so why not give him the chance? It's pointless complaining about him if you won't actually give him the chance. Give him a list, go through it together and allocate tasks. Then stick the list up somewhere obvious and you can both tick things off when done. Sorted. It works for him because he has a visual reminder and knows what's expected, and it works for you because you have only your share to do. Just do it.

Yeah and stop waiting for him to do stuff, tell him what you want him to do.
If he is happy to be told then tell him.
I usually say do you want to do this job or that job? For the routine bits each day that the cleaner doesn't do.
Also I found having a cleaner made us/me tidier as it was easier and more efficient for her to clean if the place was tidy.
Having a deadline is good and you can relax for a couple of days after she has been.

So...he can look around a strangers house and think ‘huh, could do with running the hoover round’ but when it comes to your house he apparently can’t?!

He sounds like my husband except my husband is a SAHD and I work full time. He’s a lazy dickhead and it upsets me a lot that I spend most of my weekends sorting stuff out because it apparently can’t be done in the week by him. Presumably there’s too much tv to watch

Ask him how he would live if you split? Would he live in totally squalor, takeaway to takeaway, with no clean pants? No, he would deal with it.

Sorry OP no idea how to deal with this in reality - I tend to blow up every so often and then he’s ok for a little while....and then the cycle starts again

I'm considering a rota or cleaning schedule. More work for me to set up but I figure it'll make it easier for us both in the long run.

I agree with both mumof and nike - as long as you are both spending the same amount of time doing “house stuff” it won’t be a problem, right?

In other words, say to him “I need you to put a load of washing on, hang out the one that’s in there now, make dinner and sort the kids for bed. I will be here planning our holiday.”

Housework is easy to delegate. Other stuff - planning, admin etc - less so. Delegate more.

If he is not happy with that, ask him why not.

And yes, try the rota. Give him a chance and let him know you’ll be using this as a trial period so he isn’t tempted to use the “but it’s all neeeewwww to me” excuse. If it doesn’t work after 2 weeks, you will be reassessing.

Communicate. I feel for you, it’s really annoying.

More work for me to set up

No it isn’t.

Because setting up (and organising / rearranging) the housework schedule is one of the things on the schedule. It is always under your name but another job (eg cleaning the bathroom) will always be under your husband’s name.

If part of the team don’t have the skills to do the “thinking jobs” then they do more of the work they do have the skills to do. Takes very few skills to clean poo off the loo.

If you’ve previously been a sahm for 11 years, and did everything, then you’ve enabled his uselessness and infantilised him to the point where he doesn’t know where to start. If he’s never had to run a house, or needed to learn, why would he bother? He finds it much easier to shrug helplessly and leave it all to you, while he has fun on his Xbox or whatever!
I think he needs a rude awakening and a crash course in household maintenance. What would he do if you were ill for a month? Or dead?
Use your management skills to list all the required chores and their timescales, eg daily, weekly, for various cleaning, cooking, washing activities. Divide the whole lot fairly in half and give him his own list. Tell him to get on with it and see how he goes. Don’t assist with reminders- let him have full responsibility for his own areas. Let him suffer any consequences, such as no clean shirt for work. He’ll soon learn!

I'd say get a cleaner I'm afraid, this line from your OP says it all Having said that, for those 5 days, I felt like I'd had a proper break for the first time in a long time

At least then, you won't have all that to do.
Then make a list with all the other things that need doing, tell him to pick half of them, or you both pick one each until they're all gone.

Suddenly you feel like a new woman all of the time

Write a list of all the tasks you do. Write a list of what you think he does.

Get him to do the same. Then compare. That might give him a wakeup call.

You are both teachers, so you are used to writing and following long and short term curriculum planning, and maybe planning lessons with a team?
So work with him to write a “house management curriculum” (you taking the role of curriculum leader as you have the experience, but ensure you delegate to your department). You need monthly and weekly planning overviews from which you each take responsibility for an area of the curriculum and your own individual “lesson” plans delivery.

Sounds a bit like your paid jobs but just might make him realise that house management is also a complex and demanding task that should be shared.

The Organised Mum Method.

Print the level 1 tasks. Laminate this and stick to the fridge. This is daily stuff.

Print the level two tasks. Laminate them. These change weekly but again, checklists.

There's no excuse. Whoever does it ricks it off. Daily loaf of washing, tick. Get husband to look at lists and do stuff on them as this is his instructions as to what needs doing, when.

It's made my life a truckload easier during term time in particular. My DH I very willing but needs direction in terms of non immediate tasks. The checklists suit his way of working.

Kids strip their own beds together on Tuesdays, and are learning to make them. Eldest (9) Hoovers with the cordless Dyson, youngest dusts.

My saying? Its not just my house. It's ours. We all need to look after it.

Please excuse the fat fingers...

Thank you everyone for your comments. Given me plenty to think about.

I will give the list/rota another go, but I might delegate specific tasks to him and me, giving him more cleaning, and me more child admin stuff, especially as I have the most contact with the kids school. If that fails, I will tell him to sort out a cleaner.

So...he can look around a strangers house and think ‘huh, could do with running the hoover round’ but when it comes to your house he apparently can’t?! Yes, gave me the bloody rage!

then you’ve enabled his uselessness and infantilised him to the point where he doesn’t know where to start. Yeah I agree with you, a monster of my own creation.

I like your idea too redexpat.

Thank you everyone. Lots to try.

Not to drip feed, but I've also planned and booked our holiday, planned and booked all the activities on our holiday, and also planned and booked at least 5 other holiday activities for the children for the rest of the summer holiday, whilst he does eff all, on his xbox or phone.

One thing I would do just to help him understand how much you're working while he's playing is to sit next to him and pepper him with questions while you do the planning. Literally check every decision with him. Get him sharing the mental load rather than just checking out of the process.

I sympathize, OP. DH and me had a huge row about exactly this issue this morning. For me, it’s been seven years as a SAHM and now I’m back full time working. Suddenly he’s having to think about school pick up, or dropping the DC at school before work. It’s been a shock to him (not sure why!).

I am sick of carrying the family mental load. I’ve organized all birthdays, Christmases, presents, parties, family days out etc since I can remember. To be fair, I enjoy some of this but it would be nice if he even showed an interest, or helped wrap the presents one in a blue moon. One Christmas he got annoyed on December 23rd that he hadn’t had time to buy me a present! I had a toddler and baby at home and yes, was a SAHM, but it wasn’t like a shopping trip wasn’t a Herculean effort between naps and nappies and tiredness and teething and God knows what else. He works in an office with the internet. Would it really have been so hard?

I’m giving it until Xmas for him to buck up his ideas. We shall see. I haven’t ruled out separating. All school stuff falls to me, uniform buying, letters, reply slips, teacher liaison. Thankfully I’ve trained his DP out of contacting me when they really want him. Anyway, OP.

Good idea Semster!

Whyohsky, sorry it is the same for you. Yeah I have full responsibility of christmas and birthdays too, although I've very recently dropped doing cards for DH's side of the family after reading a comment on here, and stopped organising visits with his family too which have gone from around every 2 months, to not having seen them all year so far. And exactly, shopping with kids is no fun at all.

I would use a whiteboard. Just write on it the things that need doing, once a week ( I know it means you thinking of them in the first place but if you are lucky maybe he will get the hang of it....) and he can wipe them off as he does them. If it is a daily task you could put them on in permanent marker perhaps. When I was in a bad place about 18 months ago (bereavement plus extremely painful condition requiring huge doses of strong painkillers) I found it difficult to remember things and had a huge number of important things to do, my whiteboard was my lifeline. It meant I didn't have to remember what to do, I just put things on there as they came up and put the whiteboard where I couldn't miss it.

I don't mind sorting a few Christmas extras for my in laws, and I've always bought for Bruce's and nephews but DH does all their birthdays, cards and main presents. Not my responsibility.

I'm gradually sorting it but I find with mine if he's given a list he'll do it. So I sorted the laminated sheets and a whiteboard pen....& now stuff gets done.

I'm back doing more hours again this year and haven't ruked out a cleaner if it gets too much. For all his domestic cluelessness, he's a star, and is very hands on with ironing, bins, cooking and the kids. Just needs a tweak, but the jump back after bring a SAHM was tough.

The organised mum method definitely helps. And by it being some tasks each weekday, the weekends don't feel full of crappy housework.

OP, if you are manager and he is worker and he doesn't object to that set up then he needs to do more of the actual work to compensate. So he does more than 50% of the housework, childcare etc that way your load is equalised. Perhaps a 70/30 split is more accurate if you are also taking on 100% of the mental load.

I've just done a rota of daily and weekly stuff, and a second list of monthly or so things, with checkboxes, going to laminate it too, great idea!
I've gone through it with him, and he's happy too. The housework balance is tipped in his direction and the children's admin bits and bobs tipped to mine. Feel really positive about it.

I might also try and share more of the less often jobs like christmas - maybe I plan and send him out to get it, or give him more responsibility for sorting stuff, or I buy, he wraps. Something like that.

Really appreciate everyones comments, and sorry so many people are in the same boat.

That's great OP you are inspiring me ( both work FT, Dh does 50% ish of grunt work, but I do at least 80% of planning)

he says that I've always done it or told him to do it

if he knows you do it - then he knows that task exists and he needs to do his bit.
if you've told him to do it - then he knows that task exists and he needs to do his bit.

i think he's deliberately playing dumb to browbeat you into just doing it all yourself for the sake of a peaceful life.

how about not doing his cooking, cleaning etc, not including/telling him about trips/holidays that you arrange with your dc? let him find out for himself at the last minute - being left behind will force him to know these things exist and need his input too.