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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this controlling behaviour or AIBU?

54 replies

user1499434529 · 28/07/2018 13:31

Don't want to drip feed so a bit of background. My DH is 8 years older and I met him just before I turned 20. We have been together for 9 years, 2 young children. Throughout our relationship he has made most decisions and every time I started a new hobby or made my own friends he would call me selfish and accuse me of not wanting to spend time with him and because I hate conflict I always gave in and stopped whatever it was, for example going to the gym, couch 2 5k running group, PTFA meetings etc.
I started a new job in January which has been met with the same protests but since I'm not quitting there are always new things that I'm being moaned at for, and I'm reaching the end of my tether.
I became a vegetarian in April and since there are 2 people at work that are veggie too I'm faced with comments that I'm being a sheep, following people at work and wanting to be like them instead of being my own person. DH is constantly trying to get me to eat meat despite the fact that I tried to explain how I feel and why I don't want to.
There are many other things that I would like to do but am told I need to focus on him and the kids and if I want to do things on my own it'll be the reason we break up.
Trouble is, am I being unreasonable for wanting to make decisions about my own body and hobbies or am I selfish for wanting to change some things?
I feel like I am treated like a child and when I spoke to him about it he said he is only looking after me and that he tells me what to do because otherwise I'll make mistakes.
It's been going on for so long I genuinely don't know if AIBU for feeling this isn't right?

OP posts:
Equalityumber · 28/07/2018 13:43

I’m so sorry but he is abusing you. You must try and leave this marriage as he will only get worse.

chickenowner · 28/07/2018 13:45

You are not being selfish or unreasonable. He is abusing you.

Bambamber · 28/07/2018 13:45

YANBU he is very controlling and no it isn't right. Please leave him and starting doing things you enjoy

usernameismyusername · 28/07/2018 13:46

Yanbu. You were young and he was older than you, he knew he could influence you easily and has bullied you non stop.
Get out of the relationship and live your life.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/07/2018 13:47

Yes he is very controlling, it is a form of abuse. Maybe it is a blessing in disguise if you break up, he sounds awful.

kikashi · 28/07/2018 13:50

Of course it's controlling behaviour. Is he a jailer or headworker? Take a look at this (especially page 3/4):
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/freedomprog-chapter2.pdf

Mishappening · 28/07/2018 13:51

If doing your own things will make him leave you; then just do your opwn things and wave him goodbye.

At what age do you think it is OK to have your own life and your own opinions? I think it is right now!

Armadillostoes · 28/07/2018 13:56

YANBU-I agree with the posters so far. This is really nasty, abusive behaviour. The comment about you making mistakes is one of many massive red flags. It suggests that he believes himself to be superior on a number of levels. Not only is this toxic for you, what kind of messages are your children absorbing?

DeadGood · 28/07/2018 14:01

“he tells me what to do because otherwise I'll make mistakes.”

I don’t mean to make light of tourney situation OP, but this comment would have me laughing in his face.

He is definitely controlling, I could not put up with that for a solitary day. Leave him. Best of luck.

CarrotandSwede · 28/07/2018 14:04

It is perfectly ok and normal to have your own hobbies and opinions in a relationship. He has took advantage of you and is being controlling and abusive.

BunsOfAnarchy · 28/07/2018 14:05

Incredibly controlling! Jesus how have u survived giving up things you enjoy?

He wants to control what you eat too..now that is beyond taking the piss.

Basically what hes saying is he will leave you if you have your own voice.

Find your voice and let him leave if he wishes.

GabriellaMontez · 28/07/2018 14:08

He's Controlling and abusive.

Shoxfordian · 28/07/2018 14:15

He's abusive and controlling towards you
Can you leave him? Would you ever think about it? Freedom is good op

IAintEvenBovveredThough · 28/07/2018 14:24

Abuse & control OP. You need to nip it in the bud and get shot of him now before you lose yourself completely. You're not here to please him and dance to his tune whenever he clicks his fingers, do what YOU want. Tell him you'll decide what you do from now on without the shitty little comments or he knows where the door is. If he isn't happy with that tell him to bugger off and live your life doing whatever makes you happy without the guilt trip.

arranfan · 28/07/2018 14:24

Previous PPs have recommended the Freedom Programme as do I.

Mumsnet discussion of Lundy's Abuser Profiles is very useful

YouBetterWORK · 28/07/2018 14:31

Controlling nasty bastard alert. Sorry OP. Run run run.

user1499434529 · 28/07/2018 14:39

Thank you for all the replies, I was starting to feel like I'm crazy and unreasonable. Just had him have a go at me because he brought up that I shouldn't have an allotment- two of us at work had a look at getting one (individually) and he feels like I want to go off with them and I want to f**k off and do my own thing, although I want to do it as a family and involve the kids in growing vegetables and fruit, etc.
He wanted me to give it up and not do it so I just said to him I don't want to and he flipped and has now taken the kids in the car apparently to go get something to eat and I should just do whatever I want.
What the hell do I do now?

OP posts:
Equalityumber · 28/07/2018 14:41

Can you leave him, is there somewhere for you to go?

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 28/07/2018 14:42

You start gathering information and put passports and important documents away.

He has groomed you to be completely subservient to him and now you’re starting to get a life back, he doesn’t like it. This behaviour will only get worse unless you back down and start behaving the way he wants you to.

WineAndTiramisu · 28/07/2018 14:42

I'd continue doing what you want, he can either get used to it or leave. He's trying to control you, but you don't have to let him!

RabbitsAreTasty · 28/07/2018 14:45

You can't grow as a person unless you push yourself and make some mistakes Confused

What makes him the god of all knowledge anyway?

Definitely do the Freedom programme.

Also, as soon as you can find the nerve, start getting used to the idea of doing whatever the hell you want without seeking his approval.

Get going doing things on your own because now you've started to see how controlling he is, you can't unsee it. Make sure you have a good life independently of him. Friends, clubs, work, nuture those parts of life.

user1499434529 · 28/07/2018 14:46

If I leave him, what about the kids? I don't know when they are coming back? Don't know where I could go, might be able to ask a friend. The issue is that the friends are really his friends, not mine, so he is always the perfect person. Feeling overwhelmed at the moment.

OP posts:
Riv · 28/07/2018 14:46

You take advantage of him being out and make a start on Diana’s suggestions- begin to get together information you may need if you need to leave, or read up on the Freedom Programme and work out if it is appropriate to you.

Shoxfordian · 28/07/2018 14:47

Do you have any family you can go to? Can you call womens aid for advice?

worstmotherintheworld · 28/07/2018 14:52

Very controlling. Does he have any hobbies or interests of his own? He sounds insanely jealous of whatever you become interested in.

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