Is this controlling behaviour or AIBU?

[user1499434529]

Don't want to drip feed so a bit of background. My DH is 8 years older and I met him just before I turned 20. We have been together for 9 years, 2 young children. Throughout our relationship he has made most decisions and every time I started a new hobby or made my own friends he would call me selfish and accuse me of not wanting to spend time with him and because I hate conflict I always gave in and stopped whatever it was, for example going to the gym, couch 2 5k running group, PTFA meetings etc.
I started a new job in January which has been met with the same protests but since I'm not quitting there are always new things that I'm being moaned at for, and I'm reaching the end of my tether.
I became a vegetarian in April and since there are 2 people at work that are veggie too I'm faced with comments that I'm being a sheep, following people at work and wanting to be like them instead of being my own person. DH is constantly trying to get me to eat meat despite the fact that I tried to explain how I feel and why I don't want to.
There are many other things that I would like to do but am told I need to focus on him and the kids and if I want to do things on my own it'll be the reason we break up.
Trouble is, am I being unreasonable for wanting to make decisions about my own body and hobbies or am I selfish for wanting to change some things?
I feel like I am treated like a child and when I spoke to him about it he said he is only looking after me and that he tells me what to do because otherwise I'll make mistakes.
It's been going on for so long I genuinely don't know if AIBU for feeling this isn't right?

Don't rush to leave. You've survived this long so you can survive a bit longer. Don't rock the boat at home, instead take the time to plan your exit calmly. Look for somewhere for you & the kids to live. Sort your finances out. Gather copies of important paperwork. Open your own bank accounts etc. if necessary and transfer funds. Make all the preparations so that you can then move cleanly.
(And I think an allotment with the kids would be great - an idea for your new future)

Do you have any family support op? Xx

He'll be back with the kids, he just wants to scare you into subservience.

If I were you, I'd start making an exit plan.

@category12 it's working. I was determined that I'm not going to let him do this again, and after he left started putting some spare clothes in a bag but now I'm panicking and have started to think that I'm wrong and need to apologise when he gets back.

Apologise for what? Wanting to grow your own veg is a great idea. Cheaper food. Exercise. Fun for the kids. Other posters have said it better. You are an adult and can do what you want. You don't need anyone's permission.

You need to leave him. Seriously. He’ll destroy you.

YANBU OP. He is being controlling and abusive. His age has nothing to do with it. My DH is older than me but would never treat me as if I'm a child incapable of making my own decisions.
Definitely think about where this relationship is going because he's not going to change. He will only get more controlling.

Don't rush off and leave him right this very minute - you need to make plans first and you need to take the dc with you. Say absolutely nothing to him for the moment, I'm sure loads of people will be along soon with advice about how to do this.

I kept telling myself things will get better, but they don't.
He just messaged this
"Sort out what you want a life with us or without us if you want it with your friends from work or whatever stop hiding things stop deceiving tell me things always come out in the end I want to do more things together for you not to be away from us if you want to start growing veg start on a small scale and a couple of years time then you can move to a bigger scale but see how it goes first"
He said that the fact that I went to see the allotment and didn't tell him as soon as I went is lying and deceiving him.
I can't go on like this, what can I do? I'm now feeling guilty thinking that wanting to keep the allotment is selfish? Is he right that I should just have a couple of pots in the garden and not do the allotment?

Reply 'things cannot go on like this. We need to have a serious talk' and then no more texts. Take back control.

@Sparkletastic I would like to be confident enough to do that, but always chicken out, the thought of confronting him feels awful. What would I even say when he got back? I do need to have a serious talk and tell him I'm not happy to carry on like this, but how?
Burying my head in the sand was how I previously dealt with things like these, and giving in, doing what he wants.

You are not being selfish. His behaviour is not normal - normal people do not demand their partners prioritise them, criticise their choices, accuse them of being dishonest.

He has gaslighted you into believing having your own choices is selfish because he doesn't want you to know what being a normal person in a normal relationship is like.

I guarantee he will try to grind you down by saying things you do are selfish or proof of your 'dishonesty'. Don't even defend accusations, you don't owe him wasting energy on fights about non-existent things. Just say 'I am not hiding anything from you, I'm not arguing about this, the point we need to talk about is_.'

Good luck.

Starting on a small scale with an allotment would be getting a half sized plot. Growing in a couple of pots in the garden takes different skills - it's a bit like saying "I'd like to grow most of our own vegetables so I'll start on a small scale and buy a cactus instead".

People in healthy relationships have their family and their friends from work and their other friends and their own activities. He wants to be the centre (and the entirety) of your universe.

If he wants the family to do more family things, then he could pitch in with the allotment for a start. It doesn't have to be you giving up activities to be with the family, it could be him taking on activities to be with you. And that would enrich his life.

No he is not right, he is controlling and abusive. In a couple of years time there would be another excuse and you know this!

You probably need to sit down and have a clear think about what you want out of life because he's never going to change.

As pp have said it would do no harm to be prepared. Make sure you have important documentation (passports for you and DC's, driving licence etc somewhere safe). When he is out make copies of all important documentation (bank statements, pay slips, tax returns, insurance policies etc) and make an appointment to see a solicitor who specialises in divorce). It will give you an idea of how you would stand financially.

Men like him can be awful when challenged, and when they realise they have lost control of you, and do awful abusive things so be very careful how you proceed.

When you know how you stand then you will need to decide how you want to proceed.

If you haven't already got one, open your own bank account and save some money in there so you wouldn't be left without means if he ramps up his abusive behaviour. If he controls all money then you can get cash back each time you shop/get petrol etc and start building up an bit of a financial cushion.

As you are married all assets acquired during the relationship are shared even if your name isn't on the deeds of the house, car paperwork etc etc.

"The allotment is a fun and learning experience to do with the dc, and you, if you wanted to: I don't understand why you're so against it. We'd all benefit from the fresh food, from the fresh air and exercise. Instead of waiting a couple of years, why don't we try this and see how it pans out."

You are not leaving today!

Play the long game. Make a plan. See a solicitor. If you decide it's over. Leave with the children at your convenience. With all documentation you need.

If you feel unsafe leave or ring the police.

Normal people have friends interests.famiies work etc...

What are your child care arrangements?

Send the text. You do not have to spend 100% of your free time with him. Teaching the children to grow veg is a fabulous way to spend family time. Why can he not see this? Are you supposed to sit at home and wait for him to be there whilst smiling sweetly?

His behaviour is unreasonable. Don’t let him enslave you anymore, OP. You can still be an amazing mum whilst having hobbies!

Abusive and controlling to the nth degree.
Reasonable and affable - until he doesn't get exactly what he wants when he wants it. Hobbies, friends, employment - he's deliberately (tried to) cut you off from all these things and now he's threatening you with him forcing you out of your home, your children, your belongings - he's implying that unless you comply with exactly what he demands he will strip you of everything you hold dear?
Reply to all future 'arguments' and demands with absolute calm and non committal statements.
At the same time - get help - reach out to trusted people (your parents? Siblings? Your boss - workplaces have procedures for employees in domestically abusive situations? Women's aid? The police - this abuse is about coercion and control - which is a criminal offence)
Open your own private bank account and ringfence your funds
See a solicitor
Do this in absolute secrecy - ducks in a row - (get him out) or get out with the children and divorce him.

The freedom programme is great for clearing your mind and giving you tips on how to get out, if that's what you choose to do.

Good god OP. This is awful reading.

Keep calm. Do not apologise. Start gathering those documents. Don’t reply to his text.

When he gets back, do not argue with him. Just stay calm, do not engage in angry talk or apologies. Just have a “I don’t understand why you’re angry, there’s nothing wrong” sort of vibe.

Do you think there is any chance he could be violent?

Just say l'm sorry you feel like that but lm happy to go ahead with it and lm sure the kids will love it. Don't explain yourself too much as you can make plans for the family as well. These guys will talk you out of it if you try to justify it so pick one sentence and keep saying it...eg lm sorry you feel that way OR we will have to agree to disagree on this one.
You have been strong about the job now be strong again. As an older woman l have always had my hobbies and so have all my friends. You are doing nothing wrong.
Listen this guy will not want to lose you as a wife..he is making empty threats..l would bet on that...just continue whatever you are doing at home and don't put yourself out too much. He is not God..he doesn't get to call it.

OP, your partner sounds EXACTLY like mine, and your responses to him sound exactly like mine, right down to burying your head in the sand and hoping they would go away. I was even the same worrying about what would happen to our friends, because they were mostly his friends. As it happened, some of them did drift away, but quite a lot of them turned out not to like him all that much either, and stayed as my friends. Plus, i got new friends, that didnt need to be vetted by him.

GAbriellaMontez and SistersofMercy are spot on. You do not have to walk out today. Play the long game. Get some money stashed away, sort out your paperwork, look at benefit entitlements and childcare options. One day soon, once you have made those preparations, i promise you, you will feel ready to sit back and either leave yourself, or tell your DH to leave.

His behaviour is controlling and abusive. Trust me, you will get to a point where you are more angry than scared by this, and that will be the time to go.

Tell him to fuck off

I am so sorry he is behaving like this. He is 100% wrong. You do not stop loving him or your children because you are growing things or making new friends. In fact, he is frightened he will not be able to control you, and you will eventually outgrow his kind of ‘love’ and ‘care’.

You are equals in this relationship regardless of how old you are. Well done on the job. Keep holding your own, you can see how good it is for you to mix with others. Do not argue, talk or make a big deal about the allotment. Just tell him to stop making a fuss and a big deal about it. Tell him, you are doing it, end of.

Do not fall pregnant to this man until you are sure he will not use baby 3 to keep you where he wants you. Firstly, do the Freedom Prog. Then think about your options.

When he comes home just be calm and get on with the chores. Don’t get into an argument about him going.He will just want to paint you are the villain.

@user1499434529
Relationships grow, as people within them do. Can your DH grow though? It doesn't seem so, as any change you make he tries to destroy. There is nothing wrong with what you are doing, and I agree with @Category12 in that you can invite him to be a part of it as you grow and change. If he doesn't want to though, that is his choice and you may find that you are growing apart.