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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel angry towards my partner who has decided no more children?!

54 replies

Mamabear1986 · 28/07/2018 08:20

We have 3 little boys and sadly our 4th son was still born in May.
My partner initially agreed to trying for another baby as soon as we got the go ahead. Now, after a stressful day with my eldest he has said he definitely doesn't want anymore. He has said how lucky we are to have the children we already have, which I understand but it doesn't stop the feeling that I want 1 more.
Now, today after asking me why I was in a mood, he said that he might want another in the future, just not now.
I hate how he is playing with my emotions. We have been through a very difficult time with losing our son and now he is adding to the turmoil by chopping and changing his mind.
If he said no more kids right from the start then I wouldn't be feeling so angry but the fact that he said yes, then no, yes, then no is driving me crazy!

OP posts:

AlphaBravo · 28/07/2018 08:22

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HellenaHandbasket · 28/07/2018 08:25

Go easy on him, you are both suffering.

Cleaningthefours · 28/07/2018 08:25

It's 2 months after your baby died. You're both going to be all over the place. You're both grieving.

Blackteadrinker77 · 28/07/2018 08:25

You have to respect that he gets a say as well. It has to be a mutual decision to have another child.

HolyMountain · 28/07/2018 08:26

I cannot begin to imagine how traumatic and grief stricken you both must be.

It’s only been 2 months since you lost your baby, you’re both still in shock and mourning I imagine.

Take care.

FoodGloriousFud · 28/07/2018 08:26

I agree that you need to understand that he's grieving too. He lost a child too, I can't imagine how horrendous that was for you both and for him to see how much pain you were in. It's all still very raw for you both, give him time.

bridgetreilly · 28/07/2018 08:28

I hate how he is playing with my emotions. We have been through a very difficult time with losing our son and now he is adding to the turmoil by chopping and changing his mind.

He is not playing with your emotions, he is dealing with his own emotions. Give him a break. And also, maybe both of you need to not be making any big decisions like this for a while. Put the subject off the table for six months or so.

OrdinarySnowflake · 28/07/2018 08:29

I'm sorry for your loss.

Neither of you should make firm, permanent decisions for another couple of months. You both have to grieve. Don't push him for a definite yes or no for a couple of months, let him recover.

user1490465531 · 28/07/2018 08:31

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longwayoff · 28/07/2018 08:32

Im sorry for your loss. This isnt the time to make the decision, you are both still emotionally all over the place. Give it 6 months or so.

underneaththeash · 28/07/2018 08:33

I'd feel like your OH too.

Syfychannel · 28/07/2018 08:34

Some counselling might help you both at this time. Its very difficult to go through such a difficult thing and can drive a wedge between you as a couple.
My dh parents had a still born baby and my elderly FiL still talks sadly about that all these years later. So don't try to rush into anything give yourselves both time to grieve and recover.

Cherubfish · 28/07/2018 08:38

OP, it's natural for you to feel angry, this is a recognised part of the grieving process for your son. Please try not to take it out on your DH.

MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni · 28/07/2018 08:43

I'm really sorry to hear of your loss OP. It must be heartbreaking. I do think you need to be kind to each other and try to avoid making major decisions at the moment. Easier said than done I know.

Quartz2208 · 28/07/2018 08:45

I am sorry for your loss

But I agree with PP you are looking at it completely from your perspective that he is doing this to play with your emotions.

Which unless there is a massive backstory is simply not true. He is dealing with grief as well and therefore is unsure what he wants which is why he is up and down.

What is clear is that you need time to grieve and start the healing process before you make this decision.

timeisnotaline · 28/07/2018 08:46

It was only in May! I know you are grieving but so is he. Yabu I’m afraid. He’s not your enemy and if you treat him that way with such a traumatic event as losing a child then there might not be a relationship to have a 4th baby into so you should apologise if you’ve had a go at him about this and look at some counselling to help.
I’m truly sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how it feels, but he is hurting too.

sugarPlumFairly · 28/07/2018 08:48

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Kintan · 28/07/2018 08:48

So so sorry for your loss. It must be incredibly hard for you both. Be kind to one another and I wish you all the best x

IceCreamFace · 28/07/2018 08:51

Really sorry to hear about your loss. I think he's probably suffering too and just isn't sure what he wants. I do think with that in mind his idea of waiting and seeing how he feels when the dust settles is a good one, but obviously frustrating for you.

strawberrisc · 28/07/2018 08:51

I think he’s being honest and sensible. So sorry for your loss.

SJ27290 · 28/07/2018 09:08

I'm so sorry for your loss. So heartbreaking for both of you I can't even imagine.

I don't think making any hard and fast decisions is a sensible idea while you are both so raw. Remember he is going through his own grief so don't be too hard on him. I don't think he is playing games or trying to mess with your mind. Give it a year or so and see how you both feel, it seems like talking about it over and over again isn't productive or helpful in your grief so perhaps maybe put it on the back burner for now?

SugarIsAmazing · 28/07/2018 09:11

Maybe he's scared it might happen again.
Give it time xx

Original poster

Mamabear1986 · 28/07/2018 09:17

Thanks for everyone's replies. Can i just add that I have not fallen out with him nor have I asked him if he wants another one or not. What had happened was after we lost our son he said he would still like us to have another baby. He imagined us with 4 and wanted a 4th child at home with us. We had no intentions of trying yet but it was good to know that we were both wanting the same thing. A few weeks later he has randomly said he isn't sure if we would cope with another, bearing in mind we had this discussion so many times before trying for our last son and decided we would be just fine.
Few days after he says he wants another baby to then say again he doesn't. I understand we are both grieving and it is early days still.

OP posts:

Bluelady · 28/07/2018 09:21

It's your grief that's driving you crazy. Two months is nothing. You must both be feeling so raw, so vulnerable with pain so bad you don't know what to do with yourselves. I know, I've been there.

Give yourself time to recover. You can't replace the baby you lost and you need time to grieve and come to terms with the tragedy you've experienced. If I were you I'd stop even thinking about another pregnancy for a bit.

I'm so sorry for your loss. 💐

Echobelly · 28/07/2018 09:21

Yes, go easy on one another, no one needs to be making decisions now I think. I'm sorry for your loss.

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