Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel angry towards my partner who has decided no more children?!

54 replies

Mamabear1986 · 28/07/2018 08:20

We have 3 little boys and sadly our 4th son was still born in May.
My partner initially agreed to trying for another baby as soon as we got the go ahead. Now, after a stressful day with my eldest he has said he definitely doesn't want anymore. He has said how lucky we are to have the children we already have, which I understand but it doesn't stop the feeling that I want 1 more.
Now, today after asking me why I was in a mood, he said that he might want another in the future, just not now.
I hate how he is playing with my emotions. We have been through a very difficult time with losing our son and now he is adding to the turmoil by chopping and changing his mind.
If he said no more kids right from the start then I wouldn't be feeling so angry but the fact that he said yes, then no, yes, then no is driving me crazy!

OP posts:
Yogagirl123 · 28/07/2018 09:21

So sorry, how devastating for you. It’s early days, take some time to think and enjoy the family you have in the meantime. It must be so raw for you both at the moment. Flowers.

MarthasGinYard · 28/07/2018 09:23

Yes YABU

But I think in time you will realise that too.

You are both grieving Thanks

CardsforKittens · 28/07/2018 09:24

Flowers So sorry for your loss.

I agree that this is probably his way of managing his grief and that it's important to try to understand how and why he's saying these things.

But I also think it's important for him to try to understand why you want to try again, and why his declarations about not having any more children are hurtful to you.

It's unbelievably painful, and understanding needs to go both ways.

Ballora · 28/07/2018 09:26

I'm very sorry for your loss but you both need to grieve before you can even have this discussion Flowers

museumum · 28/07/2018 09:27

I think it’s a good thing that your both being open about this and he’s discussing his feelings both way. Unless he’s got firm for being an arse I wouldn’t say he’s playing with your emotions, I’d say he’s being open about his own emotions. Often conflicted. Which is totally understandable.

Alb1 · 28/07/2018 09:30

So sorry about your son OP. My daughter was stillborn and we agreed straight away we wanted to have another, it gave me hope and something to aim for one day, so I can imagine how awful it must feel to have that taken away, then given back etc, I just needed stability and nothing else to change in the early days.

Try and be kind to eachother though, he obviously doesn't no what he wants yet and it isn't a decision that needs to be made right now so maybe try and agree to not discuss it for a couple of months?

I hope things work out for you Flowers

WarPigeon · 28/07/2018 09:35

Men tend to get sidelined or forgotten when it comes to child loss, we grieve as well a lot of us are just bullocks at showing it. Sorry for your loss, just give it time.

Minniemountain · 28/07/2018 09:39

Losing a child can make you reassess.
It's not the same exactly but I miscarried planned DC2. Immediately after, I wanted to try again. The GP said to wait for 3 months, by which point the whole thing had sunk in a bit more, DH and I were able to have a better chat and we decided to not try again.
Give him time.

MarthasGinYard · 28/07/2018 09:39

'Men tend to get sidelined or forgotten when it comes to child loss,'

Very true

Mrsmadevans · 28/07/2018 09:46

I really feel for you both but now is not the right time to be talking about another DC , you both need time to grieve.

Penisbeakerismyfavethread · 28/07/2018 10:01

Op we lost our LO at the end of the second trimester 10 months
I still go between we need to have another baby now, to I am never having children again. Grief is an awful thing.

Penisbeakerismyfavethread · 28/07/2018 10:02

Your DP nbu

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 28/07/2018 10:05

YABU, he is dealing with his emotions so being moody with him won't help.

A loss can make people reassess, I know plenty who changed their mind about TTC after one as they realised how grateful they were for their existing children etc.

lindalee3 · 28/07/2018 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SadMummy85 · 28/07/2018 10:12

I hear you, OP. A desperate need for a baby in your arms.

BishopBrennansArse · 28/07/2018 10:14

After losing out first DD at 22+5 11 years ago the urge to be pregnant again was almost primal. Wasn't to replace her, there's still a hole in our family where she should be, but I can't explain it. It wasn't rational at all. Fortunately DH was of the same mind and we had DD one year later.

Right now it's all turmoil for both you and DH. Give yourselves time and space and things may change. Or it may not. But further down the line it may be easier to discuss and come to some agreement. Now probably isn't the best time to do that, though.

SadMummy85 · 28/07/2018 10:14

@lindalee3 that's really uncalled for.

ShakeVigorously · 28/07/2018 10:17

I completely understand where you are coming from, you want what you "should" have had.
It's very difficult for you to give 2 shits about what anyone else feels at this difficult time.
But your DP is grieving too, and maybe he's more afraid of having to see you go through such a heartbreaking situation again, rather than not wanting to try again.
Your feelings will change frequently as time goes on but for now hold onto each other and get through these dark days Thanks

BishopBrennansArse · 28/07/2018 10:17

There are a lot of quite harsh and uncalled for posts on this thread.

ShakeVigorously · 28/07/2018 10:18

@lindalee3 she has lost her son!!! How dare you Angry

SadMummy85 · 28/07/2018 10:20

I agree @bishop, OP maybe you should ask for this thread to be moved to bereavement or loss, more likely to be people there who understand where you are at?

Alb1 · 28/07/2018 10:23

linda you're horrible, and clearly have no understanding of child loss, so maybe don't post on threads about it.

Original poster
Mamabear1986 · 28/07/2018 10:41

@Linda we planned for 4 babies. We had 4 babies but one of our darling little boys was sadly taken from us. I don't want to replace him. There is just a gap. No, I don't want to keep trying for a girl! I want another baby. Boy or girl. Just a baby, here with us!
@Sadmummy85 correct me if I'm wrong but are you on the sands forum also?

I get we are both grieving. I just feel so desperate to have a baby in my arms again. I don't want to replace my son by any means but there is a massive void at the moment.

I feel cheated. We got right to the end of the pregnancy for it all to snatched away from us. It was so unexpected. We had so many plans.

OP posts:
purplestrawberry2 · 28/07/2018 10:50

Havent read full thread, apologies. Firstly so sorry for your loss - you are both likely grieving and these things can be hard. I went through a difficult time with dh following a miscarriage about whether we would have another. We didnt talk openly enough and so it hurt me when he went from "not now" to "not ever". once we got to clear the air, as painful as it was, it was ok. Take time and be kind to yourself and each other xx

MatildaTheCat · 28/07/2018 10:51

Anger is a very normal part of grief. Like many others have said, try to agree to reassess in x number of months and not discuss until then?

Then keep going on going on. Are you getting professional support at all?