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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that quality of life was so much better before

54 replies

Icantgetnosleep000 · 28/07/2018 05:10

I love my 9 month old dc1. He brings daily joy to my life

But right now I've had enough

It's probably the heat and the fact I'm abroad at family home where we can't shut Windows or blinds for fear of suffocating

But I used to come here pre baby and have a wonderful relaxing re energising time

This week all I've done is try to get him to sleep four times a day in a hot room

At night he wakes regularly from2-3am so my day is effectively starting then

He just wants to BF or play around with boobs constantly. It's not like he's even happy when he wakes as he's so tired

My DH hasn't joined us yet so despite family help, I'm feeling alone and at breaking point. I'm walking around in a haze from lack of sleep. My days involve just gettin through the hours until bedtime. I'm up patting his bum, being used as a human dummy and crying myself from 3am.

I used to have such a wonderful time here. It's been turned on its head and I honestly can't see any good, just endless days where I navigate from one failed nap to the next.

So AIBU to think, in this sleep deprived moment, that despite the love I feel, and the joyful moments, that objectively quality of personal life pre baby is much much better Sad I'm so sad I feel this way but I think I'm just being realistic. I won't let those feelings pass across to him

OP posts:
Teachtolive · 28/07/2018 05:22

It can be a tough thing to.come to terms with. Yes, life.was easier without children and what's more it was your choice to have them BUT there is nothing quite like it. It's absolutely amazing to look at your child grow, do all the things you've taught him, love you in that way that only children can. It's hard now, and on holidays especially, it's also normal to grieve your old life to an extent, but as they grow it gets easier again Flowers

DeadGood · 28/07/2018 05:25

Yup, it’s really hard.
The good news is that they don’t stay babies for long (this is also, of course, quite sad news) so it gets easier.
Being on holiday with a baby is extremely tough, especially if you are spending your nights protecting other family members from any crying they may hear.
Try to ask for a bit more help. Get someone to take him for a walk while you have a nap or just putter around, ideally a few times a day. Anyone going to the shops? Take the baby. Sitting outside? Here’s the baby.
It gets easier when you ask for help - hope your family can step up.
Good luck x

fia101 · 28/07/2018 05:27

I'm on baby no.3 and I never holiday with a newborn. In my experience - way easier to stay at home with all your things there. Yep- you do have to make adjustments to your life and it can be hard (I've been up since 2 with baby and the 3 year old will be in at 6 wanting breakfast so no lie in) it's learning what works for you.

My husband is desperate to go to his family holiday home with family. He can take the kids and go in his own but no way am I going with a newborn. Stressing about her crying at night, not having everything I need, not being able to slob about in pjs if needs be. Give it a couple of months it does get easier I promise.

NonaGrey · 28/07/2018 05:48

Life isn’t worse than it was before but it is different.

The kind of holiday you enjoyed pre-D.C. isn’t necessarily the right kind of holiday for you right now.

It might be later when your baby is older. But not now.

What can you do to fix you current situation?

Can you get fans in the house?
Can you move to a hotel with air con?
Do you have to stay? Can you just go home?

You aren’t trapped (it just feels like it). You are hot and exhausted.

Call you DH, tell him how you feel, work out a plan.

Flowers
MrsMaisel · 28/07/2018 06:00

Have you thought about cutting out breastfeeding? Could be the change you need to give you some independence? You have family around - ask for some help & get some rest!

AjasLipstick · 28/07/2018 06:03

Does he really still need 2 naps in the day? I remember cutting one out and finding it easier to just push mine around and she might nap in the buggy.

Cheerbear23 · 28/07/2018 06:03

You sound exhausted - I like a PP I say ask your family for help, ie take the baby for a walk so you can get your head down too.
Holidays are most definitely not the same post children!

Rednaxela · 28/07/2018 06:12

You won't be able to function without sleep never mind feel like you are on holiday!

Is there genuinely not a single family member there you would trust to hold/entertain DC for 3hrs while you slept?

Secondly, is there a reason you haven't tried DC on a plastic dummy? I found it a relief after being continously chomped on..

dimsum123 · 28/07/2018 06:16

Yes, you are absolutely 100% right. I used to think exactly the same when my DCs were much younger.

BUT, it gets better, you get used to a different lifestyle compared to the life you had pre DC, and eventually you feel happy and comfortable with your new way of life.

It just takes time.

Mine are 12 and 15 now and I'm loving it! They are very independent and self sufficient and I am close to achieving pre DC levels of freedom for myself!! Smile

Hang in there, one hour or minute at a time.

hiddeneverything · 28/07/2018 06:21

RIGHT!!!! I have some advice. I was that person who tried and tried to put my baby down for a nap and couldn't get him to sleep. I would spend an hour rocking him in his pram til he fell asleep, teaching him how to fight his sleep basically.

Fast forward to baby number two, who is six months....I put him down for a nap. If he doesn't sleep within five/ten minutes I get him back up, the result? He falls asleep when he is ready! Honestly can't believe I'd even say this, but ditch the routine, especially on holiday as little ones routines change in the heat too. Being more relaxed will help you enjoy yourself and baby will sleep when he is ready.

Re the constant bf, would one of your family members give him a bottle during the night to get him out the habit? And say to them if he's not back down within say half an hour then you will take over again. Would someone take him a walk in his buggy during the day as well?

I hope that they will let you get some rest xx

TooMuchGreys · 28/07/2018 06:30

I’m another one for ditch the routine. Stop stressing about getting those naps in. Take the baby for a walk, stick a parasol on the pram and take a relaxed stroll, grab an ice cream, the baby will probably fall asleep. Or do you have access to an air conditioned car to take a drive? Go to a mall and walk around for a bit?

kateandme · 28/07/2018 06:34

in this heat hun everything feels like a sucker punch to the gut.it is almost depressive. it compressors in everything and zeros in on all that irritates and annoys and makes us anxious its like you just cant breathe.
one day youll look back on this and think how did you ever have holidays without them. when you teaching them to swim then splashing in the pool then swimming the ocean.walking together seeing sights together.chatting into the night.this might all be to come as they grow up and its wonderful to be around to watch and to nurture.
this it a really tough time right now but it wont be like this always.not if you don't linger on it.dont let these feeling of uncertainty grow into other things by keeping dwelling on them.what can you do right now to make things better.
can any of the family help.
if your dh is coming soon look forward to that.what can you do together.what can you do to rest and recoop then.
in the moments things are calm with the little one is there things you love doing with him.what makes you smile with him.make sure you keep persepective by taking time for the good stuff.
have you an book with you.or paints or just anything to relax the tension your feeling.any good movies to stick on.they sound so small but its just things to take you out of your current headspace because youll just send yourself crazy otherwise.becasue they aren't the same but it doesn't have to be a bad thing.there is so much good to come soooo much.you will never laugh or cry like you do with your kids.
look at what time it is.you must be so tired and weary.itl be ok.

Wishiwasonholiday1 · 28/07/2018 06:42

There are definitely days when it's completely normal to feel that way. Places you used to visit and go to are very different with a baby and holidays and time to relax are not the same.
But, it does get easier, like you said, it's very hot, your tired, how you're feeling is ok.
The early stages are the hardest part but it will get easier.
I genuinely enjoy spending time with my children now and although things aren't the same, I appreciate it in a different way and enjoy sharing the places I love with them.
It will get easier, sending sympathy and sleep!

Greenwomanofmay · 28/07/2018 06:57

Hidden is right about ditching the routine
Can you give the baby a lukewarm bath everyday or twice a day with a few bath toys (or improvised ones) as it cools them down and gives you a quiet half hour ( obviously sat next to bath in arms reach but it's bliss not to have to listen to grumpy crying) x

speakout · 28/07/2018 07:25

I too think it's much easier to stay at home with a baby..

We didn't holiday abroad until te youngest was 3/4 years old.

Babies can become unsettled with change in routine, unfamiliar surroundings, heat etc.

Sleeplikeasloth · 28/07/2018 07:33

I think some of this comes down to your parenting choices, rather than being an inevitably tbh.

It's your choice to be used as a dummy
It's your choice to spend so much time inside
It's your choice to insist on naps in a dark room.

Some of these choices are ditto change once they are established, but I think you've set up a very restrictive routine for yourself, one that would have driven me mad at home, let alone in holiday.

We went on a city break when my daughter was this age. She napped in the sling or pram, mostly outside, (which is what she does at home), so we just got on with our day. We stayed out late (she made up for it by sleeping in till half 10), had lovely meals, explored, went on trips etc. There's no reason to hide yourself away unless you want to.

Oh and get yourself a portable blackout blind to help reduce early wakings.

Holidays are different with a baby, but they don't have to be bad, or that difficult. You are in charge here, you can make changes to still get your break.

Sleeplikeasloth · 28/07/2018 07:33

ditto = difficult

JeezYouLoon · 28/07/2018 07:34

YABU I'm afraid your life wasn't better before, it was different. Having a child totally tips everything on its head, both in a good way and a bad way.

In the nicest possible way both of you are hot and over tired Wink

SittingAround1 · 28/07/2018 07:39

Yep holidays with under twos aren't really holidays , just the same but in a different location.

Skyejuly · 28/07/2018 07:42

I totally agree with the other poster. With my 4th I didn't do set naps. I would settle her in her pushchair if she was moaning. Often she would just look around and fall asleep. If not tired I would just get her out again. It really saved my sanity and she is 18mths now and a good napper so it really doesn't affect anything.

I had my first at 16 so effectively didn't have much of a life prechildren but I still found it a huge change. You do learn to adapt and stop that trail of thought. It has been excessively hot so that won't be helping things. Out of my 4 you can guarantee one of them at least will have me up in the night. It doesn't last forever xx

Skyejuly · 28/07/2018 07:44

Also we went away when DC was 3mths, 8mths etc and nothing changed as I just refused to stay in for naps on holiday. Usually the holiday routine will tire them. Instead of just sittin in a hot room could you just bring him down with you with a fan and just watch t.v. till he drops off? I do this if mine be a pain cause at least I get some relax time.

DroningOn · 28/07/2018 07:44

Biggest thing we struggled with after kids wasn't the tiredness, the nappies, the feeding, the financial implications it was the change in our lifestyle. First few years are tough Op, but I'd does get better quickly and it seems like an age away noe but before you know it you'll have an independent 2/3yo who eats at meal times like you, uses the loo, can walk and run and I promise you, you'll have the time of your life! Hang in there Op Flowers

GeorgeIII · 28/07/2018 07:48

When my DCs were teens, their uncle who was middle-aged single without DCs came to stay, and I realised over the last 15 years I had always always had others to consider when making any decisions - and he had had absolutely none but himself. I found it mindblowing at the time as he flicked the tv to his choice of channel again

Childrenofthesun · 28/07/2018 07:50

Ah, the first holiday post-baby. I remember exactly the same feelings. When am I supposed to sit on the sun lounger and read my book? It takes some adjusting but the first couple of years are the worst.

My DC are primary age now and I love our family holidays. It's a combination of getting used to having to do things the children like (I do not enjoy building sandcastles or jumping in the sea, but I do a certain amount to make my kids happy) and them becoming more independent.

I do look forward to the time when DH and I can have adult holidays again, but know that I will miss our family holidays.

Childrenofthesun · 28/07/2018 07:52

And like everyone else says, ditch the routine on holiday. They soon get back into it at home.