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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that quality of life was so much better before

54 replies

Icantgetnosleep000 · 28/07/2018 05:10

I love my 9 month old dc1. He brings daily joy to my life

But right now I've had enough

It's probably the heat and the fact I'm abroad at family home where we can't shut Windows or blinds for fear of suffocating

But I used to come here pre baby and have a wonderful relaxing re energising time

This week all I've done is try to get him to sleep four times a day in a hot room

At night he wakes regularly from2-3am so my day is effectively starting then

He just wants to BF or play around with boobs constantly. It's not like he's even happy when he wakes as he's so tired

My DH hasn't joined us yet so despite family help, I'm feeling alone and at breaking point. I'm walking around in a haze from lack of sleep. My days involve just gettin through the hours until bedtime. I'm up patting his bum, being used as a human dummy and crying myself from 3am.

I used to have such a wonderful time here. It's been turned on its head and I honestly can't see any good, just endless days where I navigate from one failed nap to the next.

So AIBU to think, in this sleep deprived moment, that despite the love I feel, and the joyful moments, that objectively quality of personal life pre baby is much much better Sad I'm so sad I feel this way but I think I'm just being realistic. I won't let those feelings pass across to him

OP posts:
saoirse31 · 28/07/2018 07:53

Never saw benefit in trying to make a baby sleep when they don't want to, just frustrating for all. Let him sleep when he wants to. And you sleep then too.

Clairetree1 · 28/07/2018 07:56

why on earth are you trying to make a 9 month old baby go to sleep 4 times a day?

Oysterbabe · 28/07/2018 07:58

Oh yes your quality of life will definitely be worse for a while. My oldest is 2.7 years now and she's wonderful. We have so much fun and she makes me laugh all day long. I also have a 7 month old and I'm finding the baby stage much easier this time as I know it's very temporary. He just tags along with us and has no real routine. I feed him when he's hungry and let him sleep when he's tired. I doubt we'll go abroad for a couple of years. We've done center parcs and will probably do a few other short breaks. Holidays with small children aren't holidays, they're the same shit somewhere else only it's harder because you don't have all your stuff to hand.

Snog · 28/07/2018 08:00

I agree with sittingaround1 that holidays with under twos are nothing like the holidays pre kids.
Resting and recharging are not possible it is indeed same shit different location!

Enjoy the different location, and know that holidays as you knew them are gone for a few years but also know that your child will give back to you the love that you are pouring into him more and more as he gets older.

RoadToRivendell · 28/07/2018 08:02

Poor you. Flowers

A 9 month old is bloody hard work.

niketrainersarecomfy · 28/07/2018 08:04

Yanbu, quality of life once you have a kid goes out of the window. Thata it until they go to uni, year after year of shitness. Yet unlike any other poor work condition, you are expected to do it for free and for 'love'.
Its crap.

Babdoc · 28/07/2018 08:10

You are making a rod for your own back, OP. At 9 months, you’re nearly through the worst bit. Your baby should be weaned onto solids and should be sleeping through at night. Stop trying to force so many daytime naps - they’ll sleep better at night if they’ve had fewer.
Get a dummy, to avoid being endlessly chewed on yourself! My two had dummies just at night, right from the start. If they fell out of their mouths, they would just grope around the cot, scoop the dummy up and stick it back in themselves, with a wee sigh of contentment.
It meant they slept through from 8 weeks. I can’t imagine how exhausted and grumpy you must be with lack of sleep, and it’s so unnecessary!
Also PPs are right - get your relatives to help out, let them take baby for a few hours to give you a break. You will have a breakdown if you carry on like this, and end up resenting your baby instead of enjoying it. A few adjustments to your routine could make a huge difference for you. A good night’s sleep, for a start, will make you feel more human!
Good luck, OP. I’m sure things will soon improve. And babies turn into amazing amusing fun kids, remarkably quickly!

IchFliegeNach · 28/07/2018 08:14

It gets easier, ime.
It really, really does. Once they hit two they start to become so much more independent and the obsession with sleepand feeding and so on eases off significantly.

But in the meantime, go with the flow as much as possible. This WILL pass: this is not your life from here on.

60sname · 28/07/2018 08:19

Speak for yourself nike

Op this will pass. We had a truly crap 'holiday' when DS1 was about 7 months, by a year things were already more fun. Yes the endless lie-ins are gone but we still manage to relax.

Original poster
Icantgetnosleep000 · 28/07/2018 08:21

Thanks for all the advice

It's now a reasonable time and I got some sleep while family members took him. They are great and I totally trust them but I obviously feel responsible for him all the time.

To answer some questions.... We're not in a restrictive routine at all. I try to get him to nap a lot because he's clearly very tired and agitated. His brain is rewiring as he starts to crawl and spends time with so many people. I can tell when he wants to sleep (ie falling asleep in my arms) before being put down vs when he is never going to manage, and in those instances I simply pick him up and take him back outside for some quiet time. At home he generally fits around my schedule by sleeping in pram etc but with this heat we're trying to avoid going out. Perhaps I'm too focused on getting him to sleep but he will not and never has gone down easily in the daytime, and I see how distressed and agitated he then gets when tired.

Re being a human dummy... That's just out of desperation this week. Along with trying to offer comfort in new surroundings and hydration in the heat. He sleeps in own cot at home and I only ever feed him once at night.

I think that's why this has got me hard, everything has gone to pot. I'm not surprised as we're away from home, and I am understanding of him- he can't help it - but as a PP said, this heat is making everything feel oppressive and so much worse. Plus everything feels so much harder and terrible at night.

I'm going to enjoy him in the daytime (there are aspects of holidaying with him which are absolutely lovely) and then hand over to DH who is here today woohooooo!

OP posts:
DailyMailFail101 · 28/07/2018 08:21

It’s so different when you go on holiday with kids compared to on your own, it’s the hot heat that’s making you and you son cranky and miserable, I’m not sure what to say that people haven’t already said but I think your very brave going abroad in the summer months with a baby, maybe you just need to manage your expectations, lots of us are struggling in the UK it’s this heat at the moment don’t beat yourself up about it, maybe next year plan to go abroad in the spring or go to a place with air con.

Sevendown · 28/07/2018 08:23

Yes it’s crap.

There’s no such thing as a holiday with a baby.

Loveatthefiveanddime · 28/07/2018 08:30

I think I should print out your post, you have described soooo well and so eloquently the way I used to feel. I would preserve it to hand it on to my daughters in order to show them how it is when they have kids.

Accepting that the old life is over and everything is changed forever is not something that is done all at once, I guess. You are just learning the lesson of holidays now.
My big regret with having children, (that you could perhaps learn from?), is that I didn't accept in the first few years that maybe I should go for a more different sort of holiday to give myself a break. i.e. a break in a catered or all-inclusive resort where there is children's entertainment - normally my idea of hell. Somewhere set up and geared to families with small children. I wish I had done that, just until I was out of the really hard part. A break from housework, a break from cooking, beds made maybe, all the equipment you need. Expensive though.

Original poster
Icantgetnosleep000 · 28/07/2018 08:33

Also babdoc, I appreciate your advice but there are no rods being created here. Babies not sleeping through is physiologically normal.... I was just upset as we'd taken several steps backwards. He shouldn't be weaned onto solids by now- the WHO recommendation is milk as main source of nutrition until one. He's eating plenty of solids as well as breastfeeding. And as I mentioned, I am actually trying to restrict BF at night now by sending DH in and only feeding if he won't settle (unusual for him) or he wakes up again within a short space of time. Usually he doesn't. I wish he'd take a dummy but he's a dummy and bottle refuser despite getting him used to them from early on. Sigh.

Anyway that's besides the point, I'm just a bit tired and justifying myself when I appreciate that it's impossible to get a picture of someone's parenting from a single post. Really appreciate everyone's support and advice, particularly those who assure me that it will get better

OP posts:
JudgeRulesNutterButter · 28/07/2018 08:43

Poor you OP. YANBU in the slightest, holidays with tiny dc are not holidays.

Can you lie down with your DS and sleep in the day when he does?

It will get better and at least your DH is coming to share the pain Smile

JudgeRulesNutterButter · 28/07/2018 08:46

PS fwiw if I was somewhere hot and uncomfortable with a 9mo I would definitely be breastfeeding on demand so that at least one thing I wasn’t worrying about would be when / how much they were drinking.

Make sure you’re drinking LOADS yourself though Flowers

Brysonette · 28/07/2018 08:55

It will get better. We went abroad with our 6 month old dd, not by choice, to a family wedding! It was not fun at all and seeing all the other guests relaxing and drinking around the pool etc was very tough. Dd is now 19 months and we've been camping and it was a relaxing time, still not lots of sleep but the difference has been huge.
Hang on in there.

KnitFastDieWarm · 28/07/2018 09:00

It gets better! I felt exactly like this the first time I visited my in laws after DS was born - a place I’d always associated with relaxation, fun and adult time was now stressful. BUT DS is almost three now and last time we visited, we went out for dinner and rather two many drinks with friends while DS played happily at home with his adoring grandparents Grin it will be normal again, I promise!

Original poster
Icantgetnosleep000 · 28/07/2018 09:31

Judge- you're right about BF img- he gets constant access. Holiday treat Grin

Brysonette and knitfast- both those scenarios sound exactly like me! Glad it gets better (and did so for you)

OP posts:
LapinR0se · 28/07/2018 09:37

If you have decided to BF on demand and are happy with multiple night wakings then you need to accept the rest.
If I were you I would sleep train for an easier life.

Cherubfish · 28/07/2018 09:39

I remember my first post baby holiday when DC1 was 10 months. I was looking forward to it so much because I still associated the word 'holiday' with 'relaxation'. It took until my youngest DC was 7 years old (10 years after that first one!) to have a properly relaxing holiday!

minipie · 28/07/2018 09:52

Of course quality of life (in the sense of doing things you enjoy) is worse post children! You go from being able to do exactly what you fancy in your free time and on holiday, to having to do what the kids need first. And when the kids are babies, and it's hot or they're ill or tired, they need a lot...

Happily as they get older, it gets so much better, they can do more themselves and they are also (IMO) much more fun after they can talk. And easier as they can tell you what they need and do, endlessly. And they don't need to nap, and sleep better at night. Hang in there OP, it won't be like this forever.

You could a damp flannel on his tummy, or a semi frozen bottle of water well wrapped up, to try to help him sleep better. But tbh 9 months can be crappy for sleep no matter what you do.

Sleeplikeasloth · 28/07/2018 09:57

Depending on how good a napper your baby is, there's still loads of time for relaxing I find. Example day perhaps (I'm using our times for getting up etc, so you might need to shift this to suit)

8am - get up. Play outside

  1. 00 - 9.30 - breakfast
9.30 - 10.30 - play, go for a walk etc 10.30 - 12 - nap time outside in pram, and go for a swim, or read a book by the pool 12-1 - travel somewhere together, go for a walk, play 1 - 1.30 - lunch 1.30 - 3 - lots of playing, maybe family time in the pool, or if you're out somewhere then do whatever it is you want to do. 3 - 4ish - travel home and more nap. Use this time to go for a swim or lounge reading a book. Maybe have a nap. 4-6 - playtime, maybe more pool 6-7 - dinner altogether 7-8 play, then bath and bed.

Basically, if you want to relax, make sure that naps occur in a convenient place for you to relax, and then enjoy.

LadysFingers · 28/07/2018 10:00

We took DC, aged 8 months to a hotel in Austria, while I was still bf. We just went out for the day. He either slept in the car or his buggy, or he didn't!

Holidays with young children are a change of scenery; not a holiday! It's better to accept that.

DeadGood · 28/07/2018 13:15

“Life isn’t worse than it was before but it is different.”

Nope, I disagree. I think life with a baby is, overall, worse than life without one.

I love mine but didn’t enjoy the baby years. Some obviously enjoy babies, so they will disagree, but I think it’s wrong to tell someone categorically that their life is “not worse, only different.”