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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider offering to be a surrogate?

56 replies

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 27/07/2018 15:23

Fairly sure I may be, but.....

My heart is breaking for my sister. She told us this week that her last round of fertility treatment has failed. She can get pg, but mc at just a few weeks each time. I do not know anymore how many babies she has lost. All she wants is to be a mum.

My body is pretty rubbish in many ways but pregnancy and childbirth seem to be the exceptions. I have 3 dc and physically sailed through pregnancy and birth.

What if I could give her a baby?

Reasons against would include impact on my career as I have a demanding professional job, potential impact on my body, and my MH which is poor in pregnancy.

But then the alternative is selfishly enjoying my own dc, knowing my sister will never have that and maybe I could have helped....

OP posts:
Bitchywaitress · 27/07/2018 15:26

This just brought a tear to my eye, I think it's wonderful that you would consider this.

However, do clinics accept family members as surrogates?

PurpleFlower1983 · 27/07/2018 15:29

You are wonderful for even considering it.

Flowers
nellyolsenscurl · 27/07/2018 15:29

Very kind and selfless thought OP, but think very carefully. I know someone who did this (she offered) and it didn't all go plain sailing. On both sides there were communication and expectation issues. The host didn't have quite a smooth pregnancy as her previous 3 and felt that financially she missed out. She felt intruded and controlled by the family always wanting updates on her and asking what she was doing.

When she had the baby she felt neglected by them, once they had the baby in their arms she was very much an after thought and I think she was hoping for some sort of lifetime recognition.

Hastalapasta · 27/07/2018 15:29

Bless you, I would do it.
Would you be happy to offer? Even knowing the risks? Would she accept?

icelollycraving · 27/07/2018 15:29

It sounds an amazing consideration. Selfless and amazing.
How would you be able to handle seeing them grow up?

RoboJesus · 27/07/2018 15:30

I think surrogacy for a close family member is the best kind for everyone involved. It's something you'd have to talk to a professional about though. A doctor to check you out physically and a psychologist to understand the impact. But the first thing I would do is see if your sister would be interested in surrogacy

crisscrosscranky · 27/07/2018 15:31

Thanks I have no advice as I know I couldn't do it for anyone but what a selfless thing to even consider.

MatildaTheCat · 27/07/2018 15:35

I know of someone who has birthed two children for her sister. It is the ultimate gift. However you sound uncertain and if your MH is poor in pregnancy it may well not be a good idea.

I believe there are other ways of approaching surrogacy so it’s a three way thing which lessens some of the family issues.

You sound very kind.

AtreidesFreeWoman · 27/07/2018 15:41

If it was to carry my sisters child then yes I probably would (having had a heathy pregnancy).

If it was to give her "my" child then I'm sorry, I don't think I could do that.

Having said that I think you'd have to think about it very, very carefully and go through every possible scenario in detail.

What happens for example if the baby is ok but this pregnancy puts your life at risk? Would you terminate? What if scans show the baby has some problems? What then?

You'd have to go through this with your sister and be very clear on every possible outcome you can think of. If you can't agree in advance what the response would be then you shouldn't proceed.

What if you don't get pregnant quickly? How long would you be prepared to try for? Otherwise your life could be on hold for years....

You'd also need to consider the financial implications - maternity leave and impact to your finances. Would you/could you write this off or would you expect some assistance?

How would you explain your pregnancy to your children- would they be able to understand?

It's a lovely thing to do for someone but it needs careful thought, planning and agreement.

Eemamc · 27/07/2018 15:45

I would definitely consider it. I couldn’t do it if it was using my own egg though, as that would be my child, but if you were just carrying the child I think that would be a lovely thing to do. It’s worth investigating further

Confusedbeetle · 27/07/2018 15:48

It all sounds so wonderful but it is such a dangerous area. You have no idea whether you could hand over the baby with no heartbreak. The child would eventually need to know which is a minefield. You would always look on the child as yours. How would you feel if you disagreed with her parenting style? What if after all her yearning for a child it was all a disappointment? What if she was jealous that you were the birth mother? What if you were jealous? What if the child had problems. A surrogate outside the family can move out of the family circle and make life easier ( for the family) you cant. I just feels like a recipe for disaster and heartbreak all round. Not to mention what your partner would feel about it all during the pregnancy etc. We cannot separate from our biology or tame it to our logic and our heart. I commend your kind thoughts but fear for unknown problems

bridgetosomewhere · 27/07/2018 15:52

My friend is going through her last round of IVF now. She is desperate for a sibling for her dd

I am considering being a surrogate for her if it comes to it. I think it’s the ultimate thing to do - to give someone a baby they so desperately want.

Amazing you are considering it OP and I hope it works out for you both.

Original poster
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 27/07/2018 15:58

I don't think I am especially kind I just think of all those poor lost babies and how that is all my sister will ever know of motherhood. She conceived twins a few weeks after I got pg with mine. By rights my mum should have had four little twin grandchildren this summer but instead there are just two and those other twins will never see the light or have names. It is too sad.

matilda yes the MH issue is the one that really concerns me. I was not in a good place at the end of my last pg.

But a few months of distress versus a lifetime of childlessness?

OP posts:
Original poster
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 27/07/2018 16:03

To answer other Qs....

In the (quite unlikely) event a pregnancy endangered my life yes I would terminate and I would make that clear to my sister beforehand. I have 3dc after all and they are my priority.

If the baby had problems it would be DSis call as she would be raising them.

In terms of parenting decisions I am pretty live and let live. I cannot get worked up over most of the MN parenting dilemmas like dummies/ no dummies etc right up to independent or state schooling as I feel that if dc are loved and fed well and cared for they will most likely be okay.

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 27/07/2018 16:08

I couldn't have children and it was pre-IVF days. You talk about a lifetime of childlessness, OP, as if it's a terrible thing and I just wanted to point out that for both those who couldn't have and those who didn't want children, it's perfectly possible to live a happy and fulfilled life.

givemesteel · 27/07/2018 16:09

I think atreides and confused raise very good points to consider.

You'd have to firstly imagine yourself handing over that baby to your sister and if you feel any doubts think about how much harder it will be when you see that tiny being you've carried for 9 months.

As above you'd have to be completely aligned on what you would do if scans showed a disability, whether you'd continue with the pregnancy.

How would your existing dc feel? Your dh? If your career would suffer would you expect compensation?

SilverySurfer · 27/07/2018 16:11

Should have added - please think very carefully about what you being pregnant means re your career and health and the impact it may have on your family.

I wish you the best, whatever your decision.

givemesteel · 27/07/2018 16:13

Would your MH problems mean you would feel you couldn't give the baby up?

Even if your rational brain knows that the baby is not 'yours', your hormones will be shouting otherwise.

foxitude · 27/07/2018 16:17

There are different types of surrogacy that will suit different people depending on their fertility problems.
Do you also have a good relationship with your brother in law? That could be as important. Would your sister be able compensate you for loss of earnings? You don't want resentment to build. Can she afford the surrogacy process itself? If you're carrying a baby that is genetically all theirs then it's got to get into you and is expensive. You've also got to go through injections and stuff to get your body fooled into thinking it's about to be pregnant, I think it can be quite draining. Don't get me wrong, I think it's a very excellent solution if all goes well. I offered my own sister the same as I've carried healthy babies with easy pregnancies and she's not been able to carry past 10 weeks, but she declined because she had decided trying another route was going to be next.

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 27/07/2018 16:24

I think you are amazing.

I think you could do it with the right support especially with your MH issues and how giving up the baby after birth may affect you.

Flowers
heartsease68 · 27/07/2018 16:33

I'm not sure a fertility clinic would be happy if you've had pregnancy-related MH problems. Have they got progressively more serious each time?

I'm all for surrogacy (much experience) but only when the surrogate's family is not going to lose out. Having mummy sad and not emotionally available is a massive cost, especially if they've already been through this with your last pregnancy. You also don't know for sure that you will recover in the same way, or how relinquishing the baby will affect your recovery when you're in that place.

I wouldn't. I know many people involved in surrogacy journeys who did not need to rely on a family member. There are incredibly kind women out there who are willing to do it as a gift and who will not be suffering like you will be as a result.

AtreidesFreeWoman · 27/07/2018 16:37

Other things to consider:

  • it's your body, how would you feel if your sis and her partner wanted to attend scans/mw appoints (some of which can be intrusive)
  • what about the birth of they both want to be there?
  • how invested do they expect to be overall in the pregnancy? Daily updates etc could get very draining especially if your being asked to eat a certain diet etc (even if all this is being done with the best motives).
  • and yes what medication would you need to take to get pregnant. It's not just the pregnancy and the post birth recovery - how many appointments will you need to attend? Is that possible with work/being a mum yourself? You might need to attend many, many clinical appointments if we are talking about using your sisters/her partners embryo.

As I said it's one hell of a gift but you need to research what it means throughly with your partner and get their "buy in" also.

Original poster
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 27/07/2018 16:45

Silvery I didn't mean to be offensive. My DTs are 5mos so I am quite hormonal still and I am imagining being without them..

That said, everyone is different. My sister has longed for children for years and I know she is suffering. She and BIL got married and arranged their lives to fit round children - who then never came.

OP posts:
Original poster
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 27/07/2018 16:48

Atreides good Qs, thanks.

I would be happy for DSis to attend appts and the birth. Happy for BIL to attend "big" scans like the 20w one but not birth. Again would specify this beforehand.

I do not know about the appts so would obviously look into that. That is obviously a biggie!

OP posts:
Lauren83 · 27/07/2018 16:55

How old is your sister? It's amazing to consider doing this but it's much more likely to be the embryos rather than her that's causing the losses especially if she is 35+, a lot of people with repeated IVF failure look into PGS or donor eggs rather than surrogacy, unless she has a diagnosis that means she is unlikely to carry to full term of course or issues with her endometrium