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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider offering to be a surrogate?

56 replies

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 27/07/2018 15:23

Fairly sure I may be, but.....

My heart is breaking for my sister. She told us this week that her last round of fertility treatment has failed. She can get pg, but mc at just a few weeks each time. I do not know anymore how many babies she has lost. All she wants is to be a mum.

My body is pretty rubbish in many ways but pregnancy and childbirth seem to be the exceptions. I have 3 dc and physically sailed through pregnancy and birth.

What if I could give her a baby?

Reasons against would include impact on my career as I have a demanding professional job, potential impact on my body, and my MH which is poor in pregnancy.

But then the alternative is selfishly enjoying my own dc, knowing my sister will never have that and maybe I could have helped....

OP posts:
AtreidesFreeWoman · 27/07/2018 17:25

@Lauren83

Excellent point

Lauren83 · 27/07/2018 17:40

With regards to appointments up to embryo transfer if you were looking for a rough guide you should expect...

Scan and Consultation
Meeting with donation team
Implications counselling
Screening bloods
Down reg scan
Lining scan 1-2
Embryo transfer
Usually approx 3 weeks of injections to down regulate you then progesterone and Estrogen tablets and pessaries for 12 weeks

You would also need possible mental health report, welfare of the child report from GP etc, I know a few planned gestational carriers turned down due to PND etc

QuackPorridgeBacon · 27/07/2018 19:32

It’s a lovely and I think a very brave thing to do. Just make sure you go through every scenario and talk about it all for a very long time before deciding. I’d also wait until yours are a bit older because going through all that you will need to can’t be easy around young children. But definitely talk about it and see how you both feel after that. Repeated conversations would be good so that any doubts you might think of can be brought up. I don’t think one discussion would be enough for something huge like surrogacy.

Momo27 · 27/07/2018 19:58

I think it’s an incredible, selfless act, and if you approach it with support from the professionals, then I think it will leave not only your sister, but you living a more enriched life.

Slightly off topic, but among my friends and colleagues I know someone who was an egg donor for a relative, a father who donated a kidney to his son, and a colleague who was a stem cell donor for his sick sibling. All of these people have said that even though they had some reservations and anxieties to begin with, the act of doing those things has actually made them feel fundamentally happier, and with a greater sense of purpose about this one life we’ve all got. I was quite amazed when I heard that from each of them independently. It made me realise it must feel quite incredible in a way most of us can’t begin to understand.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 27/07/2018 20:13

This is an amazing thing to do - but I don't think you're in a place to consider it properly or do it when you gave birth to twins 5 months ago... and I say that as someone with a transplanted kidney; so I really appreciate people who donate parts of themselves like this!

Have you considered whether this would biologically be your baby, or hers?

It's a minefield. It's a lovely thing to do; but not at the expense of your own children or your mental health. I'd hold off for a bit and talk about it when your twins are a bit older.

MsVestibule · 27/07/2018 20:23

I could, and would have done this for my sister if necessary. However, they would have to be her eggs or somebody else's; I couldn't give my own biological baby away.

Does she know why her body keeps rejecting the fertilised eggs? That could be key. If the eggs are healthy but her uterus just can't carry them for long, then you may be able to carry them to term for her. However, if her uterus is healthy but there is something 'wrong' with the eggs, you'll just be in the same position as her.

Sorry if it's been covered, but do you have a DP and if so, how does he feel about it?

jamoncrumpets · 27/07/2018 20:39

What would your DP think?

Original poster
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 27/07/2018 20:53

Hi all, just coming back to this whilsy bfing DT1 who thinks it is not bedtime Hmm

They do not know why she cannot remain pg but apparently her hormone levels just don't increase. She also has fibroids. She had cancer as a child and very aggressive treatment one of whose side effects is female infertility. But I don't know if it is that or something else. Nor do her docs apparently.

I would want it to be her and bil baby. She has produced 9 good embryos according to her ivf clinic. So I would hope she could do so again.

If it were her and bil baby I think I could let it go. I know it would be hard but it would be hers. And I don't want another child.

About her age, she anf bil married young -I think she was 23? - and started trying right away. I actually forget how old she is now Blush but I think 34. She had repeated mc and chemical pgs when trying naturally. I think they then went thru icsi and ivf in different forms. She conceives but the hormone levels just don't rise.

OP posts:
Original poster
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 27/07/2018 21:03

Lauren that detailed post is super super helpful. Thank you

OP posts:
Lauren83 · 27/07/2018 21:24

No probs, I had 5 cycles of IVF and work in and IVF clinic so shout if you have any questions, I also have a baby from donor eggs too Smile

hibbledibble · 27/07/2018 21:39

Op it sounds like a wonderful thing to do.

The stakes are so high, with so many potential pitfalls, that I would go through a reputable surrogate agency and draw up a contract, as well as have counselling for both of you prior to agreeing to this.

There are so many 'what ifs'. As well as your health, baby's health, there are also financial consideration. What if you are unable to work during the pregnancy, for example? You need a contract covering all eventualities, so that you have something to refer back to later. Even if the contract is not legally binding, it is helpful to have a starting point which you have all previously agreed to.

There was a documentary a little while back about surrogates. While it went beautifully for some, there was one surrogate mother who entered into a surrogacy without an agency or formal agreement. It went badly wrong, and it really effected her.

sourpatchkid · 27/07/2018 21:40

What mental health problems do you get when pregnant?

I had bad anxiety and it's one reason I won't have a second- I don't want to manage that for 9 months now I have a child to consider. Would it impact your children?

But to be honest, I would do it. For my sister. But then I also had an easy birth.

Original poster
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 27/07/2018 22:13

Thanks Lauren, I may come back to you.

Hibble on financial considerations, I don't think that would weigh heavily. Sis and bil have medical ins which covers fertility stuff and as for me, I am in a secure professional job with an excellent maternity package. We can have up to 6mos off sick at full pay and then mat leave on top so in the event I got ill in pregnancy I would use that.

On MH issues that is the tricky one for me. I was assaulted in a clinical setting and have very very specific fears around gynae procedures. With my last pg this flared up as it was a multiple pregnancy handled by a very conservative consultant who wanted me to birth on my back in stirrups, "displayed" to a room of 8-10 ppl. She did not react well to being told I wouldn't consent to this so my pg was marred by stressful appts every 4w arguing with her. In the end I met with a v senior MW who approved my birth plan and I gave birth without intervention and with a supportive team in place. The birth went well from my pov although DT1 was born so fast that he had a rather hairy time!

OP posts:
Original poster
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 27/07/2018 22:15

But this time I wouldn't be seeking a multiple pg so that presumably wouldn't be a consideration.

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 27/07/2018 22:17

You weren't offensive at all OP. I too hoped and longed for children when I was young but eventually accepted it wasn't to be and decided to get on with living my life. I just didn't want you to think it was not possible to have a fulfilling life without children because it is.

Please take all the time you need and get whatever help may be available, counselling etc. What does your DH think?

Good luck whatever you decide.

sourpatchkid · 27/07/2018 22:18

That sounds really hard - I'm sorry you had to go through that . If you consider this I would try to get it specified in your notes what care you need. If you wanted to you could consider a couple of sessions of EMDR therapy to manage any triggers you may get.

heartsease68 · 27/07/2018 22:34

there was one surrogate mother who entered into a surrogacy without an agency

Please don't help to spread the lie that agencies help surrogacy. If you actually have a look, you'll see that some of the biggest scandals have occurred at the heart of these agencies and good practice is growing faster in connection with 'indie' surrogacies. I agree with you about the contract though.

Original poster
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 27/07/2018 22:47

One thing that occurs is, would social services get involved? That would give me pause, as I don't want to risk my own children.

OP posts:
QOD · 27/07/2018 22:51

Are you in the uk? You sound American in your terminology

I have a dd aged 19 via a friend. An amazing friend.
It saved my life.

Oly5 · 27/07/2018 22:54

I think it’s amazing and selfless and I would do it for my sister... but only using her and her partners
Embryos. I couldn’t use my own eggs.
What you would do would be to give your sister the greatest gift

Oly5 · 27/07/2018 22:57

Check with Surrogacy UK about social services. I think it’s more a legal thing than social services.. you have to go to court for the other couple to be legally registered as parents. It can be quite straightforward, just do your research

Original poster
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 27/07/2018 23:00

QOD yes, I had my dc on the NHS. What sounded American?

OP posts:
balljuggla · 27/07/2018 23:01

OP, I just want to say that you're clearly a wonderful woman to be considering this Smile

makingmiracles · 27/07/2018 23:04

Messaged you OP

heartsease68 · 28/07/2018 00:55

No, social services would only get involved as court appointed guardian in relation to the baby. They would be only interested in checking that the surrogacy had been altruistic (since commercial is illegal in the UK) and checking that you were making a free, informed choice to hand the baby over. They don't assess your parenting or the parenting of the IPs (intended parents).

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