To wonder why he is like this (possibly offensive content)

[strangeangels]

This is not a thread any parent wants to make but I am at the end of my rope with adult DS(23)

I hardly know where to start ... he has ASD, depression, anxiety. So a lot of the behaviour he displays isn’t his fault.

He is easily led and watches comedians who say inappropriate things. This means he thinks it’s ok/funny to repeat. So he says racist things, I don’t actually think he is racist but he still says them and giggles away to himself. I react with shock and disgust every time but it’s as if he thinks that’s the humour, because it’s taboo.

Today had an appointment at the job centre. Wouldn’t shower as he had a shower last night. One of the hottest summers ever and won’t shower.

He is so crude and rude. Burps and farts and does these massive noisy yawns, picks his eats out, takes his shirt off if he’s out and it’s hot regardless of whether or not it’s appropriate to do so. I find it all really embarrassing.

He just isn’t pleasant to spend time with, has no idea about social norms. I feel it’s my fault. But I have other kids who aren’t like this. I didn’t bring him up like this at all.

Does he have to live with you, OP? Is there some kind of sheltered accommodation he could live in?

He is of normal, probably above average, intelligence, so no.

ASD, depression etc don't turn people into a-holes, don't make excuses for him. He's an adult, you don't have to support him if he acts like this. Ime this kind of behaviour is related to fatherlessness or terrible fathers more than anything else. Is his dad around, can he help? Like PP said, where else could he live?

Without knowing DS I know it comes across like that. He’s nowhere else to live.

I know it's easy to think he has nowhere to live, OP, especially when you're depressed with having him live with you. But it's just not true, really - if you died then he'd have to live somewhere. If you threw him out (not suggesting you do) then social services would become involved. You need to look at options rather than just accepting he'll always live with you. I'm sure it'll be hard to discover what's available, because it's easier for the state if parents take on that role, but there will be something available.

If I died, he’d live in our home. If I threw him out, he would sleep on the street.

Why don’t people accept this?

Or do you think the homeless are they because the street is comfier than supported accommodation?

OK so he could live in your house if you died. How would he have money for bills and repairs? Presumably he'd get some kind of benefits to help him.

If that's the case, why can't you get him set up in a flat, and then get the benefits sorted, just the same as would happen after you died? He's an adult now and I know you're seeing the impossibility of things changing but really, they can change. If he's capable of living alone then surely he can do that sooner, rather than waiting decades until after you died. And this way you are around to help him get sorted out.

I don't think you're saying you want him to leave home , just finding living with him annoying. Can he get help with his behavioural problems from any of the social services. Any family members who can talk to him and that he'd listen to.

Because if I set him up in a flat, I would still have to take him from a to b, still have to clean, still have to do everything. Setting him up in a flat would ADD to what I do already.

We have no involvement with SS. Why would we?

Strange-ignore the "he should move out" crowd. My sympathy as I've got one too, except mine is older and extremely left wing. Lost pip and jsa, uc interview yesterday, no shower, mucky chinos.Not disabled enough for supported living. I'd bloody love it if could move out, but how? He can't afford to, we can't afford to set him up. He doesn't burp and fart, but sniffs and clears his throat constantly. I love him, but i don't like him much sometimes.

Why would you have to do all that?

Thank you fuckery

Thank you for understanding.

strangeangels. You have my upmost sympathy, my DS21 is like that too.

I love him to bits, but I don’t like him.

I would love him to move out, infact can’t wait for him to leave, but would I put him out in the street.....no I wouldn’t because I feel that isn’t enough to want him to live on the streets.

Why would SS be involved with a 23 yr old? It sounds like you're at the end of your tether! Is there any way of cutting him off from telly etc like just taking it away? Jeez I don't know, sorry

He... has no idea about social norms. Isn’t that the very essence of ASD?!

It is hard dealing with a SN teen/adult and it’s no wonder you’re exhausted from it, but as you say, moving him out would probably bring a whole new set of problems along with the old ones!

Unfortunately there probably isn’t a huge amount you can DO about it, except make sure to take time for yourself to take a break from it all.

Nothing like that would work. It’s hard to explain but it is not ‘misbehaving’. He is genuinely completely clueless socially.

It must be very hard for you strangeangels . Do you have any support ?

Hi op,

How does he react if you ask him not to say/ do those things?

Does he have any decent male role models in his life that could have a firm word?

Strange-ignore the "he should move out" crowd.

That is a really insulting thing to say. Why would anyone on this thread assume that I (for one) would want to put an adult child with special needs out onto the streets? I am suggesting the very opposite of that.

My sister has adults with special needs who no longer live at home living with her in her house. She's registered with social services - it's a kind of adult fostering situation. I can ask her more about it if you like. They live with her in her family home, just as a foster child would do. Social services pay for their rent and an allowance etc. She cooks for them if they want and organises their washing etc. She's not a slave to them - it's not a hotel - but it's her job to make sure they keep clean, get out of the house regularly and go to activities.

You’ve had 23 years to ‘train’ him, don’t ask me how to sort your mess of a child out!

What a complete and utter arsehole you are.

I know just what you mean, OP. DS does things like sharing inappropriately personal info (mine and DH's as well as his own ), corrects other people constantly (high IQ + literal thinking = disaster). He also gives a constant running commentary of all his thoughts, sniffs, clears his throat, jiggles his leg, shifts around, etc. Refuses to clean his teeth.

It. Is. Fucking. Relentless. I love him, he has many positive qualities but there is no let up. I have no advice, just sympathy

What an irony your username is Iamtryingtobenicehere
You are being anything but....