To wonder why he is like this (possibly offensive content)

[strangeangels]

This is not a thread any parent wants to make but I am at the end of my rope with adult DS(23)

I hardly know where to start ... he has ASD, depression, anxiety. So a lot of the behaviour he displays isn’t his fault.

He is easily led and watches comedians who say inappropriate things. This means he thinks it’s ok/funny to repeat. So he says racist things, I don’t actually think he is racist but he still says them and giggles away to himself. I react with shock and disgust every time but it’s as if he thinks that’s the humour, because it’s taboo.

Today had an appointment at the job centre. Wouldn’t shower as he had a shower last night. One of the hottest summers ever and won’t shower.

He is so crude and rude. Burps and farts and does these massive noisy yawns, picks his eats out, takes his shirt off if he’s out and it’s hot regardless of whether or not it’s appropriate to do so. I find it all really embarrassing.

He just isn’t pleasant to spend time with, has no idea about social norms. I feel it’s my fault. But I have other kids who aren’t like this. I didn’t bring him up like this at all.

It's not your fault.

I wild suggest finding a private SLT who can do some Social Thinking with him. Or if you can't find one looking into it yourself. The basic idea is explaining how you come across to other people and how this effects them and you. Socialthinking.com has a lot of resources.

The post from asdad is really interesting.

I was going to ask what the block is for someone with above average intelligence learning a protocol of behaviour....

I work with some people who may well be ASD. I;ve discovered I simply can't teach them how to listen sympathetically to a student in distress...but I have been able to give them a protocol to follow if a student turns up crying, and sufficient evidence that following the protocol will improve their life, that they are doing it.

I do get that its a spectrum and severity is an issue though!

Strange, I too have a 23 year old ASC son. I love him to pieces but feck he can be a pain in the arse. He desperately wants to fit but just can't. He also has tourettes, gross motor tics as well as facial tics. On top of this he's always got to be bloody right. He'll come out with a statement as if it were fact and you have to show him in writing to prove him wrong. He dresses like a clown, not the make up etc, just oddly! He's also kind and loving and has a good degree. On top of this he has extremely bad depression, anxiety and ocd. As he's under 25 he has CAMHS involvement. He is planning on moving into a flat and they are supporting him. Hope this helps.

Story-time lol – my brother was severely depressed, not much younger than your son. He had to quit work, was quite into his drugs, nothing heavy, mostly legal highs as he was v spiritual (modern day hippie lol) he didn’t do anything, granted he wasn’t rude etc but his personal hygiene started to slip, he was a recluse, had no interest in anything other than his bedroom and music, probably had about 1 or 2 friends at the end. He committed suicide by drug overdose. Leading up to his death my mum couldn’t understand his behavior, she would yell and get angry because she wanted him to do something with his life, she couldn’t understand his lack of drive, as she didn’t understand depression. Now im not blaming it on my mum at all, as like the others have said “hes an adult” – BUT, maybe if you could try get to him and get him to open up about hes feeling, or get someone else to, you may be able to help more. Hindsight is a b*h, and I just wish we sat down and spent time with him and listened to him a bit more, because I promise you, the threat of kicking him out, taking away any money he has etc means absolutely nothing to a depressed person who believes he has nothing to live for.
And it has nothing to do with how you have raised him, mental health affects anyone, it doesn’t discriminate, he is clearly struggling and has no idea how to help himself. Imagine that he has a horrible wound in his leg and everyday that goes past with no help or bandage, it is just bleeding more and more, becoming infected, soon it will rot and fall off! Depression, without help, will just bleed and bleed until it is too late. I don’t mean to scare you, as your son may be different to my brother, but please just try to understand him? When you understand then you can start helping him.

GemGem, I’m sorry about your brother, that sounds really tough for you, I know how awful it is when someone close commits suicide.

However, the OP did not once say that she doesn’t understand her son’s depression, that she doesn’t try to help him with it or that she has threatened to kick him out/take his money away..... unless I have completely missed something (I’ll go back and check).

The OP has just said that she struggles with his socially unacceptable behaviours, which is completely understandable.

Your post would be very helpful to someone complaining about their child having depression, but I just don’t think it’s a necessary response to the OP.

@ThatGirl82
I see what you mean but he clearly isn't being helped if he is still like this? I'm just trying to highlight that he needs more love and attention at this point in his life, and maybe that's not my place to say but now my family have to go on with our lives wondering if we had just tried that little bit harder then maybe my brother would still be here today... I understand there is only so much you can do and if people don't want to be helped then they won't take it, but I would give anything to try and try and try again to help my brother. Wouldn't you hate to look back and wonder if you could have done more?

GemGem97, I'm sorry about your brother, but one of the things that makes being a parent of a child with ASD so fucking painful is the assumption that they are naughty, need more discipline and/or are badly parented. Historically, autism was believed to be the mother's fault

I would be willing to bet that Strangeangels has had to fight for a diagnosis, fight for intervention and fight to get people to accept her son. She will have made adjustments, tried to fix things for him. But ASD is not an illness that can be cured. It is a permanent impairment, a neurological condition. Your rebuke is unkind and unhelpful.

GemGem. Trust me, I know plenty of autistic adults whose parents, family, friends, partners and professionals have tried to help, that can’t always change their behaviour. And the OP clearly cares for her son, and I am sure has tried many times to help him.

You are talking about your brother who had depression, the main issue of this thread is ASD and associated behaviours. So your example is not really related.

IThink thank you.

It is all a fight and it’s srikk never, ever enough. Somehow it’s still always you who should be doing more.

OP, I think the thing you are struggling with are important.

Can I offer some ideas on how to fix them?

things

Pretty much all of the things he does re burping, farting and no knowledge of social norms is his autism not his upbringing. If it was his upbringing all your kids would do it and they don't. This is the reason autism is a disability.

I'm autistic myself and have 3 autistic kids.

I generally know most social norms and behaviours and apply them in public. In my own house though I'm myself, far less stressful.

It's normal for an adult child his age to be in a home of his own. It's not unreasonable for you to ask social services to facilitate that and to put services in place to not add to your care load. It'd be kinder on him to do this in a way as he will be more able to cope when you're not around and would possibly make it a bit easier on his siblings. It's what I plan to do with all three of mine.

If you don't want to do that for yourself own reasons that's your choice.

Regarding the racist jokes and behaviours you can't cope with what I do with 14 year old DS is tell him I don't want to hear that or see that and ask him to take it to his own personal space. I also mention with offensive statements etc that if he says that to the wrong person he may end up hurt or in trouble with the police. Be consistent with that even though you feel like a parrot.

WRT showering and job centre maybe the DWP need to see what he's like?

Sometimes you've just got to be as blunt as he is. For his own good.

"You don't smell good, this makes me nauseous. Please give me some space"

It sounds like you are a really supportive mum and doing everything you can to support your DS. Are there any ASD support groups in your area? If there are, getting involved could be helpful for both you and your DS. I know having other people to talk to who understood living with someone on the autism spectrum has helped my mum and my grandmother when I lived with her. Being a young autistic adult is difficult because adult life is so much less structured than childhood and the gap between where you are and where neurotypical people are seems so much larger. I think that social stories can help adults too (I still use them), so that might be worth a go, for helping him with social norms.

Are there any autism charities offering work support in your area? It might be worth looking into as they can have more of a clue than the job centre.

With the trying to fit in and inappropriate humour, that's really difficult. Might it be worth finding some articles online explaining why that kind of thing isn't funny? Or maybe introducing him to other types of humour, there are plenty of YouTubers who turn the tables on racist/sexist jokes and that might get through to him more than a conversation.

I’d say the comments from asdad are pretty helpful, although finding your son his ‘good fit’ may be protracted and stressful :(

Adult social services most definitely do work with people with an ASD diagnosis, all the way into old age. They can arrange for independent accommodation with support, for a start, so that you're not picking up after him even if he moves out. There is a lot of support out there for you, regardless of his intelligence level. Please don't turn your back on asking for help that you are entitled to because of his disability. Would you turn down help if he were in a wheelchair rather than having ASD?

As an aside, I've got perfectly normal intelligence, a degree and a full-time job using my degree. However, I've been recently diagnosed with dyspraxia (very much an a-hah moment for me and everyone as things fell into place) and am embracing the help I have been offered by the DWP for support at work. The help is there; you just have to reach out and ask for it.

""He is a "vulnerable adult" - talk to social services about help to find him suitable accommodation.""

He has suitable accommodation. If he became homeless, the homeless Charity may support him. But SS criteria is now so high, he wouldn't get help from them until something happened and it could be too late by then.

It really doesn't work like some people imagine.

Parents of Adults and teens (when they can't be picked up/restrained/grounded etc with disabilities are massively unsupported. Some face DV from their children, who is they had removed from their home, could end up dead.

OP I have no advice, but it took my DD wanting to fit in, have friends, to allow me to 'school' her on behaviour.

I referred her to Adult Services, she was offered support groups and input from services, provided by the NHS, who worked with her Collage to increase her confidence etc.

When my DD's confidence was doing better, I felt that I could set conditions on behavior. I still do that with my working-full-time, managerial DD who has ADHD.

I'm certainly not going to allow short term thinking by the local authorities to cause catastrophe for my kids when I die. They're going to have systems in place and if that means challenging the local authorities at every step I will. They don't have NT siblings to step in and help.