To wonder why he is like this (possibly offensive content)

[strangeangels]

This is not a thread any parent wants to make but I am at the end of my rope with adult DS(23)

I hardly know where to start ... he has ASD, depression, anxiety. So a lot of the behaviour he displays isn’t his fault.

He is easily led and watches comedians who say inappropriate things. This means he thinks it’s ok/funny to repeat. So he says racist things, I don’t actually think he is racist but he still says them and giggles away to himself. I react with shock and disgust every time but it’s as if he thinks that’s the humour, because it’s taboo.

Today had an appointment at the job centre. Wouldn’t shower as he had a shower last night. One of the hottest summers ever and won’t shower.

He is so crude and rude. Burps and farts and does these massive noisy yawns, picks his eats out, takes his shirt off if he’s out and it’s hot regardless of whether or not it’s appropriate to do so. I find it all really embarrassing.

He just isn’t pleasant to spend time with, has no idea about social norms. I feel it’s my fault. But I have other kids who aren’t like this. I didn’t bring him up like this at all.

I've got one too op ....I totally understand..it was explained to me by LEA like this......ss weren't needed to be involved when growing up because his parents did everything for him ..needs wise.as an adult that becomes ss job.so I've been told to get an ss assessment to move him in to supported living as soon as he finishes his college..adult social care should provide a package of support to enable him to live independently...

Iamtrying, what a horrible thing to say. Why would you even bother to type something so spiteful.

Is he getting pip? Are you getting carers allowance...? Apply for it if he's not already getting it

Hi op by 21 I had serious depression and anxiety alongside other psychological issues (including minor asd diagnosed in childhood although I think I pass for neurotypical imo)
At this time I had a social worker an OT and was seen by a nurse weekly and consultant monthly. I was able to move out of my parents home into a lovely flat, and I’m doing great. I know it must be rough but there is support.
I’m lucky that I never had to claim benefits though. (Worked since I was 14 and had been saving for a house deposit so could dip in and out of that whilst I wasn’t able to work, and did a bit of kinship care do DNs that meant I got my national insurance contribution. (I do understand though that my presentation is a constant worry and panic and I have OCD and so am generally over prepared for everything too) so what I’m trying to say is I’m not the same as your DC But adult SS can definitely support someone of his age

Is his father around to help or are you coping alone?

You’ve had 23 years to ‘train’ him, don’t ask me how to sort your mess of a child out!

I don't think anyone would ask for your advise about how to be a decent, pleasant person.

Why would SS be involved with a 23 yr old? He has additional needs and adults have social workers too. Social services don't just deal with children, that is one part of their remit.

I sympathise OP. He does need to learn appropriate social skills. I am afraid my experience is with younger people with ASD. In their case I would a 'social story' - best you google it if you haven't come across them before. There will be much better explanations than I can offer! I do worry that this might be a little bit age inappropriate for your son.
Perhaps the National Autistic Society or similar might have some suggestions of support?

he has ASD, depression, anxiety

Are these things officially diagnosed? By whom, and how long ago?

OP, how do you respond to these behaviours? Has he been able to function and learn behaviours expected of him in other areas of life such as school?

Perhaps autism.org could point you in the direction of local resources for supporting young adults? I believe educational support for the disabled lasts until 25. He may be well educated but his behaviours are really showing the level at which he is functioning which is very significantly below his chronological age.

It sounds exhausting. For the time being I can only suggest saying, ‘That’s not ok.’ and repeating ad nauseum.

He is a "vulnerable adult" - talk to social services about help to find him suitable accommodation.

Ignore him when he seeks to shock - same tactics as with a toddler.

Time you had some life.

Well apart from the rather horrible people here, I think there is some very good advice.
Not all families live in a situation where getting social services involved would ever occur to them, however, it does appear a way for you to get some help with your son.
So something you would never normally contemplate or that would even occur to you, could give you a little break, even if it was only respite supervision, as opposed to care.
Perhaps your son could be persuaded to volunteer to work with people with special needs, I’m thinking of adults, so he could join them on their trips and outings as a helper. (I assume he could not be persuaded to attend for any other reason)
Its worth making enquiries. Frineds two sons with special needs attend weekly groups where they have outings every week, so he might be persuaded to volunteer to help with these (you might have to pay for him to attend even in this capacity) but its worth speaking to an agency to see if they can think of any help with your dilemma, and hopefully you may be surprised. Good luck, it cant be easy.

I do appreciate people are trying to help, but this isn’t about money. Thanks those who understand.

Ds wasn’t like this when younger. It’s since growing up and finding influences and interests outside of mine that he’s started thinking this sort of edgy ‘humour’ (it isn’t funny at all of course) is funny.

SS would not be interested, believe me. I do appreciate it may seem frustrating if an op appears to be dismissing advice but this is not a SS matter.

He isn’t seeking to shock. It’s impossible to explain. He is trying to fit in. And failing.

There’s no such thing as ‘minor asd’. If a person meets the criteria for an asd diagnosis, then they must meet the triad of impairments criteria and therefore be significantly affected. If a person has asd ‘traits’, but they cope and aren’t affected then they don’t have asd.

I completely understand what you’re saying strange. I have one of these as well. He’s at uni and has pda autism. It’s a nightmare. He’s like a child in many ways and needs so much support. I get sick of having to tell him the most basic of things and I don’t know what’s going to become of him. He has got some social skills and has some friends, but he lives like a caveman and I don’t know how he’s going to manage an internship or live independently.

Try looking at the website for the charity Action for Aspergers this is a charity which helps families of those with ASD. I have found them helpful.

Your DS sounds so similar to my DB. My DM has always sorted everything out for him, and he's unable to look after himself. We used to have him to stay occasionally, but it became untenable and we don't now. He really stinks and when he left we would have to hold our noses to go into the room to tidy up after him. In addition, he can get very angry and used to shout at our DDs.

There were other reasons why we stopped inviting him, connected with the past, and we're virtually NC with him.

He has a Sanctuary Housing flat, which is invariably in a terrible state, though DM has arranged a cleaner, so that it doesn't become too bad. (There were rats in his flat a few years ago and he was nearly evicted.)

There are other options for your DS, and it really is worth contacting Social Services to ask for help. What we've found is that if a vulnerable adult has support from family then they use that as an excuse not to get involved.

You have to fight for the help you need. Your GP can refer him to your Community Mental Health team (if they're not already involved). MIND is excellent, you can get your DS therapy through them. They can refer him to a psychiatrist as well if needed. The cost is subsidised as well, a £5 donation in the city where we live. Our city also has a carers' support group, which a close friend of mine has found very supportive.

It's obviously dependent on where you live, but there will be support available. But you need to be totally honest about how hard it is for you.

Eugh, I keep typing out a long message and then getting redirected to some other page and it all disappears!

OP I work with adults with ASD (in London). Does your son have any ambition to find a job or live independently etc? He should still be entitled to an Education Health and Care Plan until he is 25 and that can get you access to a lot of services. You would need to request an assessment from your LEA.

Also, Your local Adult’s Services may have a desperate ASD team who could assess your son and inform you of any support you might be entitled to (nothing to do with his IQ, he still has a disability).

I work with a few people with similar traits, especially the not showering thing and I can imagine how hard it is for the parents.

Let me know if I can offer anymore advice via PM.

He has lots of ambition, not particularly realistic ambitions though. He has had absolutely loads of therapy but you can’t cure autism.

• Separate, not desperate!

I would definitely focus on finding something to occupy his time and preferably boost his feeling of self worth (obviously easier said than done). I think ThatGirl82's comment is great.

It's not about finding a cure. There isn't one for my DB either. (Or my DD1 (9) as well, who we're currently fighting to get help for). It's about getting him help with his MH issues (you say he has anxiety and depression?) and support for you.

The main thing is, you shouldn't be coping with this on your own. There will be support groups around, even if only online. I'm an adoptive parent and sometimes it's so helpful to be able to talk things through with people who understand what it's like.

You have just described me thirty years ago.

Im a motormouth aspie.
Didnt shower from leaving school until I decided to get clean at 26. Didnt wash teeth or clothes. Only changed clothes when they started to disintegrate. I was a biker.
Couldnt smell myself so I was sure I didnt smell - not that I cared anyhow.
I lost my career due to my workmates not liking me very much.
Not sure why but can now probably guess.
I didnt like people. At all.
Ive never really understood humour, although apparently Im extremely funny. No idea why.
Ive no interest in comedians, although I would have if I thought it would help me fit in.

I would have got cleaner faster and improved my communications somewhat if someone had taken the time to repeatedly - until I got it- tell me what not fixing my behaviour would cost me.

Within a year of fixing my behaviour, I got a girlfriend, a flat and a job as a Head Foreman. Work I had never considered before.

Two years later I took a post as a Quality Control Inspector and loved it.

I needed someone I trusted - like my mum to explain to me that I needed to wash every day and be civilised - with descriptions of what that is as its not obvious. Not smoke everywhere or swear, or any of the other habits I picked up

Not doing this means you have only prospects for rubbish jobs that pay bad money and no chance of getting a good home or a beautiful girlfriend.

Ive now got two DS. 19 and 23. So far - touch wood...telling them the obvious consequences of their behaviour has stopped them developing too many bad habits.

Sorry that was sooo long.

Hi Strange I don't have experience directly like yours but I do have a sibling with ASD so I kind of understand.

I feel one of the really challenging aspects of living with a family member with ASD is that because of the nature of the disability, your (I mean the non-ASD person's) sensitivities, needs and feelings can sometimes get lost by the wayside and kind of overwhelmed. Both because the ASD person is obviously more vulnerable and needy etc, but also because the nature of ASD means that person probably isn't able to be as live to your requirements and sensitivities.

I know that ASD comes with so many challenges for the person themselves but that doesn't mean we should gloss over how difficult it can be to support those people either.

You deserve to be happy and relaxed as much as anyone else and I'm wondering if there is anyone IRL who you can really offload to or share your feelings with?

Hugs ;)

I can't work out what you want OP. One minute you describe his actions as being impossible for him to control, he couldn't clean a flat or go shopping, so definitely because of his ASD. The next you are saying he isn't disabled and won't get help or benefits.

It can't be both. . To me, he sounds like he is disabled under the Equality Act and as such entitled to help from SS, charities, benefits like PIP and sheltered housing/hostels. But if you insist that he wouldn't get help/fit the criteria, is just choosing to do this to fit in, then you need to tell him to shut the f*ck up and grow up. Harsh, but true. But as I said, I don't think it's that at all.

My son is the same age and now is living independently with his gf and about to do his last year of uni. It was a long slog getting here, half a year of A levels, two college courses abandoned after a year until a counsellor at one of the colleges suggested he stop thinking of trying to get a 'proper job' and do a 'proper course' and do something fun that he had a chance of finishing. He chose acting and passed the course with distinction. His degree is in a similar vein.
His social behaviour during the drama course was horrific and we got SS involved. We were 'lucky' in that he was using recreational drugs too often so they managed to get him into a charity hostel just up the road from us. That gave him space from us telling him not to rant, rave and swear at us, telling him not to be on the Xbox at 4am etc but it also gave him some fairly strict rules and accountability and a healthy fear of some of the other residents!
They helped him apply to uni, apply for finance and even drove him there to settle him in. Two years on, no one recognises him. He's self weaned from the Xbox which caused so many of his anger problems. He no longer takes any drugs and this year even gave up alcohol too as it doesn't mix well with the impulsivity of ADD. He now cooks and cleans, his girlfriend is a no nonsense girl who tells him, over and over, what his responsibilities are in their partnership and he's really happy. I now have a relationship with him that I hadn't had since puberty.

They can change. ASD and ADD don't have to mean they are never independent but I do think him living comfortably at home is the enemy of progress. There are lots of charities that can help your son learn to live in a flat of his own and that may prove the key to his maturing out of the 'funny' joking behaviour. My son used to talk very loudly about right wing politics etc to get a rise out of people. Now he gets his attention from people because of his career path.

I just wanted to say it's okay not to like him. We don't always have to like every second of everyday. It's true!

I think people are discussing money & SS because they, perhaps, read your post and thought him living independently might relieve some of the burden on you? Fair enough if you just want a moan, but I think the advice comes from a good place.

Anyone you can let off steam with? A friend or a partner you can complain to over a G&T (or a cuppa!) and have a hug and feel a bit better with? Hugs OP.