Parent behaviour

[falconrising]

My mother has been staying. Aibu or am I being too sensitive?

We've never had a good relationship . Most of my childhood was spent taking the piss out of me for being conscientious with my school work, wanting to stick to the rules and being very very anxious.

She lives several hundred miles away and I stopped visiting her years ago as it was a lot of hassle with babies and toddlers and everything was on her terms, which made life with very young kids really hard work. (I.e. Let's go to this place for the day where there's no opportunity for naps, nothing to interest the kids , and a long travelling time).

She invites herself to our house. Since she's been here I've been organising days out for her and the kids, and trying to do fun things for us all, whilst also keeping up with work (I work from home) in the evenings. she's spent most of the time we're at home in her room or playing on her iPad, and is never very interested in chat with me. Thankfully a few visits ago I told her no piss taking, no jokes at my expense, and she's stuck to it.

She seems so uninterested in our lives, I don't know why she bothers coming up. She's barely interacted with the kids except reading them one story.

She's done her usual of eating all the snacks and booze and leaving the tiniest amount in the packet so she doesn't actually finish it, and leaving food smears over the kitchen and fridge.

I'm so tired of it all. Aibu or just over sensitive?

I just feel like I'm constantly clearing up after her, shopping to replace all the stuff she scoffs whilst she's here (last night after dinner it was 5 big yoghurts, 2 packets of kids snack flapjacks, several slices of toast with half a jar of my expensive spread, half a bottle of gin) adding to my workload in trying to do nice things for her, getting nothing in return. I've got stricter and stricter with her over the years, saying what I won't tolerate (changing my plans to accommodate her visits, no being nasty to me and the kids ), but without actually saying , no you can't stay, I don't know how to manage this

Yanbu.
If she decided this were her last visit, would you feel relieved?

I would be utterly delighted, such a relief

Tell her that her share of groceries is £££

I've never asked anyone to pay for their food if they come to stay, but then again, everyone else, I've invited, and actually wanted them there!

I went NC with my parents. It was intensely unpleasant and stressful doing it and I even felt guilty for a few weeks.
Then all the family drama kicked off again over something else and the relief at not having to be involved was overwhelming.

YADNBU

Say no to her, tell her she needs to go. She may not be verbally taking the piss out of you but she is in every other way. Don't feel bad either, she clearly doesn't

Thanks all. I'd very much like to go NC, she only makes me feel bad about myself. There's a part of me that is scared to do that, as I will have no parental contact at all if I do that. (As a result of not seeing my dad, due to his wife being very aggressive and argumentative towards me, she clearly has mental health issues but won't get help). I feel that I'm who I now, where I am now (which is relatively successful, adulting to a reasonable level!), despite my parents, rather than because of them. But then again I've been anxious and had depression most of my life, so I don't know if I'm being overly dramatic?

Stop replacing the things she eats
Put the children's treats in a box with their name on.

Have just been into the room where she's staying. Absolutely vile brown marks all over the sheets. Actually makes me feel sick to think I have to touch it

@fuzzyfozzy the kids things are in a separate box, in a separate cupboard, that she knows is their stuff only. She roots through it all and finds it.

If I didn't replace the food, we would have little to eat. She doesn't actually mention it though, so it's usually when I'm making a meal or getting the kids a snack that I realise there's nothing left

I live only 30 mins drive from my DParents, and I really have no desire to see them. They come to visit my DC, but I always feel it's more out of a perceived 'duty' rather than actually wanting to see them. When they come - for 2-3 hours, including lunch - they don't do anything with them, just sit there and talk to each other. Once I had to go out so I got out some little games/puzzles that we had just got: DS told me that as soon as I had left my DM put them all away and let them play on their ipads. My DF even used to bring his newspaper and bugger off to another room to sit and read it. But if you spoke to them, you would be convinced that they were devoted to their DGC and did so much with them. They have never taken them anywhere, despite being in good health and having a car. Last time they came they were bitching about people (very usual, my DPs are very judgemental about appearance) and when I didn't join in or agree, DM got mean and tried to upset me by being goady. I didn't bite, as I see it now, and her words no longer have the desired effect. They hardly come now and it's bliss.

@Piffle11 that sounds much like the situation here. She's very judgemental about appearance and bitches about others which makes me so uncomfortable . I don't rise to it. It would be bliss if decided she no longer wanted to come up. She always says what a lovely time she's had, and how she enjoyed seeing the kids. She wasn't involved as a parent, so I'm not surprised that she doesn't want to be involved as a grandparent . Don't know why she pays so much for travel when she doesn't do anything with them, or speak to me.

Dump her before you end up having to look after her in old age. It’ll involve much worse things than brown marks on the sheets She sounds like an awful teenager, sorry.

@CeridwensCottage agree, but how do I even start that conversation?

Do you want to go no contact?

5 big yoghurts! What a greedy pig

Ask her to take the kids out while you work?

You don't like her and she adds nothing to your life. Also sounds like she was a terrible parent.

Cut her loose and ride out the guilt. You will feel better for it. You don't owe her anything.

She’ll go home soon, presumably? So either email and say you’d rather not see her again given her shitty behaviour or wait til she says she’s coming again then tell her no. Keep saying no. She sounds foul.

If she had a great relationship with your kids and just rubbed you up the wrong way, then it would be fair to have reservations about going NC. But she just sounds like a PITA, and since she can control her behaviour when you set boundaries, then its pretty clear she's doing it on purpose.

God she sounds like a PIA. Even if you don't want to go NC I think you should restrict her visits. Decide how long (if at all) you can tolerate her and how much you're prepared to accommodate her (e.g. don't put more food or drink out than you're happy for her to get through each day. Even if it means hiding it elsewhere and rationing it out. Don't feel you have to entertain her every day).

Yep I'd move the kids stuff to my room, but no alcohol, cook stuff she doesn't like, go out so she can spend quality time with the gc
And secretly hope she doesn't ask to come back!

Thanks for all your advice. Yes she has food issues, and yes 5 yoghurts is greedy. She actually bought the yoghurts, but troughed everything else of ours. We do hide a lot of stuff, but would be busted if the kids asked for a snack and then saw me getting it out of my bedroom! She had a gastric band fitted but eats around it by eating lots of soft foods that she stuff in without making herself sick. She has no self control. I don't mind people eating our food, in fact I love to cook for people, it's the complete lack of respect that upsets me. We'll go to bed and she'll stay up late eating all the snacks, after eating a few bites of dinner and saying she's full. But what upsets me the most is the disrespect of our house, getting everything grimy without cleaning it up, and the complete lack of interest in us. Even that I could get over (which I've been working on all my life, being ok with the fact that she doesn't give a shit about me, or her grandkids), but it really upsets me when she comes to our house and shoves all this lack of interest and respect in my face, when I've worked so hard to get over it

If she doesn't care how you feel, why should you care about her feelings?

Put all the stuff she binges on away - who cares if she sees? If she asks, which she probably won't, tell her why.

These people have rhino hide for skins. You have to care less.

Yes I would love to go NC with her. The kids aren't interested in her much. The eldest at all, and the youngest quite likes her sometimes. The youngest is very affectionate with everyone though and loves to hug. I will refuse future visits and say we're busy, the kids need a holiday rather than to stay at home with a grandparent who spends mealtimes looking at an iPad and not talking to them