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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parent behaviour

55 replies

falconrising · 26/07/2018 11:01

My mother has been staying. Aibu or am I being too sensitive?

We've never had a good relationship . Most of my childhood was spent taking the piss out of me for being conscientious with my school work, wanting to stick to the rules and being very very anxious.

She lives several hundred miles away and I stopped visiting her years ago as it was a lot of hassle with babies and toddlers and everything was on her terms, which made life with very young kids really hard work. (I.e. Let's go to this place for the day where there's no opportunity for naps, nothing to interest the kids , and a long travelling time).

She invites herself to our house. Since she's been here I've been organising days out for her and the kids, and trying to do fun things for us all, whilst also keeping up with work (I work from home) in the evenings. she's spent most of the time we're at home in her room or playing on her iPad, and is never very interested in chat with me. Thankfully a few visits ago I told her no piss taking, no jokes at my expense, and she's stuck to it.

She seems so uninterested in our lives, I don't know why she bothers coming up. She's barely interacted with the kids except reading them one story.

She's done her usual of eating all the snacks and booze and leaving the tiniest amount in the packet so she doesn't actually finish it, and leaving food smears over the kitchen and fridge.

I'm so tired of it all. Aibu or just over sensitive?

OP posts:
Original poster
falconrising · 26/07/2018 18:19

Regarding taking the kids out so I can work, they would hate that, the eldest would cry and cling to me, it wouldn't be fair on them, they don't want to be left alone with her

OP posts:
ItLooksABitOff · 26/07/2018 18:29

YANBU, I have a similar situation with my mother.

fuzzyfozzy · 26/07/2018 18:52

The. I'm not sure who benefits from these visits.

Original poster
falconrising · 26/07/2018 19:31

@ItLooksABitOff sorry to hear that. What are/have you done about it?

@fuzzyfozzy I have no idea. I really don't know why she comes here

OP posts:
ItLooksABitOff · 26/07/2018 20:07

@falconrising

We're on LC (limited contact) but we don't live in the same country, so that's easy for me to do. She was an unreliable parent until I was about 8, when she just gave up pretending completely. The last time she visited I had to:

Introduce her to the concept of Poise/Depends (parentification! story of my life)
Listen to her laughing when I argued with DP
We were reno'ing our house at the time and had rented an apartment. My DP was too busy so I was running the reno, working full time, etc etc and the final straw was coming home one day and having her ask what's for dinner. After she'd been alone in the house ALL DAY.

I was so triggered by the end I was getting panic attacks. She hasn't been allowed to visit for years.

I recommend you get a good therapist, if you can afford it. Mine helped me see her behaviour for what it is and put down healthy boundaries.

You don't owe her these visits.

ItLooksABitOff · 26/07/2018 20:09

I find she reverts back to an almost childlike state with me, like she's another child. It reminds me of your mother's actions. Parentification (expecting the child to take on the role of the parent) is a form of child abuse. I suspect you have also experienced it. Good luck on your journey. Flowers

Original poster
falconrising · 26/07/2018 20:35

@ItLooksABitOff that sounds extremely familiar. Mine would do the same re: dinner. She expected that I would rearrange my whole schedule to accommodate her visit. My whole childhood was about her, and I was the one who had to remember to do everything for myself, and keep the peace between my parents, before and after their divorce. As a result I became self sufficient, and a people pleaser as it avoided rows, but I still ended up miserable as someone was always unhappy with me. I still find it nigh on impossible to accept help. I'll look into a therapist, in your experience , is any type better than any other?

OP posts:
Original poster
falconrising · 26/07/2018 20:36

Also what is poise/depends?

OP posts:
PoisonousSmurf · 26/07/2018 20:40

Next time she visits refuse to let her in. If she bangs and screams at the door, call the police!
You don't have to let her in.

ItLooksABitOff · 26/07/2018 20:40

www.poise.com/en-us

bladder issues etc. thanks, Mum. blech.

re: therapists. Mine is a trained social worker who also has had training in counselling etc. I'm not sure where you are, but any good therapist should allow you to chat to them for free first to see if it's a good fit. My advice is, don't settle - you need to find the one you 'click' with.

Original poster
falconrising · 26/07/2018 23:14

@ItLooksABitOff so are you saying that your mum was wetting herself and you were the one who had to get her to wear incontinence pads?

Bleugh. My mother has an issue with dental hygiene, and has done since I was a child. Her breath smells terrible and yet she does nothing about it. She also picks her ears with things and leaves it lying around, and don't get me started on the nose picking, the farting and the constant burping.

Ewww ewww ewww

OP posts:
Original poster
falconrising · 26/07/2018 23:16

@PoisonousSmurf she lives too far away to just turn up at my door (thankfully) she arranges travel and then tells me she needs collecting from a train station or airport of bus station. Usually late at night.

OP posts:
Original poster
falconrising · 26/07/2018 23:17

I really want to email her and say you're not coming back, but am scared of the fallout. Also know that she'll start calling constantly to beg me to change my mind, as well as tell me how horrible I am, and I don't want to speak to her

OP posts:
UpstartCrow · 26/07/2018 23:23

There won't be as much fallout as you think, especially as its difficult for her to get to your house.
And once you get over that hump you no longer have to put up with her bullying you at all.

Original poster
falconrising · 27/07/2018 10:24

You're right. I'm going to do it. Now I've got to find the right words.
Obviously I'm hurt and angry, but should I stick to facts rather than feelings? I.e. You didn't speak to us, you left a mess, rather than you're obviously not interested in us, you don't respect me and I'm fuming?

Spurred on to do this by taking a look in the bathroom and seeing the disgusting mess in the sink and toilet that I'll have to don gloves to clean up. Puke

OP posts:
fuzzyfozzy · 27/07/2018 11:16

I didn't enjoy your visit very much, I found it hard replacing all the children's food you took, I thought you'd want to spend time with your gc. So I think we'll leave it a while til your next visit.
And then obviously never answer the phone again!

longwayoff · 27/07/2018 11:23

Look, she's not going to change, why would she when you willingly accommodate her,? Tell her she's stayed long enough, it wont hurt her feelings if she's as insensitive as you say. Sounds an absolute nightmare. Be kinder to yourself.

Anonymumm · 27/07/2018 11:37

This sounds like a complete role reversal, and like she is the child.

You are not being unreasonable at all, and normally, out of courtesy, when we've had guests they have contributed something, be it a bottle of wine, or a wee token to say thank you, having said that we've only ever had guests stay a couple of nights - my Aunty comes up to visit my parents each year, for 2 or 3 weeks, and always leaves some money in a card in her room when she's left, my parents don't expect this, but she just likes to contribute, because, whichever way you cut it, having guests is an added expense, especially when they then start playing at being the hungry caterpillar!

I think you should maybe work at setting some boundaries with her, and as for the marks on the sheets, I'd have no qualms in saying to her "Mum, the washing machines free for a load to go on if you'd like to strip your bed and pop it in" (without being indelicate, thebstains are probably the effects of the yoghurts, flapjacks, and gin, with, or without a gastric band) or say "Mum, were all out of gin, would you mind nipping to the shops to replace the bottle you finished last night and getting the kids some snacks whilst you're there, that'd be great"
Or "Mum, please don't think me rude, but would you mind contributing something towards the grocery bill for the time you're here? We work to a budget and we are going way over, and it's X amount of days til payday"

You don't want to rock the boat but she's hopped aboard your ship, and you're the captain - steer it! :-)

Anonymumm · 27/07/2018 11:44

I would bring her the gloves and ask if she'd mind cleaning up the bathroom.

I'd stick with being polite whilst she's there, as it will only serve to rile things up, you can't change the fact that she's there with you now, and you won't have any guilt then (not that you should have, I hasten to add, but if you intend this being her last visit, then try to end things on a 'high')

After she's gone, you could maybe say something along the lines of "thanks for coming, lovely seeing you but, being completely honest, it's just too much having us all under the same roof, and we won't be able to manage it again"

Or you could wait until she asks to come again and then say "it's just too much for us all being under the same roof, it's not the same as when the kids were tiny"

Original poster
falconrising · 27/07/2018 12:13

Good suggestions , thank you. She's now gone, so no opportunity to ask her to contribute, or to clean up. I think I'm going to need to be blunt, no "I enjoyed your visit", as that's simply not true. I need to spell it out to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
falconrising · 27/07/2018 13:21

I've done it. Was quite restrained in my message. Now bricking it, awaiting a reply (because she's always got a defence as to why it's not her fault). Only slight concern is that she tries to face time my kids on iPads. She might stoop that low. I've turned off the landline so she can't leave nasty messages for the kids to hear though

OP posts:
Anonymumm · 27/07/2018 16:04

Well done, it can't have been easy but she needed to know :-)

Anonymumm · 27/07/2018 16:07

And you were right to be honest, I'm a people pleaser too and hate saying no to people, but it results in giving people an inch, and they take a mile - it's better to talk straight sometimes.

Original poster
falconrising · 27/07/2018 17:34

You're right, it wasn't easy. I'm so on edge now, waiting to see if she'll respond in some way Shock

OP posts:
ItLooksABitOff · 27/07/2018 18:42

@falconrising can I vent here?

after years of successfully avoiding a visit, my parents are coming. They said they'd like to stay with us a 'few days' then go to a hotel. A few days I thought I could handle.

my mother emailed the dates last night. They want to stay with us for 8 days. 8 fucking days. She claims she will cook for us etc but based on every other visit, she'll do it once then lie around etc etc.

Any DP emailed them back and said no, 8 days is too long.

Waiting for the blowback.

faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaark

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