To envy 'proper grown ups'?

[RedZebra]

Lately I've been thinking about how I wish I was more of a 'proper grown up' and feeling a bit of towards people who are. Here's my list of what IMHO makes a proper grown up:

People who seem to have their shit together:

• Have good financial plans / approach e.g. stuff like
  • mortgage paid off early in life
  • pensions
  • ISAs
  • second homes
  • homes they rent out
• Seem confident and decisive
• Have some kind of polish / upstanding citizen feel about them (hard to put finger on this)
• Not big drinkers or pot smokers
• Have interests and hobbies e.g. triathlon, cycling
• Have regular holidays planned well in advance
• Have regular idyllic seeming big family meals and get togethers at Easter and Christmas and family birthdays
• Have families that are proper-seeming and not nuts or chaotic
• Have good professions and are well respected
• Have well behaved children with interesting hobbies who get top grades

AIBU to envy these types of people?

How do people who tick most of the above do it? How do they 'know' to do and be all the right things as adults? Do you think it's a kind of family training or do you think you can acquire this approach?

Comparison is the thief of happiness.

Perfection is the enemy of good.

I promise you that every single family has at least one nutter. It's just that some families are really good at hiding the fact. For a while, at least. Just look at the royal family! Everything comes out in the end, though.

Why are we slagging off people who enjoy sport, have hobbies and don't drink or smoke pot?

I don't get it.

For me a proper grown up is someone who plays an active part in society and has learnt to get along with others, whilst enjoying life with all its ups and downs.

I make no apologies for my healthy lifestyle-it help me to feel well mentally and physically. When I'm well I can live my life well, and what's the harm in that?

If that makes me boring in the eyes of many, I couldn't give a toss.

Grown up is the ability to talk about climate change over cheese and wine when needed while thinking about how later on you'll be scoffing crisps with a disaronno and coke whilst watching real housewives of atlanta and wondering why Kenya is such a BITCH.

Taking charge of your responsibilities is being a grown up. Second home sounds like too much stress anyway

Plan, organize and work hard.

I don't think any of the things on the list indicate whether someone is 'grown-up' or not:

Having a 'proper seeming' family? What does that even mean?
Second homes and so on are just about wealth.
Children who get top grades? - What about kids that excel in areas other than academics?
Cycling makes you an adult? - Is someone who has no 'hobbies' not an adult then?

For me, grown up is taking responsibility for yourself, having some perspective (i.e. not thinking everything revolves around you and being aware of other people and their situations) and not being a complete drama queen. But that's just my personal view.

It is interesting to hear how different ppl view success; it's very illuminating.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster love your post from 10:30, sounds like you saw a visible difference in behaviours between those who got ahead financially and those who didn't.

That was what I was looking for from this thread - wanting to know the recipe for success - so I could work out where I went wrong and hopefully fix it and steer my kids in the right direction. I probably should have just said that in my OP!

pennycarbonara that contradiction you identified between the messaging (from advertising and peers) that people should be out having fun (boozing and going to festivals etc) in their 20s but somehow miraculously turn it around in their 30s is fascinating. Sounds like young people are getting very mixed messages.

Hideandgo where can I read more about the super wealth approach to debt and how to leverage it? I am so clueless but want to learn.

allthegoodusernamesaretaken to eating blue cheese being the grown up thing to do. Finally a box I can tick! And olives too!

BunsOfAnarchy I love your definition of being grown up. I'm off to practice my climate change over cheese and wine chat...

red there's actually a book about that very issue; planning in your 20s for your future, it's called 'The Defining Decade' by Meg Jay. I read it when I was early 20s and found it quite helpful.

I think in terms of helping your kids, teaching them to be responsible and the value of money is important. My DPs helped me I would say by expecting me to be responsible for myself (get myself to secondary school, manage money, part-time work, my homework etc.). They were always there for support and advice or a sounding board if needed but they expected me to do a lot of stuff for myself and I personally think that has helped me to be fairly responsible which helps in adult life in terms of financial planning, careers and so on.

I think most people would see me as a proper grown up.

I'm well-paid in a well-respected job, as is DH
We have a nice Victorian terrace in a fairly affluent area
We don't drink much and certainly don't take drugs
We'll be mortgage-free in two years (aged 34)
We have savings
We have pensions
We have enough money to buy a second home but I morally don't agree with this so never would
I think I always look well-turned out
I work hard and dragged myself out of a childhood of poverty through hardwork and determination

The truth is... I have no fucking idea what I'm doing in life. I sometimes look at my life and think "is that mine? Seriously?" and then I'm filled with this sense of panic as though I've been left holding a priceless Faberge egg and I'm wearing rollerblades.

I look around at other people who seem to have a very similar life to me and I think "but they're really grown up. They seem to know what they're doing". Truth is, everyone's just making it up as they go along

I’m 28 I grew up in children’s homes and had multiple moves and schools. I left “care” at 16 with no qualifications and I lurched from one disaster to another for the next 6 years, abusing drugs and being a pain in the arse. My entire life was a slow boiling catastrophe. I cleaned myself up and did an access course and I start an open university degree in January. I met my partner and we have a daughter. So whilst I am never going to be an upstanding member of the community, or rich or have decent parents etc I’m pretty happy to even be alive considering my starting point 😂

The other day I looked in the fridge and there were three types of hummus. I had this kind of epiphany where my 15-year-old --chavvy- self was in the room looking in awe thinking "fuck me, you've made it, you're an adult".

Slightly off topic but this is why you get such a polarised view when people say 70k is not a high salary or a 100k income doesn’t go far. So much is dependent on age, where you live & if & when you are on the housing ladder.

I have all except two. Both grew up poor but have close families, worked hard and were fortunate.

I do not feel like an impostor but knew the posts banging on about it all being a facade just had to show up. Nope. Some people are really sorted and you can have loads on this list without being wealthy. My parents had most of them when we had to live in a caravan.

I had a meeting recently with DC1s future teacher. Times like that I think “how did I get here”, “eek” etc. I don’t think I will ever feel like a grown up!

link to credit that quote: thequietus.com/articles/22536-saint-etienne-home-counties-album-review

Wrong thread!

You can have all those things/qualities and be unhappy.

• Have good financial plans / approach e.g. stuff like
• mortgage paid off early in life - we still have a mortgage
• pensions - yes
• ISAs kinda
• second homes - hahahahaha
• homes they rent out - hahahahaha
• Seem confident and decisive- yes I am
• Have some kind of polish / upstanding citizen feel about them (hard to put finger on this) - dunno about that, if Ive showered maybe
• Not big drinkers or pot smokers - hate pot, odd glass of wine
• Have interests and hobbies e.g. triathlon, cycling - i cycle
• Have regular holidays planned well in advance - yes
• Have regular idyllic seeming big family meals and get togethers at Easter and Christmas and family birthdays - idyllic??? chaos more like.
• Have families that are proper-seeming and not nuts or chaotic - from the outside
• Have good professions and are well respected - i guess
• Have well behaved children with interesting hobbies who get top grades - kids are 1 and 4 - hobbies amount to the park and climbing on tables.

I perceive myself to still be a kid at 36, but I can tell from other peoples reactions they don't.

Liffydee I'm so impressed by what you've achieved.

Oh dear. I am retired, but not a proper grown-up, according to your checklist. No hope for me then.

I'm 40 and still don't feel like a grown up. I agree with others that a lot of your list is to do with wealth or circumstances.

I have no mortgage on the house we live in and have a house rented out. But this is because both parents have passed away and the 1st house was theirs. Tenants about to leave other house so will probably sell it.

I used to be a professional, so have a pension from that and have a small isa.

I am a sahp to 2 dc. This has given me the opportunity to volunteer/be involved in local groups.

Holidays have been planned/organised a while in advance. Time off needed booking and better deals are found earlier (last few UK based under £600 for a week).

Big family get together. I'm an only child. In laws are lovely, but visiting in ad hoc not big meals type things.

My life has recently changed dramatically. Dh died a few months ago. People have commented on my strength since it happened. What choice is there? They look at me like i'm a 'grown up'

Ps I occasionally drink (on the rare chance I get to go out!), have never smoked anything, and the family that's around is lovely, but not 'normal' (whatever that means!).

I have 'craft' hobbies.

Eldest dc is generally polite and well behaved but is only 7. Youngest only a baby!

Honestly op, everyone is just doing what they can, try not to compare.

for you, Shakeatailfeather. You definitely have earned the “grownup” badge. So sorry to read about your DH.

Things I secretly covet and see as grown up:

Matching sofas in the living room, neither of which once went on fire and shows the scars

Fitted kitchen not random ex caravan cupboards and work tops

Carpet in the bathroom

Beige carpet in the living room and/or bedroom

Clean, nice smelling car

Kitchen appliances in same colours

Dishwasher

Clean fish tanks with no algae growth at all...