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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this trip away is just for my ex husband?

54 replies

klw777 · 25/07/2018 23:36

I’ll keep it brief as I can. My soon to be ex husband wants to take our children on a trip to see his parents who live 4.5 hours away. He plans to leave friday morning and return Sunday morning / early afternoon. My eldest in on the spectrum and will struggle with the length of the journey. My youngest clashes with her Dad as he lacks empathy and they lock horns a lot.
I’m their main carer, they spend one day and night a week with him. I’ve said I think this trip is really only to oblige him but he says he wants to take the children to see his family, none of whom excluding grandparents who are fairly young at 65 odd come to see the children ever. I don’t think they’ll get anything from it but I know my judgement as their Mum is clouded at times. AIBU to say I don’t want them to go? Be gentle please Flowers

OP posts:
Addy2 · 25/07/2018 23:41

I think he could get a court order if your refused. Doesn't seem worth it to my eyes.

Seasawride · 25/07/2018 23:44

Any way you could go too??

LadyRussell · 25/07/2018 23:46

TBF it’s not going to kill anyone and they are his kids too and he wants to take his kids to see his family which is perfectly normal.

Does your DS have a tablet or something to occupy him on the journey?

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 25/07/2018 23:49

If it's on one of the days he normally has them, you can't really do a lot about it. It will probably be a disaster, but that's for him to deal with. And a disaster will be the only thing to deter him from making the same plan again. You will have to deal with the aftermath, but the alternative is to give him evidence of you being unreasonable and trying to block contact with your children's wider family- I don't think that plays well in court, should he choose that route in future.
Are there things you can plan for when they come back, to help them settle and become less anxious/angry?

BoomBoomsCousin · 26/07/2018 00:44

Unless there is a massive drip you have held back on for brevity, I think YABU to think it is just for your Ex and that there is no value in him trying to pursue relationships between his children and his extended family. YANBU to think it's possible it will be a bit of a disaster.

Leeds2 · 26/07/2018 00:54

I would let them go, and let him deal with any outcomes. Maybe suggest he brings them back Monday morning.

SurfnTerfFantasticmissfoxy · 26/07/2018 01:05

Unless there is more of a back story - then YABU
He is their dad, and most kids have to go on family trips to visit elderly relatives etc that they don't get a huge amount out of, it's just a fact of life.
Worst case scenario they have a boring weekend, no big deal and certainly not your decision to refuse.

Fucksakewhatatwat · 26/07/2018 03:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sirzy · 26/07/2018 03:31

Yabu. It’s nice for the children to be able to spend time with extended family.

If you worried about the length of travel can you suggest adding a night or two?

kateandme · 26/07/2018 04:20

if this is going to happen which I think it has to as you cant stop it unless there is some untold backstory then try and work with your ex dh to make this as ok and manageable as possible.this is for your kids now that you need to work together so ds feels safe and dd feels cared for.make them excited bout seeing their gp they haven't seen for so long!
also family trips that us kids hate are par for the course.weve all had them.hated them but our parents tells us we're going so we do.

fivelittleduckies · 26/07/2018 04:50

Yabu, they are your DCs family as well. Based on the info you have given I see no reason to assume this is only a trip that is for your ex as it benefits your children and their extended family.

BitOutOfPractice · 26/07/2018 05:44

Yabu I'm afraid. It's not exactly an outlandish request. He's their parent too.

MyOtherProfile · 26/07/2018 05:47

Unless there's more to the story it seems odd to query him wanting his kids to have time with his family. Do they spend time with your family?

Cath2907 · 26/07/2018 06:25

YABU - he is taking his kids to see his parents. Nothing unreasonable about that!

user1493413286 · 26/07/2018 06:34

As said before unless there is a lot more to it I would just accept it. I get what you’re saying about his parents not coming to see them but it’s good for them to get to know their wider family.

feathermucker · 26/07/2018 06:36

As their father, he is fully entitled to take them.

cricketmum84 · 26/07/2018 06:53

Sorry but I do think you are being a little unreasonable here.

They are his kids too and he is more than entitled to take them to visit his family. Presumably he is aware that the kids may not handle the long journey very well but do suggest a couple of breaks if you are concerned? If you spend the rest of their lives avoiding any long journeys cos you think they can't deal with it then you are never going to leave your own county...

Namechange128 · 26/07/2018 07:05

YAB a bit U unless there is way more backstory, it's important for children to have family relationships and even some relatively healthy 65 year olds might find that drive too far, due to say back pain or bladder issues, or even just staying focussed for a long trip. Perhaps if they see the children now, next time they will also think it's worth the trip back!

It is a long drive to do in one go during the day, though. Could he break it up part way with a playground or lunch or similar? And/or on Sunday could he then leave a bit later, stop for say dinner and change into pjs at a village or services and then continue on, maybe letting them doze? Otherwise just make sure they have fully loaded devices of some kind and loads of snacks and hope for the best...

Jimdandy · 26/07/2018 07:11

It’s not really up to you to interfere with what he doesn’t when it’s his contact time. It sounds as if you’re being a little bit spiteful and awkward.

crisscrosscranky · 26/07/2018 07:21

YABU. We all take our kids on duty visits to family we don't see often; that doesn't changed for separated families.

Please don't let your negativity show to the kids as if your ex already finds their behaviour challenging adding an additional barrier won't help him.

TheShapeOfEwe · 26/07/2018 07:53

YABU, this is a very normal and reasonable thing for him to want to do. Suggest they spend another night if possible to break up the long journeys.

Original poster
klw777 · 26/07/2018 08:35

Thanks for your replies.
Additional back story is their Dad has never been interested in any of the family trips we have taken (we have left the country and done long journeys on a number of occasions but he didn’t help with any of the planning and thinks you can just put them in the car and drive for four hours straight.
Eldest has aspergers so I am very protective of pressure put on him mentally. He’s also car sick so a tablet etc is out but I did suggest a a DVD player each as he seems to manage that ok.
The longest he has wanted to have them is Saturday morning to Sunday morning so this is a longer trip. They both tell me that he plays with my son a lot and just leaves my daughter to it. There have been some issues in his home whereby I have questioned his supervision of them (him sitting on skype whilst they got his car keys and went out onto the alley at the back to sit in the car and eat sweets before he noticed..) so understandably my anxiety is heightened with regards to a trip away and their well-being.
He also makes no effort to understand either of them emotionally but then he lacks emotional awareness and is likely on the autistic spectrum himself.
There’s also a dismissed allegation of sexual abuse with his grandfather (another grandchild who is grown up now so they don’t see them).
All in all, I’m just worried I guess but thank you for the replies, they help.

OP posts:
Original poster
klw777 · 26/07/2018 08:36

@jimdandy
I’m guessing you’re potentially a Dad? I’m not being spiteful at all and your reply was not constructive nor helpful. And as I explained initially it is beyond his contact time which I hasten to add he cancels when he has better plans such as stag do’s, weekends away etc.

OP posts:
fantasia243 · 26/07/2018 08:39

Sorry, YABU. It's not out of the ordinary for a single parent to want to take DC to visit close relatives. You complain about that side of the family never showing an interest in your kids - well, perhaps they will more if they are given the chance to form a bond.
Like it or not, your ex is stil their parent and when the DCs are in his care, what he says goes.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 26/07/2018 08:41

YABVU, yes it may be outside his contact time but he is their dad and so an equal parent. I've seen how sticking to the exact contact time damages relationships with parents and it's just selfish of the parents. Children should be free to spend time with both as they wish.

Wanting the children to see his side of the family isn't an unreasonable request at all.