To think this trip away is just for my ex husband?

[klw777]

I’ll keep it brief as I can. My soon to be ex husband wants to take our children on a trip to see his parents who live 4.5 hours away. He plans to leave friday morning and return Sunday morning / early afternoon. My eldest in on the spectrum and will struggle with the length of the journey. My youngest clashes with her Dad as he lacks empathy and they lock horns a lot.
I’m their main carer, they spend one day and night a week with him. I’ve said I think this trip is really only to oblige him but he says he wants to take the children to see his family, none of whom excluding grandparents who are fairly young at 65 odd come to see the children ever. I don’t think they’ll get anything from it but I know my judgement as their Mum is clouded at times. AIBU to say I don’t want them to go? Be gentle please

YABU.
Massive drip feed by the way as soon as the replies weren't going to your liking.

YABU.

You need to sort out a proper contact schedule though. This doesn’t necessarily mean rigid and inflexible but one that means if he wants to do something on his Contact weekend you have to come to some arrangement (which would of course mean the same for you).

However he has asked for his children longer to take them to see family. He is their father. You need to accommodate this.

@maisypops Do you know what, I just added more info, I don’t know what a drip feed is but I suspect you’re just being unkind and I don’t understand that sort of attitude on a place like this where people come for advice and support.

Agree with Maisy. That drip feed was singularly unhelpful in that it’s made you look disingenuous at best, and dishonest at worst.

Here we go . . .

I just wanted advice. I wasn’t sure how much info to give so as to not make the original post an essay.

Another poster who only wants people to agree

I don’t! I’ve taken the advice on board and am considering it all. Why are some people just fucking arseholes?!

And we're off.

It’s just unnecessary to be so horrible. Over and out.

Let them go and let him deal with any repercussions as a result. Sounds like a nightmare trip for him to make but since he’s adamant...

Sorry op, but I agree with the majority. Taking children to see family is perfectly normal. And, though I don't have an Aspergers child, four hours in a car isn't particularly far.
With regard to your second post, and I agree with you that that was just more information, his parenting doesn't sound particularly bad, just different to yours. There are lots of positives from a more hands off parenting approach.

I spent a huge amount of time as a child, sitting in my parents' car (minus the sweets), pretending to drive it. Made the noises and everything. Is that not allowed these days?
Look, I'm not dismissing the idea that this bloke may well be an arsehole, but I don't see why he shouldn't take his kids to see his family. And stag dos and weekends away so come up and it's reasonable to try and switch arrangements to accommodate those if possible. In and of itself, that's not so dreadful. But I presume that, within the context of all the other reasons he's a STBX, your view is clouded.

I’m a DSM. My OH’s controlling EW tried to dictate contact time - what he could and couldn’t do, who the children could see. She got wind that the kids were going through see their grandparents and stopped a contact weekend.

The dad took her back to court for breaching the contact order and she got a stern talking to. You can not control what dad does in his time (just like he can’t control what goes on on your time). The mother was told if the behaviour continued, residency would be changed and the kids would live with dad.

YABU. Do you ask him and get his permission when you take the kids to see your parents? I doubt it.

"AIBU?"
"Yes"
"No I'm not"
"YABVU"
"NO I'M NOT!"

🍿🙄

OP the AIBU area of mumsnet is not the gentlest of places to seek an opinion. If you want honest (harsh) advice this is the place to be. If you want hugs and handholds perhaps chat or relationships is a better place. A drip feed is when an OP reveals an important piece of information which might massively change people’s perception of a situation. It always seems suspicious when these are dropped in after people are disagreeing with your point of view.

It always seems suspicious when these are dropped in after people are disagreeing with your point of view.
And when the response to 'nice drip feed' is 'but what's a drip feed? I had no idea that the information I've just dropped might change people's advice'.
And claims of 'but I just wanted advice'
And it being a new username.
And calling people names for being skeptical.

I mean, i wouldn't want to say there's a trend...

@crisscrosscranky That’s not what I’ve said at all 🙄

@Northernspirit Thank you for a useful perspective. There’s no way my ex would want custody of the children, it annoys him that he has to have them every weekend but I have thought about the constructive posts on here and I’m probably going to have to step down and let it happen, even if it goes wrong.

@Wowlookatyou Yes he’s an arsehole at times but you’re right, my view is clouded. My issue I know.

@arethereanyleftatall Just to give perpective, for my son a queue with 3 people in it is challenging. He lacks something called social imagination, it means if he can’t see the end of something then it goes on forever. I am probably over protective of him in many ways because he struggles emotionally a lot and his Dad lacks the capacity / interest to understand anything about aspergers or just generally his children in general beyond being ‘fun dad’. But I appreciate what you’re saying, thank you.

@circleofwillis very helpful thank you, lesson learnt! 😊
@maisypops not a new user name. In my view calling someone bitter / dishonest and generally being unhelpful isn’t ‘giving your view’, it’s spoiling for an arguement. Backed up by the popcorn comment.

If you have been on MN a long time then it's fairly obvious that a post where an OP is clearly BU and then a drip feed mentioning sexual abuse allegations is going to make people be skeptical (especially when that information is dropped after the consensus is YABU).

Unfortunately, there's many many threads that do that and get deleted.

Massive drip feeds get a response.

I think you would be unreasonable to try to prevent this trip but I can see it is coming from a place of concern for your children’s well-being
He is their parent and he should be allowed to take his kids to see their family
I’m sure it feels really difficult tho so I hope you can work together to help make the journey easier for the kids
Best of luck and hope all goes well

I say this from a place of understanding OP but you need to let him get on with it. I have a child on the spectrum (ASD and ADHD) and another who is hormonal and sensitive and struggles to have a relationship with Dad. But although I am their main carer he’s still their dad (albeit fucking useless at times) and he, like your ex, needs to take responsibility at times and often learn from mistakes- assuming the long car drive is one.

YANBU to be protective of your children and their needs and feelings btw. I know it’s hard.

Give the OP a break, people. Not everyone is versed on MN etiquette.

It's fairly obvious OP is not a troll so the drip-feeding accusations are just driving off someone who is genuinely asking for other people's views.

Maybe the sexual abuse allegation was dismissed so long ago that OP doesn't feel able to raise it as a reason for objecting to the visit?

Not everything is black and white.

@sunnycoco thank you, I want them to have a good relationship with their grandparents but I’m just concerned. I’m hoping he will listen to the suggestion about DVD players for the journey at least.

@fuckmepinkandcallmecedric It’s good to hear from someone who is in a similar position. Do you have any advise for how to pick up the pieces when they return? I spend every Sunday fighting fires and being shouted at by miserable children (they are with him every Saturday day and night) and I’m so fed up of it. I spend all week getting then to school etc and Sunday should be a fun day for us but it really isn’t. Perhaps it’s just about them maturing.

@shumpalumpa thank you, the allegation was a long time ago, before my two were born and the child in question is now about 16 I think but it doesn’t stop me being concerned about it and my two being there without me to make sure they aren’t left with their grandad. I appreciate the post a lot.

@klw777 yes fingers crossed he takes the suggestion on board. You sound like a great parent and your kids will carry with them the love and security they feel from you.
It’s easier said than done but try not to worry too much, just do what you can re the journey and plan something nice for yourself that weekend to help you x