To feel guilty about amount of child maintenance my ex is being charged!

[Melkim40]

So my husband and I split up around 18months ago. Not to go into too much detail but he was a narcisisstic control freak, so when he left me I got over him very quickly! I recently applied for child maintenance as he pays nothing towards our sons care. He received a letter stating that they would be taking 3 times the amount they were giving me! Turns out they are taking arrears for his children from his first marriage. They are grown up now and don't even live with their mother anymore! I can't help but feel incredibly guilty as he doesn't earn a huge amount. Part of me wonders whether I am feeling guilty because that's how he made me feel when we were together but can't help feeling that I have put him in a financial predicament, which was never my intention.

Serves him right, if he had been reasonable and paid you properly in the first place, he wouldn’t be having to pay loads now. You’ve not done anything wrong OP.

you didn't do this.. he did.

though I find it werid they would do have you actually seen this letter?

Do you think he feels guilty for the financial predicament he put you in when he didn’t pay half the amount required to raise your son?

Sigh. So many people happy to be with men who don’t support their existing children but then expect those same men to support additional children when subsequent relationship breaks down. Why do you think his ex isn’t owed that money?

You should feel guilty. But not for the reasons you mention.

or are you in the states?

as it's extreamly hard to get back dated cm even when the child is under 18. and esp when the other mum hasn't put a claim in.

Good for them.

So he cheated his ex, tried to cheat you and finally it's caught up with him?

Nope, you've done nothing wrong, if he'd acted like feeding, housing and clothing his own dcs was his responsibility, he wouldn't be in this situation.

You should never feel guilty that other people have to face the consequences of their own actions.

He's done a real number on you if you are feeling guilty or in anyway responsible for this. Do some googling on detaching from an abusive relationship.

They are grown up now and don't even live with their mother anymore!

So you think he should just be allowed to get away with it then? What about all the extra money his mother has spent on them to make up for his missing contribution?

A couple of things

Firstly, his first wife must have put a claim in and must have been pursuing it for years for the agency to be able to do this.

Secondly, have you actually seen the letter, he could be making all this up.

Did he tell you this? It sounds like bullshit

Why do you feel guilty?!

He’s the one who tried to get out of supporting his first children. Then had another baby with you who surprise surprise he also tried to get out of supporting.

Serves him right! I wish more men had to pay arears like that when they’ve done everything they could to avoid supporting their children!

So is that just the amount they're taking from him and you get less than that as he's paying off arrears? Or is it all going to you? So you're getting the money that was supposed to be for his older children?

I don't think I'd believe him. Never heard of backdated arrears when children are over 18. Maybe he is just trying to make you feel guilty. The other payments have nothing to do with you.

I have six children and never took a penny from my ex as he doesn't earn much and has three other children to pay for.

For them to be taking back dated arrears for his other children, his ex must have approached csa so nothing to do with you.

Why would you feel guilty? He's an absolute scum bag. What would you think of a mother that didn't feed or clothe her children?

@SugarIsAmazing you must have an extremely well paid job to support 6 children by yourself. The childcare costs alone would be exorbitant.

Did you know about the arrears for his other dc when you were him? He must of received numerous letters from them?

They haven't just decided to look for other children on the off chance just because you put in a claim.

Well actually he owes that money . I for one are pleased . Why should the debt be written off because he didn’t bother to pay.

Give your head a wobble! You’re not over him as much as you think you are if this is how you feel. Speak to someone because feeling responsible for the consequences of his shitty behaviour is just wrong.

It's the least he deserves. As far as I'm concerned he should have been arrested and imprisoned.

Of course you shouldn't feel guilty! He's finally having to support his own child. This money is for DS and he deserves it more than his narcissistic dad!

Wow!! Wasn't expecting that response! Yes he did receive letters from child maintenance about the arrears when we were together and managed to get out of paying it, would move jobs or be out of work.
I have seen a photograph of the letter he sent my son, Yes he involved our 13yr old son!
The arrears are going to his ex wife. I am only receiving a third of what they are taking from him.
He was very good at making me and our son feel guilty about everything!
Thankyou everyone. I do feel alot better now!

He told your son??!

Jesus. He sounds like a peach.