To feel guilty about amount of child maintenance my ex is being charged!

[Melkim40]

So my husband and I split up around 18months ago. Not to go into too much detail but he was a narcisisstic control freak, so when he left me I got over him very quickly! I recently applied for child maintenance as he pays nothing towards our sons care. He received a letter stating that they would be taking 3 times the amount they were giving me! Turns out they are taking arrears for his children from his first marriage. They are grown up now and don't even live with their mother anymore! I can't help but feel incredibly guilty as he doesn't earn a huge amount. Part of me wonders whether I am feeling guilty because that's how he made me feel when we were together but can't help feeling that I have put him in a financial predicament, which was never my intention.

Well if he's paid you maintenance direct he wouldn't be coughing up for the arrears right now... complete Karma all around!

He sounds like a dick.

He had children, he is responsible for his children.

You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. It's a symptom of living with this twat too long.

I think it's fantastic. About bloody time he paid up. Don't feel guilty - he's a weasel and it's caught up with him, no-one's fault but his own weaselly self.

Why the fuck has he showed your son?

It's none of your son's business. All your son needs to know is both his parents pay for his up bringing. Make sure your son knows that if he needs anything when he sees his dad, his dad needs to pay. Also make your son aware that if he has children and doesn't pay maintenance for them at the time then he can be made to pay later like his dad.

serve him right. Why do so many men think children stop eating and needing shoes etc when they bugger off with someone else. Horrible man. Hurrah for CSA

And you had children with him knowing he was doing everything he could to support his existing children???

I’ve known of a case where the child had never been supported by the absent father who refused to pay. The mother pursued him from the start and the csa finally caught up with him. The arrears were at such an outstanding amount that he was forced to sell his home to pay them!
Yanbu and have nothing to feel guilty about. The guilt should be firmly at your exp door!

What was it your first liked about him????

You knew he had children he didn't pay for. Why do women knowingly get involved with such irresponsible men?

What an utter toss pot.

Very glad that the law has caught up with him and he is paying back the massive arrears he owes.

You have done nothing wrong (well maybe you could have left the bastard earlier, but don't be too hard on yourself for that) - no need for as much as a moment of guilt he brought this on himself.

Yep same thing here OP. I think it's conditioning that we know exactly how it will be affecting them and what we would get given the chance!

Don't feel guilty. He should have paid his ex when she needed the money to support the children. He's just paying what he owes and about time.

He was different when we first met. Things changed over the years!

Tell your DS you didn't know about his Dad still owing money for the care for his half-siblings, but you knew he was difficult about paying his share of their care, which is why you went via the CSA rather than arranging things directly.

Never say that he owes money to his ExP, or money for you, but frame it as his share of the bills for his children.

that should help your DS see it for what it is.

Tell your DS you didn't know about his Dad still owing money for the care for his half-siblings

Yes, lie to a child the op did know he wasn't paying and went along with that.

Children should be protected but I don't think they should not know one of their parents thinks it ok to have children and not support the, and that their other parent is compliant with it. He should have paid but the OP stayed with him knowing he was doing that. That's almost as bad.

He’s a total dick. He deserves this. I’m so glad his ex wife is getting back probably only a tiny proportion of what she has spent on THEIR children over the years. Retribution and finally. Well done to the CSA.

@SugarIsAmazing

So really, your ex had nine children and you don't think he should pay for them? And for your six, who picked that shortfall up then?

That's why there's so much anti benefit stuff: people who father nine kids and don't pay get talked about and the rest of us who try to raise our kids quietly (was a single parent, before tax credits, awful existence) get branded the same.

He should have paid towards his first children at the time, not wriggled out of it and thought he'd got away with it. Now it's come back to bite him on the bottom.

You have seen the letter he sent your DS - was this a copy of the CSA letter, or a letter the ex sent the DS which he wrote himself in which he told the DS about the CSA payments?

If the latter, it still might not be true.

But, anyway, it's his problem. Though he'll leave his job now so he doesn't have to pay any of you, as that's how he behaved in the past.

"He was different when we first met", no he obviously wasn't!

i dont know if its true, i have never had to use them - but i have forged letters (for humour only) like telling my DS his options were something different, 3 mins on photoshop, its not difficult

Did you not encourage him to support his children from a previous relationship? I know it's his job to do this, but surely, as his wife, you should have at least tried to make him pay his share of raising his children?

I was with a boyfriend who had two children and paid a fair amount every month. When his ex wife's new partner moved in, he said he was going to suggest to his ex that he paid a lower amount - I told him that they were his children and just because their household income would be increasing, that didn't mean he could pay less. Surely that's a normal thing to do?

I would encourage him to contact CSA, of course I did. The letters about arrears used to stress me out! He would leave jobs and used our son and my daughter as financial reasons not to pay. I was suffering with severe post natal depression and anxiety, so just getting through the day was tough, let alone, trying to convince my husband to pay maintenance.
I will not lie to or use my son to get back at my ex. I have explained to him that all absent parents have to pay for their kids and if he lived with his Dad, I would be paying him.
I gave him the option to pay me directly but he chose to stick his head in the sand and wait for it to go away!
He always portrayed himself as the victim and is still doing so, but I have realised that the children involved are entitled to this money and I no longer feel guilty. I am sure some more @#$! will hit the fan when the deductions actually start being made, but I am fully prepared for that. Thank you to everyone who has commented, you have all helped me get my head round this!

I also contacted CSA myself and they confirmed they were taking a large amount, although they would be willing to discuss and negotiate the arrears, if he gave them a call. The guy said that occasionally, they put the amount up to shock them into calling as they have not been able to make contact with him at all! I gave him the number. Up to him if he calls!

Bottom line is you got together and proceeded to have 2 children with a man who you knew wasnt paying for his original children.

No matter how ‘stressed’ you felt about it later it was a shit thing to do. You should feel guilty.